Pretending

You have as much patience as you do Adderall in your brain. And it’s always going to be different when it’s someone else’s kid. It’ll be more fun; less serious, and less consequential.

Certainly not anywhere close to the headaches that you want.

But at the end of the day, you so want them.

You so want that stress. You want that pressure. You want that responsibility.

You freaking idiot. You have absolutely no idea the depth of understanding that you don’t even have on the subject.

But in that there is a certain level of comfort because no one has a clue when they first start down that road either.

There was absolutely nothing that had any meaning beyond just chillaxing and playing checkers with the little one.

But for a good hour or so, you got to pretend. Pretend you were a dad. The checkers/chess/8 other game box set. You had forgotten about it until you went through your room looking for stuff you could bring out to entertain her with, and you found… *that* play set. You managed to forget you still had it.

December 2013. You had finally found a church that didn’t piss you off, found a good Bible study group, and they were doing toys for tots for Christmas. Fresh into the new church you were gung ho about jumping in with both legs. Went to target looking for toys. Saw the Checkers box set, put it in the buggy, decided to keep looking. Picked up apples to apples as well. Some other thing you saw and the ages listed. One was for kids up to age 11. Eleven.

All of a sudden hit you that yours would’ve been 11. You always felt like you would have had a little girl. Such a promising trip to Target instantly ruined. You just took the two games to the register and left. Didn’t even deliver them. Nonsensical across the board.

What others think doesn’t make a dent in that pain. But thank God that pain you’ve suffered from for years and years has finally begun to heal.

That made pretending so much easier.

You really enjoyed it.

It gave you a headache…

… but it’s not one you minded, wanting to share a moment trying to add value to the life of a little one.

You had no idea how deep that wound was. And now, sometime soon… you never will! Lolz

Good nights sleep inbound….. 🙂🙂🙂