Peace and Pain.

https://youtu.be/8wLwxmjrZj8

You’re sick to your stomach too. Knotted up tight. Can’t eat or even vomit. Just bad enough to force you to stay home and be miserable, but cause no problems to keep you from bright-and-earlying tomorrow.. 😒

You haven’t had a thing to drink since last night. You know what’s happening. Another convergence. Work, social, and spiritual turmoil all in rapid succession. Within 48 hours to be honest.

You are so tired. Warned the Crown of your issue, but left to her if she still wanted to come over. Canceling would send the wrong message considering she stopped by on the way out and knows you’re hurting, and you really wouldn’t mind seeing her.

It’s not official but it pretty much is. And it kills you that you’re so down. Seriously…your last actual “relationship relationship” ended in 2011.

So much energy earlier today. Drive. Desire to fight on a second front to balance the universe out so another could fight her battles alongside you without you interfering.

That is the way the universe works after all. Actions taken by one do have strands of connectivity with actions taken by others. Some may call it karma. You recognize it clearly as a hidden web of possibility And impossibility, balanced by positive and negative energies of various sorts. You don’t see it but you know it’s there, represented in your mind in some small way as something you could conceive of just in order to get your fingernails on the concept.

The last chapter of the book of James declares that the prayers of a righteous man carry more weight than that of the unrighteous. So every time you failed to be righteous, your prayers carried less weight.

Rudimentary trial and error had the anecdotal evidence smack you in the face with truth. Coincidences of timing would soon prove to be statistically impossible.

Praying for someone became two front battles. Leonidas holding his ground at Thermopylae as Themistocles protected the seas at Artemisium. Both must hold strong or both lose. There is an inherent weakness there, but also an inherent strength, to be wiser and more righteous in knowing how to pray for those you care about.

Laying on the couch with tingling throat and stomach feeling as if filled with mud. Space ambient music vid on the TV surround sound with LED accompaniment. Wasting one of the 522 Wednesday Evenings of your 40’s.

A Bible’s next to you but you haven’t opened it. It sits next to a cat patiently waiting for the arbitrary moment of the secret food sound.

There are just some things in life you cannot understand, and tonight, you’re grappling with several.

Rather puts things in perspective… how could we understand the vastness of the universe and the decisions that God makes if we can’t even understand how our friends think.

Writing helps. The pain lessons slightly. It is all connected. Time, Space, Prayer, Possibility, Light and Darkness. Energies of many forms, almost all of which we can’t see with human eyes or technology.

You don’t know why she hurt you. But you know her well enough to know what was influencing her. You could see its fingerprints on the texts.

The very same woman that saved you from porn and ironically the last porn you saw was of her… under the same influence. A picture made to stab you in the heart, and successful.

The Crown is very late. No word. Not getting nervous yet. Used to being stood up. Victim of timing.

Getting tired now. Music is good. Got this one from Crow. Of course it’s good.

You took 5 July off from work to have a four day weekend two weeks from now. No plans. Just knew you needed some time off. Work is insufferable and will be until the Teacher comes back to work actual projects with.

You just don’t understand.

Finally heard from the Crown. Seems lateness is normalcy. Many friends all confiding in her, needing shoulders to cry on, and that fits her bill.

Honestly you’re really not much different… other than the fact that you seem to have chosen friends that are more mature and have less drama. Well, you hope… while understanding that that is going to get annoying very quickly. She wasn’t immune to standing you up either.

You just don’t understand.

And you don’t want to anymore. You’re so sick of it all. It fills your stomach like mud but you can’t purge and vomit it out. You can’t get away.

So tired.