Good times

Some of the things you might say. Not that you can and still hold true to what you claim to be priority. It still is… but it’s really important to remember to remind yourself of that. And so the things you want to say that can’t be said. It’s not like she doesn’t know them.

But you’ll finally see her soon, God willing. And you’re going to try your best to just be… what she wants you to be. Good for you.

She knows your love is true. And yet she says she doesn’t want to cause you problems. Like somehow you’re too innocent or naïve or however she wants to frame it.

You don’t take any offense to it because you know she doesn’t mean to offer any. But to you it does miss the point.

She thinks she’s messed up and doesn’t want to mess you up. You feel like you’ve saved up light your whole life. Joy. What’s left of your innocence some might call naïveté. Laughter. Gregariousness. Desire to build. Encourage. In this world all of these things may be simply good vibes.

In the spiritual world these are weapons. Weapons you have learned to to wield your whole life. Knowing your heart would lead you to someone whom you would be chomping at the bit to fight alongside, just for them to be worried about scuffing your paint.

There’s more to it of course; you’re not stupid. But that also means… there’s more to it. 🤔 We are in our 40s. The most meaningful things aren’t said; they are felt.

Six years has been a long enough time. With all you have been through, all the times she chased you off only for you to still hang on with your fingernails. She either thinks you have love truer than the ocean or you’re just that pathetic.

No. It’s more.

Can it be less? For a few days? For her? Of course. You love doing things for her. Deliberately came up with three overly basic things you wouldn’t to for anyone just to ground yourself.

Either it really is sweet or pathetic and you really *still* don’t know… 😂

What’s also funny is that you’re not really nervous. At all. It’s a level of comfort. Just like when she said you at one point touched the small of her back and you didn’t even realize it because it just seemed so natural to you.

How can someone in your shoes not be nervous? Scared to make a mistake? Maybe because you already made one of the biggest mistakes ever the last time you were with her and she still cares about you. Maybe it’s just because it’s easy to feel comfortable around your perceived other half. Eh. Who knows. Maybe you’re lying to yourself about not being nervous; that is something you would do… 🤔

She knows that if you could with certainty, you’d promise her she would never have to work again. Just as you know that that would be insulting to her. Oh, she’d love the idea, but Matriarchs have a dim view of feeling “bought off”, and she is nothing less.

By now she’s read between the lines at why this new job excites you so much. Create your own job. Sell it if it becomes successful and move on. What would she like to do? What would you like to do? You’re trying to learn how to make that possible. Firstly for yourself, don’t exaggerate. But if you can learn enough… Who knows. Maybe the possibilities merely begin with a flower shop. The real possibility is… possibility itself. You aren’t close yet though. So much you have to learn. To prove to yourself, much less anyone else.

God has pulled you towards her at times. Away from her at others. You’re not really sure what you feel now. But damn if every last thing doesn’t just fit perfectly in your mind. Your strengths and weaknesses just match hers across-the-board. The vibrant joy you want to bring into her life. The vibrant wind you want her to bring to fill your sails and push you to be so much more and out of the doldrums of a stagnant world.

And you’ve already established in your own mind limits on your hopes and when you will allow yourself to have them.

She wants you to be as you are. So be as you are. You can do that for her. This is her trip. She honors you with an invitation.

So just keep being nonchalant. Downplay how much this means. Don’t let her see just how excited you are. And you’re not hiding anything; she already knows.

So don’t be that guy. Just go have a fun weekend with a cherished friend. There’s no reason to be nervous. What are you gonna do? Of course you’re going to take your shirt off at the pool if people go swimming. And yeah you’re gonna suck in your gut. What’s the point of hiding? She will look magnificent even though she won’t realize it. It’s just… there. The Truth.

What could you tell her that she hasn’t already realized about you? And still… she has not chosen you. Probably never will. But you mean so much to her. An outsider might say she was just using you for attention. But you know her soul. You’ve never even been mad enough at her even at the absolute worst to even take that seriously. It’s just crazy. 😂

The first time you saw her, there was pressure because it was that first time. The second time, they was so much pressure in your heart to try to win her that you let it end up consuming you, despite having the some of the most wonderful times you have ever known.

This time everything as a known commodity. The pressure is actually off. There’s really not much at stake. Each of you can be yourselves. So maybe now is a good time to end the overthinking, before you manage to talk yourself into finding a way to be nervous. 😂

Y’all will have a good time. Don’t make it more than it is. It’s already so much to her. Which already makes it so much to you.

You’ll have a good time. 🙂