Taking a Shot

You don’t understand. You just don’t understand. It’s okay you guess, you don’t have to. First instinct is to go grab a couple of shots yourself and vent, but He already knows how you feel. Second thought mixes with a developing headache and the fact you didn’t get any sleep last night and suggests otherwise…

You are used to the thorns on the rose when it comes to her, you just really wish you could separate your feelings so you don’t get hit by plunging fire out of nowhere. No longer crushing but still hurts like a son of a bitch.

The good news is you’re not here because you’re some lame “nice guy pining for girl with loser”. You did have a question about that, but answered it. That’s just lame; and you have some self-respect at least. Last thing any decent woman wants is a pushover. As much as you don’t like getting into arguments with her, you think she understands that.

Doesn’t mean those feelings went away… but you know the certainty in your heart despite what you don’t understand… but on a night like this that doesn’t matter.

Do what you’ve always done… get what you’ve always got. 

Understanding the reality of the situation means you can forgive yourself for being cut by the thorns. But it can’t be about that. Just collateral damage now… still hurts though; No shame in admitting it.

Maybe you’re literally wrong about everything about her and she’s just winding things down to destruction. That would devastate you in ways you couldn’t even imagine. You really don’t know what purpose you would have or have any faith in yourself to matter regarding it. Light that shines brightly within you, and failed when it mattered.

Do what you’ve always done… get what you’ve always got.

She wants God to reach out with “extra effort” to her. Creator of the heavens and the earth. Alpha and Omega. Endured horrific torture Physically, emotionally, and spiritually tormented before dying for our sins.

But she deserves “extra”. So here you are, feeling like her happiness and Home are your greatest desire in life, Only to have that definite chopped liver feeling…🤔

Either you’re sincere and it is your mission in life to see her happy and make her way Home – even if not with you – or you really are just a lame idiot who still just put his love for her ahead of God’s will.

It’s not like your cognitive processes have ever been where they needed to be since you’ve known her. Whatever; you’re fixing that. Soon you’ll be back in that rare form that’s eluded you the past few years and back to fighting off arrogance…

Maybe then you’ll be wiser and have what it takes to challenge her to find more in life. Take a shot on better. Even if your heartfelt wish for her is that “extra”… Even if she asked for 80/20… She has eventually got to do her part and take that shot. Whatever it ends up looking like. Wherever it ends up being.

Do what you’ve always done, get what you’ve always got.

So be thankful. Wear the mask and heal. Be more than you are.  But never forget… as with literally all of God’s children, she is in charge of her choices.

And one day, you just hope she chooses… Happiness. And Home.

Whatevs. Mask. Sleep. Pray. Grow. Whatever role you are playing, you need to be better at it.

And Lord… thanks for the cat. 🙂