Doldrums

Sad tonight. Don’t know why. Waiting yet again. Having to ration adderall doesn’t help. Feel sick. Like smoked too much, which means you napped maskless again. F. Now is the time vivos could really help, but you can’t ask the folks for any more money when I need to just not zonk on the fing couch. Not running AC at night. Half your stuff is probably ruined. You have so much shit you’re gonna have to do. Sitting here waiting on whether or not you’re going to get into tech in time. So much unknown.

Ceiling fan is on high. Mixed with the sound of bathroom fans, air purifiers and a dehumidifier. Lonely. A dream you’re trying to forget apparently still on your mind. At least the details are gone. 

Considering the humidity level of the house it’s not like much else is to be expected. Feel so lethargic. You could stay at the folks place but you really don’t want to. Have a lot to do here. Sofa king tired.

All the music is old. All the movies are old. All the games are old. Even the future is old. Don’t hit these moods very often. Guess you need to every once in a while to remind you just how good you usually have it. 

And just now she just called. You wanted to beg her to talk longer. She was sad too, but any chance to try to cheer her up sidelines most of your own problems.  She’s upset because she just found out a friend died. Some parallels. Enough to make you dig into yourself. Well, someone needs to. God’s doing a thing with birds right now. Working in her life. Reaching to her in his way; the way best for her, not you – which is why you don’t understand… but trust.

You’re worried about so many things. Know this feeling well. Tick. Tock.  The marching of time. You are literally terrified about taking courses. Wondering if you can even learn.  it’s amazing how much confidence you have when it comes to the distant future and how little confidence you have in the immediate future. It’s not like there’s a tremendous amount of difference anymore between the two.

 And every day there will be less. You’ve never really seen yourself living too long of a lifespan, and since you don’t have kids and you probably won’t, that’s fine. As far as less time spent with whoever she is… whatever.

CS Lewis didn’t get married until he was 56. And the woman he married died of cancer four years later. If only he could have met her sooner.

You are so tired. 

The good news is tomorrow you will be fine. These moods don’t really last too long, even if they reflect “behind the scenes” weights on your heart you know you’re fighting right now.

Just get rid of the dream. Or have another one. One where you matter to someone. Those are so much more fun.

Mold experts arrive in the morning at 10am.

Yay.

Whatevs.

Don’t worry, it’ll get better. 🙂