Rebirth

There’s phases in life it seems. When either your world was open, closed, or shifted for some reason. Moments when everything was anew; a new world began as an old one ended, and as time progressed usually that ending was long in coming it seems.

Often times these phases or eras go outside with other moments, sometimes overlapping or underlapping slightly, but still in the grand scheme could probably be defined as the same.

You bought your house in 2011, and Bill showed up in 2012. Looking back at things you can remember that year, but still bill is synonymous with the house. Each part of this era of your life.

That overlapped with the Xerox period of…well… professional laziness from 2009-2018 and TOP from 2018-2020. The job angle is just one aspect of growth that a new phase or era will bring. You’re not really sure if that comforts you or not.

1995 was probably the biggest of these changes, leaving an insulated a Christian home in Lexington to pile in the dorms at CofC. Only child finally gets a roommate. And instantly two. You handled that part actually pretty well. A lot of hangups, but you got past them.  that was the one year at the Lodge, then two years as an RA in a campus house. They feel like two such a distinct different time periods. Amazing how much just your surroundings can determine that.

Eventually you got your own apartment downtown and began that period of what would end up being decadence (by your standards). Two more years of college, but you got a computer with infamous AOL and that truly opened up the world for you. Just the idea of instantly striking up a conversation with someone on the other side of the continent. Text and pic only (via email or something?  can’t remember) but still you met interesting people and kind of forgot most of them from those days.

That was what, 98? Sounds about right. Gateway computer. The above Phoenix image was the background you put on it. LOL customized the sounds for each action. Two years at that studio apartment on King Street and three more in the one bedroom across the hall. After college it was working for mom and dad’s galleries during the week. Good old FFP on the weekends. 

Different periods seem to run together… similar apartments and friends and life. Though there was definitely that game changing moment when you graduated, really you were still that “person” / “in that life” from ’98 till what, 2003?

Then there was a lot of chaos that didn’t really end until you got the gig at Xerox six years later. Chances are in a few years you were lump TOP in with that period of time since it’s still the same house. Same cats. But wow things have changed since 2011.

Well… really? Events have happened. But really how different are you than you were when you moved in here? You still really needed to re-discover that confidence that served you well until it turned into arrogance in the mid ’00’s like you do now.

2019 was abject chaos. Amazing highs and amazing lows. Never has a year like it. 2020 so far has been the exact opposite. Entire months have passed with literally nothing happening in your life, waiting endlessly for things to happen that you said in motion as other people seemed to dawdle.

2020 has definitely been a bitch so far, But you have to remind yourself that the world doesn’t exactly see too much of a distinction because of how many times the earth has revolved around the sun and 2021 isn’t magically guaranteed to be any better or worse.

And yet you feel the vibrations of some thing within you. Almost like an engine starting to hum. You’ve already gone through a lot of changes in your social life; 2019 saw to that. A new era is on the horizon and you feel it. Rebirth.

It can be annoying. Often you wait until you are backed into a corner to face change coming down the pipe. You usually do fine when you have to though. Now it’s interesting because you’re trying to just take a shot in some random direction by taking classes again. Finding some job to just tide you over until you get a certificate and use the time in between to let God guide you back into where you want to be in a career.

“Getting a job”. That hasn’t been your mindset in 20 years. You’ve focused on having a career. And to be honest you still are… But part of that is going to have to involve just finding something to do to bring money in. Scares you. Feels like a step back. And frankly it is. But you trust that it’s just a step back that will involve two more steps forward soon enough.

Rebirth. You’re never going to have the confidence you did when you were 18 or 23, the two times you keep looking at in your life when you really had your head on straight and the sky was the limit. But the reason is because you are wiser now. The confidence that you are building you hope will equal those days, but it will have to be different. 

 No… it’s not a step back. It’s a step forward on your journey through life. And you’ve already been through many situations where you gained so much by getting so torched, lolz…

Damn, you just wish you could have that confidence again. That idealist, young stupid confidence of a 23 year old kid  that had just conquered his world. Only if you years later you would realize how small that world was compared to the one you were going into. Naïve bliss.

But that… was the beauty of it. You didn’t know what awaited you. But you were ready to encounter it. Just like Picard told Q before his arrogance was smashed by the Borg. Not long after, life was miserable by your standards.

Rebirth. You’ve gotten to the point you can feel it coming. Let’s face it… just the idea of going back to school… lol… a tiny part of you is going to be a kid again. 😂

You don’t know where it’s going to lead, and maybe the sky is going to be the limit again. Only this time you will know what to expect coming down the pipe afterwards – and be able to adapt to it instead of getting hit by a freight train when you are confronted with the reality of a ho hum job.

Adapt – or adaptation will be forced upon you. You’re not the only one that has the problem of waiting until you’re forced to act… but you’re getting better at it. Wiser. Maybe it’s just the beard. But for whatever reason you realize… Rebirth is coming. And soon.

You have a lot of fear of it. But that fear is slightly outweighed by your hope for it. There is no shame in taking a step back to take two steps forward. What’s important? What matters?

God is seeking to preparing you for the next phase of your life. There is a reason why. Even in this dark year… you know tomorrow is going to be better. 🙂

No wonder you are letting many of your hopes run wild. 😂