Refuge

More Psalms. The tough ones. Book III. Regret. Forgiveness. Love.

Please forgive my trespasses, Lord. I fall short, but must never cease trying. I felt horrible about it even before it was over. I just wanted Flame to leave. The last day I didn’t want anymore of it, and just wanted your grace to forgive my guilt.

Forgive me so that guilt may leave me; it obstructs me on a night I need a clear voice. 

Please let beloved Crow find You, Lord. Please help her find tomorrow. Her angry taunts plagued me all day. I pray for her to choose tomorrow, and have terrible fears that she will leave. But there is nothing I can say, and her anger won’t subside.

Please hold her in your arms every moment I can’t hold her in mine. I don’t care if she hates me forever, just give her more time to find you. And please let my mind be at peace.

I’m not responsible for any of the corners closing in on her; the cancers in her life and her decisions led her there long before we grew close... but sometimes it sure doesn’t feel that way.

If given the opportunity I wanted to be part of her finding that which has alluded her for so long.

She knows how much I want for her, how much I want to be with her, and what I would give to make her happy…

…and for over five years, I have been crushed as she has chosen the cancers over what I wanted to give her. Or at least what I wanted her to find.

But I am nothing when it comes to what I want for her in finding You, and my love and pain has blinded me far too often. Now it has been joined by my frustration. And here we are.

Take whatever you need. Save her. Please. I don’t even care how. Give her something. Anything. To guide her to you.

That has never been me. I am no guide. Merely a fellow broken traveler that leads himself astray too often. Only you can guide her – and only if she is willing to give You a chance.

Please let her anger be with me, not you. I didn’t wrong her, but that isn’t good enough. Just be with her. Hold her. Guide her. And please do the same for me.

Even in what seems like it might be the darkest hour… I have faith in this woman. To be courageous. Wise. Strong. Happy.

Her brightest days are yet to come, filled with love and laughter; caring and understanding. 

Even tonight. Even now.

I read the words from Psalms 91 as if she could hear them.

Because I have faith in her.

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I will say concerning the Lord, who is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust:

He himself will rescue you from the bird trap, from the destructive plague.

He will cover you with his feathers; you will take refuge under his wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield.

You will not fear the terror of the night, the arrow that flies by day, the plague that stalks in darkness, or the pestilence that ravages at noon.

Though a thousand fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, the pestilence will not reach you.

You will only see it with your eyes and witness the punishment of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord – my refuge, The Most High – your dwelling place, no harm will come to you; no plague will come near your tent.

For he will give his angels orders concerning you, to protect you in all your ways.

They will support you with their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the young lion and the serpent.

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Please. Hold her in your arms tonight, Lord. Bless her as you have blessed me. She is sacred to me.

She has always been.

In Jesus’ name, amen.