Bee

There’s nothing to worry about. Cute redhead woman you met on Twitter. You had one or two Hangout dates few years back; they went okay… but she’d lived north of Seattle, so… undateable. Originally from Minnesota and then Orange County, Then Seattle. The opposite side of the continent. Of course it was as. Single. Cute. Christian. Loved cats. Star Trek. She was great. 6-7 years older than you with a daughter starting college, but that meant she had no time for losers… former air traffic controller lol. If she was anywhere nearby she might be perfect. But she’s not. She’s in Vegas now. Why? Weather. She says the humidity of Charleston would “fro” her hair. Whatever. Carnal side always loved crazy 80’s hair, lolz. 😊

You tried assuring her that Charleston indeed had redheads, but it was a lost cause from the beginning, lol…

But…. come on, Atreyu… nothing conventional seems to do it for you, does it? 🤔😕😔

You can’t do normal. Conventional. Good woman. Lives nearby. Meet. Smile. Laugh. Rinse, lather, repeat, and Ring.

Can’t do it. You’ve tried.

Parking spaces. Taken. Handicapped. Or too far away.

Melissa. Greek for “Bee”. Lol whatevs; you don’t make the rules. Been a while since your last vid date. Apparently she’s having trouble finding dates in… Las freaking Vegas. Well…. a suburb. But still. Sorry, not sorry.

Grandad “Adventures in Bigamy” himself – well, the more ethical of the two – finally settled down in Vegas after decades of choosing to abandon… Mom. Sweetest, kindest, most humble woman that Tennessee ever produced.

Yeah that’s the kind of “gentleman” that ended up in Vegas. Died from a gunshot in an alley. Sad… but figures.

And with that….. the requisite attention given to any potential baggage is henceforth complete.

Bee (you guess…) Now she wants to vid again. Tough for her to run into new friends. Definitely understand that. Friends. Yay. Not at all like that erotic dream you had where she showed up.  That one dream. One dream… compared to…more with others. It’s not like you remember that many of them anyway. But the one with her was oddly…graphic… but Bizarrely in a wholesome, loving way. You realize that she was a stand-in in the dream for your eventual wife. Older…maybe even a little insecure in her age… oddly enough because Bee’s not.

You don’t have time for 25-year-old girls that follow Cardi B religiously on Instagram and don’t have a clue who Connery is…

Not that you’re going to do well because it wasn’t that long but that dream was… interesting. A wedding night. Before you gave up the abstinence you held to for so long. As you have always known you would be pretty fucking carnivorous, but it was almost like she was anxious at how you would take her… and when you saw her it dawned on you that she was yours… in a way that you have never imagined someone belonging to you as you would belong to them… And her in all of… what the rest of the world may even call “averageness”…. was so fucking DIVINE, making you sink to your knees to devour her the second you got a chance. Was it Bee? Or was she just a Stand-in? Only dream you’ve ever had about her but it’s also the only dream you’ve ever had about a wedding night.

You…. don’t put much stock into it.  The very idea of her even flying out to visit and stay in a hotel is far-fetched. Whatever. All you know is that in your dream, she tasted like what you imagine cocaine to taste like, and you couldn’t even finish before you desperately wanted your next fix.

By that point… was it even Bee?

You honestly don’t know. All you know is she was a good woman, and that’s the kind of woman you need to end up with.

You have had plenty of opportunities to reward hot skanks with your stupidity and you have chosen not to comply. For all you know that might have actually been part of God’s plan that led you to 17 years of abstinence.

Given how fucking shallow you were back in those days…. whatever… chances are it’s very likely. 😔

Don’t feel bad. You weren’t a bad person then and you’re not one now. But in the past you were more carnivorous; while now you seek to find The One to devour every night.

Bro… you have got to get in shape. You know what the deal is. For fuck sake, every aspect of your life is geared towards being there for others. Don’t fight it. Embrace it. Love it. And whoever she is, make damn sure she loves it too. You feel more alive. Three months. Better than most of the men in America… So. Keep. It. Going.

Keep filth out of your fucking brain. Work out and eat right to be a fucking machine. Whoever she ends up being… you literally have no right to let her go a day without thanking her lucky stars that she found you.

And if it’s not good enough, FIX IT. She will give you time. Guidance. Love. 

Give her everything. Body. Mind. Soul. Literally anything and everything that you are but does not belong to God… is hers… as she does the same. Your feminine body. Your lustrous womanly hair. Your devastatingly powerful womanly body. Belonging to you as everything you are belongs to her.

That terrifies you… but thank God the only reason it does is because you know you’re not ready yet. And whoever she is; she isn’t either.

Both you and her have work to do. You can’t inspire her… But you can find something to build on in your current atrophy…

Whatever… you don’t even care anymore. You need more Bees.

Hopes… for your other half… as beautiful as they are… serve no purpose.

Fix it. Be honest about your struggles with those who care; all the way up until they hurt both of them and you.

Do not give yourself to hate. Instead give warm regards to a world where those you would hate don’t exist.

You need to be a good enough person not to hate at all. And one day… with God’s help… you will be.

It’s just a video chat. The shots you down earlier tonight still mix with the Adderall in your system even now that it’s 8:15 in the fucking morning on a Tuesday morning. Sympathy pains for Crow you guess, but thank God you realize you needed to avoid her the last few days.

Given her anger…. and yours? The new heart can handle her rage so long as it doesn’t cross that line. All you know is that your frustration deepened… when she opened fire. To be honest you handled it just fine last time; new heart is tough as fuck. But you could feel regret from her even though she didn’t remember what she stabbed you with.

No reason to give her more tension. Only a jackass turns an argument around on someone else rather than taking responsibility for what they do – or fail to do – in life.

God… please… give her strength. Wisdom. Wherewithal. Guidance. As with every day. Please hold her in your arms, Lord…every second I can’t hold her in mine. And if one day I’m blessed enough to hold her again, hold both of us to you and heal us of the pains of our pasts.

Convo with Bee will be great. Grounding. Won’t lead anywhere. It’ll be fun though.

Though Lord – don’t you even for one moment in your divinity forget…

….thanks for the cat. 😊