Quiet.

Five years. I saw her soul for five years. It was beautiful. Passionate. Intelligent. Scarred, but resolute. And all in one fell swoop she did what she swore she’d never do… instantly. Zero explanation.

I could handle one, but not both. No “look…I’m sorry, but here’s why I can’t ___.” Nothing. I never once told her I deserved or was owed anything from her. Quite the opposite.

We spoke literally every day. I love her. I’ve always loved her. Friend. Family. More. Less. I don’t even fucking care anymore. And I would not have been in this mess nearly as bad if I hadn’t been trying to help her find You.

You put me here. Gave me insight I’d never known. Told me when she was in danger, even though she still sliced her hand and she’ll never finish that damn book. You’d never done that for anyone else. My whole life. Just her.

Did you set me up for failure? Her anger at me has got Your name all over it. Me being loyal to you is one of the reasons she’s so bitter.

I don’t know what the hell your plan is. But it has cost been an awful lot of pain. Sleep. More time mourning then for anyone I have ever mourned.

My heart was a lamb to the fucking slaughter – and you knew it.

I broke every rule for her I could, Because of everything that happened to her that shouldn’t. And fine I’ll break that rule too – Shouldn’t. Have. Happened. To. Her.

No, you didn’t appoint me to “save her”. Only she could do that. But I wanted to at least be someone to put brightness into her life. Show her life through my eyes. And I was up against things… not… of… this… world.

And as optimistic as I am I just flat out didn’t see any backup on Your end. And after what I saw when I was there? You want me to go up against…that??? I don’t want to know what your plan is. I hate it.

Now I’m supposed be going out to lunch with a really nice girl, and I can’t even be excited about it. Is this to build my faith or something? Some test, like I promised her you don’t give?

I don’t even care anymore. At least right now. I gave her my heart thanks to your plan, and the new one just ain’t ready yet. I’m going to be angry your damn plan for a long, long time.

But…No. There is no question. No shame. No regret. I trust You. And put me up against the same thing 10 times over if you want, but just please…

…make it worth it. She will always be sacred to me. No matter how furious or hurt. No matter how shocked and crestfallen.

Bring her true happiness. That’s all I’ve got left to ask for right now. Never let her feel she can’t talk to me. Ease my pain so I give her no reason to hang up on me for good.

I’m her officer. Her protector she said. I don’t know what that means, but she is one of my dearest friends. and now she won’t even let me try to protect her…like I was doing any good to begin with.

No, I’m not okay. I won’t be until I’ve found the wisdom I need.

For her…I need the wisdom to just be… Quiet. I am as confused as I am crestfallen. Not one sip of alcohol until I trust myself. Purge my anger. I hate again for the first time in 19 years. That’s the first thing that’s got to go. Only you and I know how dark it got; she’d be shocked. I don’t ever want to be that guy again. 

But above all, please help keep me fucking Quiet, for her sake.

No matter what Your plan is… I’m honored that You put her in my life. I don’t know why right now. But one day I will remember the five years of having that treasured woman in my life, and not the last five days of absolute pain.

I just want my friend back. I won’t apologize for anything, because I didn’t do anything wrong. But please…I just want my friend back. Never let her feel my door is closed, or give her any reason not to open it again.

Barring that, Lord…please put your arms around her every minute I can’t. Please never let her forget how much I want her to be happy. And please, Lord…take care of my favorite Jennifer.

Amen.