I don’t want to be a fool…
She kissed me in the snow, and later went back to remember our time in pictures before the footprints went away.
She wanted me to hold her as long as I could, just to be with her and feel the warmth of her arms.
She gave me the courage to challenge myself, to face my weaknesses and confront them.
She opened up to me about the wounds she’s suffered, crying in front of me even though she refuses to let anyone see her tears.
She’s given me the honor of being a treasured person in her life.
She asked me about moving far away to be with her, and if I could bring my commitments with me.
There are so many things that stand in the way of us. The longest of longshots.
But only a fool would give up on a longshot with a woman like her.
So… No. I gave her my heart – the price of the passionate kind of love that’s the only one worth having. And I will never take it back; it doesn’t belong to me anymore.
All I want is one chance. But I want that chance. More than anything I’ve wanted in a very long time.
I want the chance for her to see the world through my eyes.
What she deserves from a good man.
As much time in the Holy City as she can give me. Time spent in good faith.
If afterwards she finds me wanting, I will begin to build a new heart, and thank her for the inspiration she has given me to see it truly beat once more.
No more could I ask of her, because it just truly would not be meant to be.
No more could I do and still be the man I want to give her.
No more could I wound myself by dreaming dreams never meant to be.
If she will not give me that chance… then the passion she awakened must not die… but I can never again let her in. I will carry forth in spite of sadness and pain, but never again through darkness thanks to her gift that she would want me to keep.
All will be right with the universe… except for me.
May. My dreams rest with May. I can’t fight in these trenches much longer. My heart is freezing in Canada, despite how warm her hands are. She tells me she wants me to find someone else, but she knows I can’t. No one else…is her.
What I know is if we lived in the same city, we would be together. She has told me that without words so many times.
I need her to see mine. The azaleas in bloom. The calm of the Spring sea. The Palmetto trees rustling in the cool sea breeze. The clicks and clacks of trotting horses on streets four centuries old. A whole city just waiting to make her bask in warmth and happiness… at least until my commitments are met.
Each day I go to work, I work for May. For that chance. It becomes effortless. Gratifying. The joy arms me against the interminable wait.
I always thought my happiness would be determined by Love. But as I have learned, Love is so often determined by Timing. Risk. Courage. Trust.
One of these is outside my hands, and it is maddening. So if I must be the Gambler…I put my hopes and dreams on The Holy City in May, and in that, I leave it to her.
I don’t want to be a fool. What time I have left is too important. But only a fool wouldn’t roll those dice on a chance for a woman like her.
It’s Not a Frame of Mind 