Fucking Whatever.

Never would have thought a November 18 would be a return to bitterness. 20 years to the day since nothing short of a miracle happened in your life, and for the first year since, you have anger in your heart. Nothing about Nov 18 changed. It’s still meaningful. What has changed? The aftermath.

For years, you thought she was an antagonist you’d defeated. She abandoned you. You did the right thing and she did the wrong thing. You overcame the depression the wound deepened in a spiritual experience that you can’t describe as anything other than a miracle. Such a satisfying narrative isn’t it?

Well now where are you? Yay, you got your piece of paper. But since you did the “right” thing, you aren’t a father. You never got married.

YOU of all people. You who’d dreamed of marrying little Kelly Jacobs all the way back in the 2nd grade, and who held a passion for romance and finding “her” ever since. You who… *knows* you were put on the planet to treat a woman you loved the way Dad treated Mom for 45 years. You wanted kids too, but they came with the dream – they weren’t the dream.

But what you would give to pile the wife and kids to go to a summer vacay in Washington DC like your dad and mom did when you were a kid. Or to Orlando to see JFK space center and Disneyworld. Or like every Thanksgiving still is. Along with every Christmas where are you do your best to act like a kid to at least give your parents reminders of memories of your childhood since they won’t ever see grandchildren.

And even that would be fine, but for the splinter in your soul. You’ve truly only been in love with two women in your life, but that damn splinter…. has driven you to hate. Hate the way the way that their “choices” treat them.

Whether it’s not wanting to spend the money for a spouse to be on their fucking health insurance, or a parasite lying about fucking having cancer to win an argument and get a free ride, you are absolutely sickened every fucking night you sit home alone while disrespectful pieces of shit get to disrespect the women you’ve loved every fucking day.

There’s no way in hell a guy can respect a woman that always takes him back no matter what he does. There’s no way in hell a guy can respect a woman that’s afraid if she gets a job he’ll just take all her money for his “bills”.

Guy. Not a man. A Man is what your dad is. If mom wants something he works his ass off and gives it to her on a silver platter.

Now how the hell is it selfish to want that??????

Along with a fine little fuck you that both of them say they dream of you being happy in the arms of the other one. Oh yeah, that makes it all better. 😒

And you stare bitterly at the past; how the hell could that ever be a thing? You don’t get to have kids; The other guy stole her just long enough to trap her and she won’t leave for at least another four years. Spent their 20th anniversary at a fucking Japanese steakhouse the night before because he didn’t want to ask off a weekday.

Then you stare bitterly at the present; how the hell could that ever be a thing? Takes a real fucking self-destructive person to throw a deadbeat out and get back together at least 10 damn times and thinking things are ever going to change. Answer is always the same, some “he’s just the one” mystical horseshit connection so she can avoid giving a tangible reason for being so fucking stupid over and over again like she was still in damn high school. And God help you if you upset her because she’ll just send you more pictures of them screwing or her shaving her cooch getting ready to fuck him literally just to hurt you.

Hell yeah you’re fucking bitter. You got torched good enough the first time to shut your heart down. Salvaged something amazing out of it And desperately clutch a hold of it as tightly as you can because it’s the closest thing to an actual accomplishment you have.

And…..nope! Not even a year in and she regretted everything. Too late. Locked in with kids. Oh well. Oh what might have been had you just fucked her brains out like you had been doing like she wanted before her preggo scare and you’d begged God for more time.

But no! You are a good little Christian and did the right thing… So now you get to fucking suffer…

And then over a decade later you find the woman that could literally bring completion to your life. Who was chaos where you were order. Who was Yin when you were Yang. Who was north when you were south. Who was left when you were right.

Who was your other half… in ways you were more certain of than you were of your own existence.

But naw. Just because reasons. Reasons that are absolute bullshit and you know it.

So what’s the point? What’s the point of being the man you want to be? For the woman you love… whoever the fuck she is? Keep Holding to your truth and you’ll die alone, idiot.

Take a deep breath. Now another. And another. Breathe. What’s a Man trying to be a good Christian to do?

FUCK ALL, THAT’S WHAT.

Spirits of Darkness. Of Fear. Of Hate. Of Loneliness. FUCK YOU and everyone you’ve ever heard of.

We live in a world so screwed up that you can be banned on Twitter for complaining about some freak dressing their kid in drag for a tranny dance off, and you want to hear what’s rebellious?!?!?

When loving your fellow human beings who are made in God’s image just isn’t enough? Go fuck yourself.

You wanna be rebellious??? Standing up for what’s right in a fucked up world is what’s rebellious. Standing up for what’s wholesome. What’s healthy. What’s responsible. Yeah *that’s* the act of defiance these days.

Bring it, motherfuckers. I ain’t that kind of Christian. Not anymore.

I don’t even care anymore. Haven’t checked match.com in over a month because I just don’t give a shit. The woman I love has decided I will die alone. Fine. Maybe God will deliver me from my enslavement. Maybe not.

All’s I know is as I look back on my life, I’m an entitled piece of shit if I have ANYTHING in my heart but Thanks. Why? Because FUCK YOU that’s why.

I desperately want my other half in my life. But I don’t deserve jack squat and thank God I’m wise enough to know it.

May she find happiness. If not from me, then someone far better. Who truly loves her. And who will at the very least fucking take her to Hilton Head for their damned 20 year anniversary.

And please purge me of my anger, Lord. It does not become me. I cannot help those I love so deeply if I hold it in my heart. And that’s all I have left. Which means it’s more important to me than anything on earth.

Now let me get some damn sleep. Well, if it be your will. Amen.

And if not… God bless YouTube and five hour energy tomorrow.

Way. It. Is.

This is the 20th anniversary of a true miracle in my life and all I can do is complain.

Please forgive me. And any blessings give to them instead. If I can’t have meaning, then get this shit over with.

In Your way. Not mine.

Blessings for all.

Good night.