Ezra

LOL everything about this has been a disappointment… but… disappointment layered within disappointment in such a way where it loops like a Mobius. You really don’t know the Bible; never read it as an adult, and no, it’s not just like a novel. A collection of 66 books by numerous different authors spread over, what, a thousand years… Every book is a different story. And…several years back, you thought “Why not find an uplifting one?” Well, yanno, there’s plenty, but for some messed up reason you always identified with the Old Testament more than the New Testament. Maybe it’s the D&D geek in you, or the contrarian when everyone else seems to fixate on the main thing – stuff like the big four gospels and the two Corinthians books where they always seem to draw on. Maybe it’s a Baptist thing. Who knows…

So, fire up the old Internets to find the old “give me a quick summary of what each book is about” one day when you’re in the waiting room at Doctor’s Care back in 2016 or so and ironically you’re drawn more to obscure books in the Old Testament. Began with Habakkuk because you were amused by the idea of a prophet – a true holy man – throwing up his arms in frustration and metaphorically yelling out “What the fuck, God?!? Why are you letting this happen?” Seemed like a great book to draw upon to have an answer to those questions when either posed to you or when you pose them to Him. You even brought it to Bible Study and led for a few weeks. The Bible Project YouTube channel made it easy. Cliff Notes. Truth be told, you wanted to be able to bounce it off the folks there just so you could actually comprehend it. Being unable to even read…well, don’t beat yourself up; you were an idiot, and you’re trying to properly sleep your way out of idiocy.

You saw Ezra also, and the description was:

“The story of the return of the Jews from the Babylonish captivity, and of the rebuilding of the temple.”

Well that actually sounds like a pick-me-up. Something to inspire you; something where things finally went right. Not the gloom-and-doom with a promised silver lining like Habakkuk, or, well…half the other books it seems like…

And…the whole book is actually about grandiose expectations and crushing disappointment. I mean you can’t make this stuff up. 

So much disappointment in the last few years in your life. Everything seems to be as if it’s coming together; like you’re finally getting to where you want to be in life. With your career. With love. With your health. Actually feel like being an honest-to-God forty-something adult that resembles where you thought you’d be. Where Mom and Dad were in the late 80’s. I mean you can’t even comprehend either one of them being as behind as you feel right now… And one by one, all of those inevitabilities were crushed. Some were your fault; some weren’t. But as you often say “There is a difference between ‘fault’ and ‘responsibility’. There is. But, at the end of the day, it’s not one that matters.” 

Yeah, you do think a little too highly of yourself sometimes, but you have confirmation from a few folks that that actually was a pretty wise thing to come up with, lolz…

Ezra. Microcosm. Grandiose moments heralded by an edict from Cyrus of Persia to allow the grand rebuilding of the Temple, after the dark days Habakkuk was warned about in his “Biblical ‘Dafuq?’ Moment.” Yeah, write that term down too, lolz… (apparently you can’t put emojis on posts you do on the computer. Weird…)

I mean according to the Cliff Notes YouTube video… the Book of Ezra even ENDS in disappointment, and the story has to be carried over in the next one. Talk about a Letdown. And… yeah… that’s just how He leads you. That’s the way He rolls. Little signs here and there. He knows where you are. How tired your soul is. How hurt. How frustrated. Everywhere you look yields frustration and you don’t have a clue what to do. Forty-three going on twelve; thanks Mom and Dad for the mortgage payment…and the groceries…and the insurance…and God Willing the the upcoming Mayo Clinic trip.

Meh. Comfort yourself in that you hate being here with every fiber of your being. You will never get used to it, and if you ever do, to hell with you. You’re here to be successful. To be the one that helps others. To be wealthy enough to be able to fund causes you care about and come to the aid of people who need you. And always remember just how much faith THEY have in YOU. Because if you were a loser? Didn’t appreciate them? Didn’t have the need to Pay It Forward? They’d make sure you didn’t starve, but that’d be about it. But they believe in you. So…believe in yourself.

So…find a way to balance that. Something you really suck at. Figure out how to use this feeling as a Riding Crop – just hard enough on yourself that it pushes you to overcome it… but not so hard that you hurt yourself with guilt. It’s messed up; you used to be good at this. Well, at least once, and you’re pretty sure that “most amazing moment in your life” was pretty much just Him throwing you a mulligan. 

Folks are coming over to have Sunday lunch. And the dreaded “how I’m doing with all the crap I need to do” report. Ugh. Asked them to bring down photo albums of 1995’s trips to Europe. They asked you to put together the bills you’ve gotten. Sigh. 

Use it, Atreyu. No matter how much of a failure you feel like in so many aspects of your life… find that balance that you need to get past it. Fight off Ennui. Fight off Anger. Fight off Frustration. Fight off Depression. Fight off Guilt. Fight off Boredom. Fight off Procrastination. Fight off Disappointment. 

Fight off everything between you and where He wants to lead you…

Find balance…

Find vibrance…

Find yourself…

(Insert Smile Emoji because PC interface is weird…)