This already sucks.

I miss you. This month is going to be rough. I still want to be there for you. And you can get a hold of me if you need me. But it’s still so…you know.

It’s harder for me. You have been the focus of almost all my romantic desires for six years. That’s the other reason I need time, but you already know that. I know you have a special place for me in your heart and that brings me great joy, but… insert obvious cliché…

Still…not mad…just… whatever I am at you. Frustrated. Disappointed. Sullen. Not who I am at all as a person and especially not as a friend. I wish I could communicate my perspective. I didn’t know what else to do.

Then again the perspective is a little different than I’ve put out there, mainly just the stuff you already know that I want to keep unspoken. And then there’s the arrogant side of me that I don’t like and want to keep you away from.

Trying to figure out how to use him to be honest. Like Kirk in the original series episode the enemy within. That has been a balancing game for 20 years, and as I look back on those 20 years I feel I’ve almost always gotten it wrong given where I am in life.

I need to harness part of that bastard and put him to work. But the two of you would not get along. That’s the only child / never has to worry / takes things for granted part of me you tend to rail at when you’ve had too much…

It sucks because I kind a need some of that back, lolz 😂

Suffice to say when I think about you, what I really wanted for us, etc… I feel depressed. Rejected. For a while heartbroken. That part of me was offended. And honestly as deep as those feelings went… I actually meant it when I said I could be fine if you were with someone else. Someone that treated you well. Gave you the happiness I wanted you to have.

But the fact that you chose him over and over and over… yeah, offended is the right word to use. The more he emotionally abuses you, the more you insist on staying with him. You will eventually see that in time, though.

Maybe that’s another reason it’s good we’re quiet. You don’t have to worry about me pestering you if you actually did really throw him out. You could find someone else.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to say a lot of things I actually have been holding back. Things you would not have read without getting mad and reacting to. Pressures I never wanted to put on you.

I don’t know. Maybe this is just an opportunity to get away from each other and I don’t need to think about you any minute I don’t have to. But dammit I miss you. There’s no point in farming, or Herriot, or anything that reminds me of you.

You don’t know how good it made me feel when I could look at you on video and tell you that I loved you. It felt warm. My whole body. One of the last times just saying it seeing your face started making me hard. But it is what it is. And I can’t love you that way anymore.

You know what’s really weird? In a lot of ways… it would’ve been better had I never met you. I wouldn’t have spent six years chasing rejection. Being so emotionally invested in someone else. Spending so many nights unable to sleep from worrying about you.

But even if it would’ve been better for me, there’s no part of me that isn’t glad I met you.

This month is going to suck.

Miss you. Be well, sweetie. 🌷