Really?

You really have to give them credit. It’s taking you a little bit but you see what the deal is. Areas where are you are strong? You never really thought you’d be attacked there. You’ve tried to shore up your weaknesses and you realized that no you’re not as strong as you thought you were in some places.

Oh, you’ve fought off chronic depression over and over again and the joy of your life shines through it every time.

And actually now that you see what they’re up to? Honestly you have to sarcastically give them credit for daring to try.

Spring of 1994. Kelly Jacobs; your first crush. You did something stupid because you were young and stupid and in love and she chewed you out in front of the cafeteria – rightfully so in retrospect but you don’t remember specifically what it was…

You were hurt, so you cut school to get away and drove to a secluded place just to agonize over it and do some self hating. Saw a piece of glass on the ground and picked it up and looked at your wrist.

“This is what I’m supposed to think about, right?” Even in that moment the absurdity of it was enough to put a dent in your self-loathing and give you a brief giggle.

You have a mental block against suicide; always have. not only have you never considered it, you don’t understand how anyone could consider it absent bizarre circumstances like beneficiaries or heroic last stands in history, etc.

It’s just flat out dumb to try to attack you there.

So…

…What’s with the mood lately?

* * *

You’ve said it yourself – you feel like you’re just kind of… here.

No purpose in life. You were supposed to be married with some kids like 15 years ago. And thoughts drift through your mind like… all you need to do is outlive mom and dad so they don’t have to bury you, and… why does there need to be anything else?

There is no point in experiencing anything amazing alone. None.

And if you have waited so long to find that woman… searched so long… only for her to say no… there goes that.

The idea of a relationship with anyone else is tantamount to keeping them company until one of you dies. That’s not living. Not passion. Not love.

So why bother worrying about lifespan? About what you eat? About sleep apnea? About all that stuff that might be slowly killing you?

The world is getting sicker by the day. You have no idea how decent parents even try to protect their kids from such a twisted culture that’s actively trying to ruin their innocence.

You watched the cold war end and the Soviet union collapse Only to now have almost an entire generation brainwashed into believing collectivism will somehow magically work “this time”, and traditional values be stomped on by a culture that demands conformity of thought.

You would be a fierce guardian for a few children in such a world.  insistent upon passing values of goodness and decency; of kindness and virtue – and still by the values of a loving God, instead of those of activists who demand suspension of reality for the sake of their feelings.

So no partner in life.

No children to raise to make the world a better place.

One of these days you’re not gonna be able to get Adderall, and based on what has happened to the Celt, There’s not much you can do besides barely tried to keep a simple job without it after 27 years.

What is there to look forward to?

At this point? Only Heaven. And even then you don’t want to feel presumptuous.

Just outlive the folks. Start working on getting your affairs in order so you make sure what you have goes to the church, and your best friends’ kids.

That’s not suicide. It’s just not trying so hard to stick around when you have no reason to and would rather go home. 

* * *



Seriously – can you believe that shit?  WOW, you’ve got to admire the guts  of the great jackass of Hell to take a shot at you where your armor is the strongest.

Of course it’s the damn same thing. And fuck that bastard; you see what he’s trying to pull… 🤣🤣🤣

It’s pussing out on trying to make the world a better place with whatever tools you have. You have no idea what is going to transpire during this  accelerating second half of your life. But whatever happens, your life belongs to you – a gift from God - and hell if you’re gonna let them win. 🤣

You’re the one that is actually happy when you’re depressed – truly a gift brought about by being so thankful for what you have, and desiring to make the world a better place somehow.

I mean you’re not going to just stop eating bacon and go vegan to live as long as you can just to piss them off, even though that actually is the first argument for veganism that appeals to you. 😊

Nah.

You have no idea how long this funk is going to last. All you know is that you’re not gonna puss out like that.

What you need to do is realize that even where are you are strong… elements of darkness that seek to harm you and those you care about will try to exploit you.

You’re not as strong there as you thought you were. But that’s all right. So long as you realize it and see through what’s been going on behind that darkness, you can tell it to have a glass of GFY.

So OK… what do you have to live for?

Hell if you know. 

But now you can always fall back on “just to piss them off.” 😊

Now get some stuff ready for a fun New Year’s party tomorrow night… 🥂😁🥳