Rest

Rest, good sir. Rest. After a lifetime upon the waves of trials and tribulations on earth, and a lifetime well lived.

I know nothing of you, your causes, your passions, or your loves. Only a single beautiful poem that spoke to my soul. Yet I can feel your weariness as surely as I can smell the salt in the air stirred up by your words.

It moves me. Me an author that never refers to myself in the first person in these thoughts because they are most often spoken to myself; but tonight is different.

As are the causes that are stirred by these beautiful words. Words that I may have cherished in a former life, but now do not describe me.

I have not yet lived a life worthy of rest. I have not yet accomplished anything I have set out to do with it. And the fanciful dreams of the younger dreamer I once was I discover each day more to be fantasy, as I grow in age and hopefully wisdom.

Nor one day do I wish to seek rest at the endless blue horizon of this world of mundanity and banality, floating an essay of spirituality and possibility. I want to go home.

But not before living a life worth being given the honor of rest. In causes far less grandiose then I had once imagined, what causes that were true nonetheless. But even the smallest cause that is true…is worthy.

Rest, good sir. You stand relieved.

***

Macanudos Up. Give honor where it is due. A simple and humble man you never knew, and yet who could have taught you much about humility and grace.  You’re pretty sure he had an easier time admitting to his flaws than you did. And yet that one tale of racism ending with him loving his first grandson instantly. Truly a story of amazing beauty.

Poetry is a wonderful expression of meaning. You’ve tried your hand at it along with two semesters and a brilliant professor, but find comfort in admitting that as with most artistic endeavors, your talents lie mostly in appreciation rather than creation.

You don’t know why you saved this poem while searching for ‘blog-worthy material’. It’s beautiful and romantic but it does not speak to your desires in anyway but one – a desire to have had a life well lived.

Which to you means… having had a purpose. Even if it means only making a single person that purpose.

You’ve known this was going to be a crossroads year for you since it’s inception. Turns out, yes! A crossroads year for you and 7 1/2 billion of God’s other children as well.

You pray all the time but it’s actually been a while since you had a discussion. Now’s a good time. You feel love in your new heart burning away negativity of stress. You’re dead tired and haven’t had meaningful sleep in about two days, but it’s time. 🙂

Lol maybe it’s the heavy eyes and giddy humor that are helping. 🤔

In a few hours you’ll rest for the evening and wake up with a busy Monday confronting you. That’ll be good for you. When you really stop and think about it you have lost so much of yourself recently, and deep down her felt it.

When was the last time you truly felt like yourself? The answer actually terrifies you. Lessons you learned you learned really hard, but as you look back at them the reason seems more and more… that while you did need to learn them… You may have damaged yourself in the process… and carried wounds for longer than you needed to.

Maybe…  oh wow… The addiction of seeing oneself as a Martyr for the cause of humility? Well there’s not much actually humble about that.

But if you have spent 15 years for the sake of wallowing in guilt to assuage it… that’s stupid. And yeah if you’re right that might be exactly what you have been doing for so long. Substituting one hidden ego trip for an advertised one.

And if that’s what you actually did that’s the best case scenario. 🤣

Dammit you love the past so much. Especially your own. You love acting like you’re wise. Believing it. And soon needing to believe it to maintain a world you may have constructed.

You need to be able to criticize yourself and that’s one thing you haven’t had a problem with. But could that itself feed your ego?

Vices and vulnerabilities don’t vanish; we duel them all our lives. And at this crossroads, you stand at the beginning of something you wish to be beautiful. And you stand in fear, needing it to be so because you have already wasted so much time.

Stop dwelling on the past. The lessons you have learned you had to learn. And each and every day you are in the midst of at least one more and don’t even realize it.

So take heart. A new beginning is approaching. Prefaced by some difficult times. Let the weary sailor rest. As you have rested for long enough.

Tomorrow morning is the youngest you’ll ever be. Let’s do it right. Let Him guide you, not your ego using guilt as a vehicle. 

So what path will you take tonight? Not Proverbs. Too practical. Psalms? Too poetic. Ezra. You won’t understand much. But you will grasp something, and that something will lead you to thought and the thought well let you to prayer.

Macanudo. Ezra. Holy Spirit. But hold the fire pit; just a bit too warm out. So…tiny fire. Citronella. 🙂



It’s a good night. Fill yourself with vibrance beneath a starry sky. And then close your eyes and Will the warmth to another spirit whom you love and cherish. You don’t know what that means. But you feel… she somehow will.