Baggage

We all have some, especially once you pass 30. Things that make ordinarily rational and kind people go off on weird tangents… that really made no sense until you consider the greater context of things in peoples lives.

Well you certainly haven’t felt cold, callous, or petty on a while. Give yourself a little credit though. At least you realized it the second it happened. You felt that cold, Unfamiliar feeling… and yet could recognize it instantly.

You… but not. A part of you wounded long ago. It healed, maybe it was just a flicker of something else...

Flame’s oldest daughter got robbed. She was freaking out. First instinct was prayer as always, for Him to be with someone in need.

And holy crap if the first thing that popped into your head wasn’t baggage. 😔

She left you. Five years off and on is a lot when you’re 22. After getting out of college you were planning on proposing, but some jackass who lived an hour and a half closer weaseled his way into her life and she left. She got knocked up and was married before the end of the year.

And now the kid’s a sweet 20 year old in the army reserve working to be a baker’s assistant. Good for her. Flame is proud of her; For good reason even on top of that level where any parent would be proud of a good kid.

And when it comes time to reflexively pray, you find that part of you that’s one rat bastard. All of a sudden it was hard to pray because it was her kid with jackass. Was it supposed to be your kid with her? Probably not. But old wounds bubbled up to the surface. You remembered how much it hurt. The deep pain you suffered that was nothing really in retrospect…. it was just the first time, and oh did it hurt…

Now, so many years later none of that matters. You’re a different person, you’ve grown a lot; older, wiser, and more mature. You giggle when you think of how childish you were, but you were still a kid. That’s normal.

You just weren’t expecting that cold hand to reach out and try to rob you of empathy. It was crazy. For a second you literally didn’t give a shit. It has nothing to do with you. She has beyond nothing to do with any issues that happened back then; nothing could possibly be her fault, and yet here you were… Having difficulty praying for her when she was robbed thanks to momentary bitterness from 20 years earlier.

Fascinating.

You really don’t like her talking about her kids for many reasons, but it was easy for you to handle when you thought she was happy all these years. Now you find out she was miserable six months in and it’s only gotten worse since. And there has never been one ounce of interest on your end to even jab at her for leaving. Good Lord she has suffered far longer from horrible treatment than you did even when overly dramatic 22year old you cried yourself to sleep missing her.

Chances are it wouldn’t of worked out had y’all stayed together back then (because it didn’t), But it doesn’t change the facts on the ground.

You’re a jackass. Well, that corner of you is. It would be so much different if you did have kids of your own. You had been itching to take Celt and her daughter to see the lights for months. You got to cosplay as a parent, lol. 

Wife. Kids. Picket Fence. Being a Griswold. All denied. Maybe that cold that got in the way of praying wasn’t a residual bit of leftover pain from being an immature kid… maybe it’s the fact that Christmas is tomorrow. Thank God you still have two folks to go and visit, but damn if you just so want to bring your fiancé to visit. Or your little kids. Just once. Or hell, your fiancé and her kids from a former marriage – if it was any one but Flame’s.

See that cold, petty jackass?  See him? What, you think you’re too good to not be victim to callousness? Pettiness? Screw you for not being my daughter?

Deep down… given your baggage… you actually do have an excuse to have it. Seems to be the story of your life that the things you want the most so many others have and don’t appreciate.

It’s sick. Twisted. You’d treat your wife beautifully. You’ve waited too long to treat her any other way. You feel like you’d be an amazing dad; you had wonderful examples. Teaching and learning at the same time. Instilling discipline while fostering creativity. And instead you watch dysfunction in women’s lives all around you.

And if you had a wife and kids… these doldrums would be over – by necessity. That’s rocket fuel to a good man who needs a cause. You’d have different problems, sure, but those kinds of problems you struggle with much less than the ones you have now. 

Envy. You hate it. Don’t usually get bit by it. But no… it’s not different because you want something good, to benefit others, etc. Thank God it overplayed its hand and you saw it… now you know you’re battling it.

We all have that part of us that’s petty and bitter.  My goodness it is so much easier when it just comes across as wrong as it did so you see it for what it is… and then wonder how often it tricks you when you don’t see it.

Whatever. You prayed for warmth. Forgiveness. While giggling, lolz… hey if you can’t laugh at yourself when you do stupid things? And when the soul was clean, prayer for Flame’s girl were as natural as if she actually was yours.

All of this is so minuscule. So trivial. There are so many people out there with so many bigger problems. But admitting where are you are weak is the first step in understanding where are you are strong.

You’re not really sure about in the future if you’ll ever even meet her kids in person. That bitter guy inside has no interest in meeting them, even though they mean the world to Flame.

Goodness knows if they disrespected their mother the way she claims they do on occasion… in front of you? Yeah you’d open your mouth and Granny would come out…😡

You don’t even mean to think about them. It’s your wife and kids you want to think about – but there’s no one there. You certainly don’t regret not having kids with the wrong woman; seen it. It’s ugly.

The right one though… wherever she is, chances are kids aren’t a possibility anymore. Whatever, that’s fine. It’s not like you deserve one.

Acknowledge the wound. Recognize that it’s deeper than you realize. Can deeply bother you in conversations if you’re hit the wrong way. First step is to admit the problem. You don’t know where it goes from here…

But at least that one rat bastard can’t hide anymore. 😊

Don’t really care right this second either. Your 43rd Christmas as ‘the kid’ begins tomorrow. And both of your parents are still alive, so you’re a jackass if you complain about it.

One of these days you’ll at least be able to hold your other half in your arms. She will be all the family you really need. Might not be as you envisioned it when you were a kid, but… things just weren’t meant to be that way. Thank goodness you didn’t make a mistake with someone not right for you though.

It could always be worse. Now go find ways to make it better. And next time just enjoy the fact the little girls were thrilled to see the lights; Don’t let it beat you up so much.🙂