Rules.

You’re honestly trying to ponder the meaning of her words, because from your perspective they don’t make much sense. That’s why you’re so frustrated…you think it could actually be a misunderstanding. Or maybe you just hope…

You mentioned to her the dam bursting…but never really got to elaborate with her on what that meant…and that it was a good thing for both of you, and your friendship.

If she’d known the whole story…would it have happened like that? Who knows. That’s why you’d agreed to resolve issues by at least speaking with each other.

Examining things from her perspective is difficult, because as much as you get her, you really have no idea how she thinks. That’s one of the reasons why you’ve always been so intrigued by her. She’s given her share of mixed messages over the past few years, but they always seemed to hold true to the then. As in, she changed her mind a lot…which is normal for many women…and normal to be misunderstood by many men.

You realize that for her to get that upset with you for what you considered to be a normal walking-in-the-door, she’s likely been dealing with her perception of you in her mind already…possibly for hours. When you finally do speak, you’re further into the Danger Zone than you realize. Again, normal for people, and you do it probably more than she does.

You said earlier you have nothing to apologize for, and when it came to the last conversation – what really exploded – you feel aside from one moment of weakness, you don’t. But now? Looking back? You were the one who put her into that mindset box – making it easy for her to fixate frustrations on X, Y, and Z on you because she began to associate you with them. In your eyes, there was no warning. That might be because you prefer direct communication.

You honestly don’t think you did anything wrong, because…you honestly always had difficulty reading her. You had no idea she was to that point. And you still think there are other things in play, but…

Rules.

The Rules you always followed. What is appropriate. What isn’t. How to treat women who are in a relationship. How to respect the people they chose to be with. Being diplomatic. You got excited, and abandoned those rules. Well turns out you had them for a reason now, doesn’t it?

Honestly? You wanted to learn from her. See things through her eyes. Embrace your passions. Unlock that side of you that’s been sleeping so long, suffocated by Rules – because hey, it has… One can hope there might be a happy medium.

You just want your friend back. You don’t understand everything going on, but you know you could have simply avoided so much of it if you just acted more like yourself, and not the way you used to be.

Rules exist for a reason. And you just hope one day you get to live by them again with her in your life. Because truth of the matter is…you gave up on being with her… and the pressure was off – for you…but not her.

That doesn’t mean she didn’t still mean the world to you. Being excommunicated from someone’s life that you’ve shared deep, meaningful time with…that you consider as close as family…it hurts as bad a romantic breakup. It’s not your love or your friendship that’s being rejected…it’s rejecting you and everything you are.

Just a chance to communicate. Be honest. True. And if there needs to be rules, let there be rules. You did fine before you started breaking yours. You just want your friend back.

But not now. For right now, quite simply, you’re both sick of each other’s perceived issues. Not even a sign is a good idea. Things have got to be purged. Feelings. You can’t see her that way. It causes problems. And you were already on your way.

You are who you are because of the rules you’ve chosen to live your life by. You never wanted her to adopt them per se – her chaos is something you appreciate the most. But for your part? Be true to yourself, and the rules that made you who she wanted to be friends with in the first place.

And take your time; you aren’t ready yet.