Lone.

No one you know has a clue what it’s like. Well, you do still actually have one other friend in your life that’s in the same boat, but he’s likely not missing what you’re missing.

Another night alone. You feel in your soul it wasn’t meant to be this way, yet here you are. Certain songs you listen to remind you of just how much time is passed. Certain nights you listen to them make it even worse. 

Aside from your earlier friend, no one that knows you knows what this feels like. It feels like loss. Emptiness. A purpose unfulfilled. Like half of you is missing. A song brings you back to the early 2000s when you were probably the happiest you’ve ever been so far… but wow it sure didn’t feel like it because you didn’t realize what you were missing out on. Literally everyone from those days found someone… but you.

There have been bouts of relationships here and there, but… no. Nothing meaningful. And then fear from to that major decision that would define your life got added onto that and soon enough the musical chairs were all full. Literally. You feel cursed in this regard. Blessed in so many regards… you really are. But this is where it seems to even out.

Every single parking space is taken,  handicapped, or too far away. It’s just not possible. Two years on eharmony for nothing. Absolutely no success with Match other than Crown… if you call that success. You’re cursed.

Either God really has a specific plan for you that you’re not to interfere with or you are fucking cursed. No one knows what this is like. And you are not meant to live life this way.

Flame is not much help. There is no doubt in your mind she is head over heels for you, but the only reason she’s even in the conversation is because she was originally the one… and she left. And now that you have finally had a chance to talk with her about why…. and the answers…? Good Lord….

You are protective of her, you care a great deal for her… and she’s a lot of fun to be around. Goodness though… Why the hell did she ever leave to begin with? 

It’s not like she hasn’t eaten herself up over it. She’s far more miserable with her decision. Broke down in tears the first time you saw her in person on the way back from Ren Fest. She didn’t know how to reconcile her mistakes with the fact that those mistakes brought her three children into this world that the truly loves even more, as well she better.

There’s no future there. You have no role in her life other than to encourage her. She already has decided she’s leaving her marriage when the last of her kids leave. Five years. But it’s just weird. Not the way it ought to be. Strange. Spoke to her about it and she says she understands, but you’re not buying that for a second. If/when you do get into another relationship she’s not going to take it well… but that can’t be your problem.

Crow is Crow. You meant what you said when she asked. Wasn’t the full story but the full story got interrupted by a cracked screen. Probably for the best because that wasn’t the time for it. Your certainty is high, but it’s not as high as it once was… because you just literally cannot understand. If she was the one… you just really cannot understand. In your heart of hearts you have no doubt. But in your mind you just cannot understand. Sure, you understand the logistics… but absolutely nothing else.

And you can’t pretend it doesn’t really bother you deep down. Really grate at you deep in the core of your very being. There’s a dark part of you that’s become beyond resentful at her choices. If she was the one… you just don’t understand how *she* couldn’t see her future with you and want to leap into your arms; or at least get past the cancer in her life that keeps manipulating her.

You could be fine about if you knew she didn’t have feelings for you. But that left hand. That one Sunday night out. If it’s not there it’s not there; no harm no foul. If it is there…. sigh…

There’s more to it than just that and you are – finally, only in the last few months – cognizant of it. She’s always been different, and the normal rules don’t apply to her. Ever since you first saw her picture and admired her passion on G+ you felt something pulling you to reach out to her. And you have no idea where that’s going. But it is strong enough to hold your negativity in check because at the end of the day you care about her more than being with her. At least you damn well better this time.

You’ve only really vented at her one time and that led to a blowup. But that was the part of you talking that was getting in the way… Not the part of that God wants you to be in her life… whatever that is.

You literally could not imagine breaking rules for anyone you’ve ever even wanted to be with. You couldn’t believe the folks were willing to help you see each other more often. Never been that way before. But for her…it’s almost like they were unconsciously into breaking the rules for her too. They feel it. You don’t even usually talk about her often to them but they *know*…

The situation was literally everything you have ever been waiting *forever* for and everything fits perfectly and…….. Damn, you really get the disappointment of Ezra. Doesn’t matter though. Not the way she needs you now, and she gets to break the rules; at least for now.

You really hope someone else will come along, but the odds of that are very slim. There’s just… really… not a lot of women like her.

Besides, you have a whole bunch of problems to fix. You literally have no right letting your new heart run loose until you are a man again. Job. Health. Confidence. No matter who you might be with, they don’t deserve anything less.

As soon as you get there though, you’re not planning on waiting. You just can’t. LOL it’s not like it’s gonna matter though. Cursed.

Match is no help. Sure you’re getting likes but they are from women mostly over 50 that don’t have the passion you’re looking for. 

Whatever. You’re lonely tonight, Thinking about songs you listened to 20 years ago when so many of your friends were finding the loves of their lives. Oh, you got plenty of dates. But they sure as anything weren’t the kind of dates you were looking for. Lol good old AOL instant messenger. Some really crazy dates. Those were the days.

Days you took for granted. Now here you are with a hole in your soul that grows wider every day. And now your health and career get to atrophy too. Fun.

You need to do something. Honestly it doesn’t matter if you start losing money; just to get something to right the ship. This is not good enough for you. It sure as hell not good enough for her, whoever she is.

Time. The only thing we can’t get more of in this life. And there’s too much being wasted on laziness and bad decisions.

Time…

Time…….

Whoever she ends up being… both of you are. Wasting. Your. Time.

So sick of nights like this.