Chaos

I asked you for help. This is not what I was expecting.

You crushed my soul with the Crow, and added insult to injury over and over and over again. There’s no way in hell I’m actually going to be opening up to her anytime soon. Just wouldn’t do anyone any good.

You gave me someone to save in the form of my Crown, and you went and let her kill herself. Maybe because I didn’t fall in love with her, I didn’t go all-in trying to save her. Then again it seems that there has been a proven track record of me not being able to save jack shit for a very long time now.

I am really not taking her loss well. No one I’ve ever been with has died before. I still can’t believe she’s gone.

Now you present to me a chance for revenge on everything that caused me pain to begin with two decades ago.

The original piece of shit. The one that set the tone for everything that I have grown to despise as an erstwhile honorable gentleman.

The rat bastard I swore that I would forgive for me to enjoy that fairytale that I keep telling of how I graduated college.

And because I’m too lame to have a wife and kids on my own, double down on the one event that is the extent of my accomplishments in this world…

Yay.

So what would you have me do, Lord?

We both know I don’t hate him anymore. That was the price I had to pay for the gift I sought.

But then I learned – after so long – to truly hate again. An absolute piece of lying filth that the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever known simply refuses to discard even though he’s using her and slowly poisoning her life and she’s too fucking stupid to care… even when she knows better…

Is this why you’re punishing me? And now giving me the chance to take out monumental levels of frustrations on the jackass from 20 years ago that I had to forgive? I don’t need that temptation…

You and I both know exactly what’s going to come down the pipe with the Old Flame. Spoke with her on vid, heard her voice for the first time since that night I let go of her hand after holding it as long as I could on May 14 of 1999.

She’s miserable. Starving for intimacy. Had it not been for the mistake that I made with the Crow I would have a defense against her. Now I’m looking at not having much of a problem with certain thoughts and that concerns me. She isn’t happily married but she is still married with children.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. Probably something stupid. I just don’t care anymore. Honestly don’t have any desire to hurt anyone, but I still have plenty of frustrations to take out if I’m not careful.

I’m done. Just lead me through this period of life as fast as you can, and do what you can to help me make as few mistakes as I have to.

Too much is going on. I don’t even want to be in a relationship anymore. And I haven’t even fucking been in one.

No I’m not forgetting my infinite blessings. I’m just frustrated. This is the biggest hole in my life and it just never gets any damned better.