The definition of insanity

More than anything you want to profess your love for her. Not a try to sooth your feelings or fears. Because because it’s literally who you are and what you are meant to do. How you are meant to feel. Only twice before have you been “in love”. And neither in the last 20 years. Each the flights of fancy of youth.

But you know this is different. Not just more mature but… more aspects of love that age brings. There is a great desire for passion, but it doesn’t seem like it at first. Because there’s so much more to the love than just pass them like there used to be when you were younger and more filled with hormones and foolishness. There’s so much more to love now. Where passion is merely one part of True Fulfillment.

A more holistic aspect. You can actually see the world around you and know that there is so much more to the company of a fellow human being that you wish to join with and share her adventure through life. Oh, there is a desire for passion… words cannot even describe… But passion without meaning is nothing but the folly of youth. 

You literally want to delve into her darkness and help her fight her demons with your bare hands. You want to hold her and heal the wounds she never ought to have suffered. It makes you curse what happened to her even more… The pain that she has suffered and that has wounded her so deeply. But then again she wouldn’t be her – the one you love now otherwise. Yet again… Tapestry.

So there’s no way to know. But love… somehow means more. It means that you care for her well-being more than your own. And you never ever wonder why you are with her. On the contrary, you wonder what on earth she is doing with you because she is your better half, even if she can’t even comprehend it. She feels lucky she found you. You feel lucky you found her.

So storybook...

No wonder. You’ve delved into the creative aspect of storytelling for 24 years. Love it. Literary tropes.  understanding how heroism in the West differs from one millennia to the next.

Arthur versus Achilles. Nelson versus Themistocles. Who are you amongst such legends? No one. Literally no one.

You literally just want the basics. A woman to love. Cause to fight for. Kids would be nice, but you forfeited that long ago. 

What would you give for her? Obviously the answer isn’t “anything” because you’re not young and stupid anymore. You are older and a little bit less stupid.

If “she” doesn’t know what she wants, she isn’t ready to want you. Hysterical that you learned this lesson in college and even before graduation had it hardwired to dismiss such women. It was never your job to rescue anyone from Stockholm.

You’ve moved past many. It’s a simple and good rule. You just weren’t prepared for a woman that broke the rules.

Whatever. You have chased her for five years, going on six. You know she’s the one. But she settles. And you won’t. If you lived in the same city, the issue would have been decided in your favor long ago.

Will you still pine for her in 5 1/2 more years? By her claim, her time is more limited than yours. The arrogant part of you screams at you to ask “why are you wasting our time???” and honestly you do need to listen to him more often… just not here.

There’s even that dark part of you desperate to find meaning where you can’t find any… that wonders if it’s all an act; some sick game. To what end you don’t know other than to hurt you somehow. But it’s nonsensical and borne only from pain. Even more, it’s insulting to her. So stifle your paranoia. She loves you.

You console yourself with the fact that right here and right now, nothing could happen without her committing  over a month to see you, and her job would not permit that. Won’t be that way forever. Things will normalize soon. You will be back in the swing of things and able to date again soon too.

And you will try your best, as you did before. Yay. 🙄

But your problem is…very clear to you.  In relationships, there are people who reach and people who settle. Sometimes both reach and sometimes both settle, but usually it’s one of the other. At least according to a show you enjoyed once. 🤔

Call it pride, call it arrogance, call it anything you want. You have absolutely no interest in settling. What would it even be like – dating to settle? 

Crown? The only reason you don’t seethe at her lies is because she’s not around to seethe at. She killed herself with alcohol. Crow hates the reference so you don’t use it… but you can’t help but wonder if the former was His preparation for holding true through the latter’s trials. You don’t know. Can’t even care. Situations honestly are so radically different, even though the obstacle is the same.

Whatever. Maybe you’re just wrong. You Can’t even comprehend it but maybe you are. Maybe despite trying to purge arrogance in your heart you left too much… but that doesn’t make any sense.

Nothing makes sense. You’re either right or you’re wrong. But what you need to get through your thick skull is that it doesn’t matter. 

She matters. And no matter what you think… you have got to start putting things in the right boxes, because if you are wrong… you’ll never know and die alone. 

It’s either that, settle, or wait – pretending you don’t “know” what you “know”. And assuming you’re not wrong, it never would’ve even entered your thought process prior to when you bet everything on her and went out on that limb only for it to collapse and crush what was left of your old heart.

Whatever. Put your trust in God. He knows what’s best for her. May His Will be done; not yours. You’ve already given her one heart. Your new one is better armored, but how eager you are to give it to her as well…

That’s got to change. And to soothe your certainty, maybe only for the time being… but it has got to change. 

You will never Settle. Ever. But if you’re wrong… it wouldn’t necessarily be settling, would it? Whatever.

You’re tired. So tired. You can’t keep doing this. When she hurts you and she’s not even trying… your heart is in too deep. It is either not meant to be, or not meant to be for now...

So get your head out of your ass and realize it.

His Will. Not yours. His. And quit being so damn melodramatic. If she’s right, it’s beneath you; if not… still a good idea.

Stop babbling. Sleep.