Drafts not sent

Amusing.

A week ago tonight, you had the argument that saw her leaving a second time.

Three years ago tomorrow was your first WordPress post.

Not that it matters. Just interesting. You usually have a blow up and don’t speak to each other around April each year. Chances are April 2022 won’t be any different now.

Either stop now or read to the end.

Three years of them. Lots of things left in those drafts.

Lots left unsaid. Most for the better. Some maybe she’d have been better off feeling your anger. Sometimes people need to realize how things hit.

Maybe she would have realized you weren’t nearly as much of a pushover had you shown her that side of you earlier on.

Either way, you know what it’s like to say something you want to take back.

She complains about men so much at the drop of a hat while treating you like you were a tenth as bad as all the other scumbags she’s been with. The Art Teacher. The Gun Store guy. The guy she married and moved to Canada for after meeting twice that liked taunting her. The Cancer boy that won’t stop lying that she will never cut loose.

Given her terrible decisions regarding men, it’s not surprising she let you go so soon. Loving? Honest? Emotionally stable? Good relationship with your family and wanting one with hers? Educated, responsible, with a desire to have a career? Wanting to build a life with her and try to make her happy?

You’re not perfect. Not even close. But one quick perusal through the idiot gallery of her choices and you are definitely the one that doesn’t fit. You are better than every last one of them and it’s not even close.

What’s to take back? The truth? The truth is that what she couldn’t handle was you actually truly good for her. Just a few more months and it’s back to the lying punching bag of an ex boyfriend, the job she hates, and near-suicide trips to the hospital for the cage she wants back in so bad.

You’re not stupid. She’s not cut out to be single. Could never handle it. Loves sex too much and she’s not some slut that doesn’t need an emotional connection.

Maybe you’ll publish this, maybe not. Looking back at all those drafts at your pouring forth your love for this woman and anger when she’d ram her head into a wall repeatedly and blame anyone but herself? Who knows…

Don’t complain about men when you choose to spend your life with scumbags and ditch the one you finally found that was actually good for you. Etc.

Sunday she felt the same way. The ADD post and all the anger you could tell was behind it. Like she had the right to shove you back in a friend zone as if the last 4 months hadn’t happened.

Or found yet another excuse to blow way out of proportion to act like you weren’t someone she could ever be with. Oh no! ADD! Or pills! Too close to your folks! Or games you didn’t play nearly as much as she claimed like you couldn’t hunt down time played stats! Quick! Run to a gaslighting abuser and give him a million chances! Honey, just say whatever you need to say to sabotage yourself and get it over with.

The gaslighting she pinned on you was even more insulting. Given how much you treasure truth and honesty how she’d interrupt and confuse you and play gotcha at something she claimed you said that didn’t even make any sense if you had.

You could tell, because she never wanted clarification. The point was to argue, not communicate.

Best of all? Stabbed you with your most painful memory over and over. Your own child. What shook your faith to its core and devastated you for well over a decade… throwing it in your face again and again until it didn’t even faze you and then had the gall to hold “humiliating her” over you…

…For chastising you for letting your mom and dad do so much for you… and then calling her mom to yell at you when she wanted you to buy the plane ticket. Why not buy her own daughter’s ticket; you were beyond nice to her and never had to be. For her to treat you that way? Disgusting.

The childishness of it all made you laugh. Then the hypocrisy made you cackle. Oh the ‘humiliation’. Your daughter’s name would’ve been Virginia Grace. And now you’re numb to it. Numb. To THAT.

Numb enough to laugh when she screamed at you for letting your folks do everything for you… before running to her own mom when she didn’t get her way.

Yeah you’re angry. You can’t not be and have a shred of self respect.

You were done. Phone. Text. Messenger. Facebook. That old Twitter account. Email address. Even WordPress. You blocked it all. Severed every way she could interact with you. You’d leave her quiet since she always had to have the last word like true drama queen…

And then… not ten minutes later. The sermon. He was not smiling down upon you. 1 Corinthians 13, you hypocritical idiot. Love. And what you say it means to you…

Re-enabled WordPress and text.

She’d deleted the post. Hasty words. She didn’t mean them.

It was turn to regret your anger.

God’s Plan. For years you’ve prayed for her. He pushes you towards her… pulls you away… there always seems to be a purpose.

You don’t just love her because He wants you to. You love her because you love her.

But it’s more than that.

Maybe you don’t need to spare her from your anger. You are slow to anger when it comes to her. Just…her.

Maybe she needed to know that side of you too. You say you’re big into honesty after all; why not be honest when she needed to hear how you felt?

Whatever. Too late for a lot now.

But Sunday… God didn’t want you to shut the door. You want her to know how serious you took that. And how it stopped your anger in its tracks. That can’t happen unless she knows that anger.

How even if it’s justified, there’s a point where you’re a sanctimonious prick if you hold onto it. There’s a lesson there you need to learn. She could get a lot out of it too.

And it’s still there… but you want it gone.

Maybe this truth will piss her off and make her want to sever you. Hope not. Her choice. As it always has been and will be.

To let this sit in Drafts, or to Publish?

What’s left? Love? Always, but it’s clear that she doesn’t feel the same.

Anger? No, you hate being angry at her. That’s why there are so many half-finished Drafts.

Truth? The truth. You gave her your word. And you claim you are a good man. Loyal. Loving. Most of all… Honest.

Another cold April.

Publish.