It hurts

You know. Watching someone you care about suffer. Watching the person that causes much of the suffering be treated like a hero while you suffer in silence. Having to do research to find ways to talk to that person without making it worse. You’re not supposed to criticize the person causing the pain. Huge problem. You’re not sure if you can even do that.

So silence. Just don’t make it worse. How many hospital visits? How many broken bones? Only one concussion that you know of. Maybe you’re a terrible friend because that’s all you can think of. And you’re not able to get past the physical and psychological toll being put on the person you care about.

Maybe that puts you in the same league as a dog. Blindingly loyal, but single minded even to a fault. That doesn’t make you a good friend though. The real world has a nuance to it.

She’s told you so many times what you already know. She needs to leave him, regrets moving there, hates being there, and wants to go home. And then within two days it’s always the same. Kind to the cruel and cruel to the kind. Been that way for what, six years?

She knows she’s being manipulated and lied to and gaslit. That happened before the violence. Ended up causing it.

So what do you do? There’s not a damn thing you can say because she will attribute anything to your feelings. So even if you’re right she won’t care. Especially if you’re right she won’t care. Putting everything on that makes it easy to gaslight herself.

Just stay quiet and avoid the drama. You’re 44. Seriously. What the hell are you doing. This is high school bullshit to you. Likely to her too which is why she doesn’t see it for what it is. It can’t be your problem, even if it is slowly killing her right in front of you.

It can’t be your problem. Maybe you’re just part of her problem. She keeps saying you’re not a Plan B, which doesn’t do wonders for your confidence. You want someone that wants you for their Plan A.

Maybe you put pressure on her without realizing it. Who knows.

The status quo isn’t healthy for either of you. In whatever form love takes, this is not supposed to be what it is about.

Pray. Ask His guidance. You don’t feel Him pulling you in this direction anymore. You don’t know what to think. It’s up to her to make the changes she needs to make to live a normal life. And there’s nothing you can do about it but hurt.

You’ve made a lot of mistakes but you don’t deserve that forever. Maybe she’s wiser five years from now. Maybe you are. Maybe. Who knows.

Who knows. You keep having dreams about her but they aren’t positive anymore.

You want to be a part of her life, but not hurt. You want to talk to her and not make things worse. If you can’t figure these things out, you know what that means.

Why can’t things just be easy? Why can’t you just move on? Is it ego at this point? Maybe. Who knows.

Who knows.