Golden Hour

You keep reading this.

https://cowboyprinzessin.wordpress.com/2022/03/17/golden-hour/

It still hurts. You love each other. Both of you have anger and are still trying to move forward.

And she was right. As long as you are both alive, anything is possible.

You saved the post. Every word. Screenshot by screenshot. Just in case she takes it down one day.

She’s also right that you’re not right for each other now. If you both grow, that might one day change. But growth is key.

You still want to beg her to come back. But you don’t beg. Even if it would work.

Just as you were in the snow in Michigan, she was with you all across your present here and now. Home. Work. The neighborhood. Downtown. Bee City.

You know what it feels like to be down for the count and make returning to the place you built as your own the focus of your energy. Seeing it as a goal to strive for. To accomplish. When you were in exile you had to return to Charleston humbly. Rooming with a friend of a friend. Selling possessions for rent. Working as often as you could to afford rent and a storage room. It taught you so much.

It was an arduous process in a terrible economy before landing that first job. You hope she learns as positive a set of lessons as you did.

You still want to be with her. One day. Somehow. Still love her smile. Making her laugh. Coming home to her while she watched Bill & Ted await your 5:30 return.

You still want to (as much as you can) give her a world without stress. Build her a flower shop if she wants one. No worries about mortgages, coworkers, anything. You want to give her what Dad gave Mom.

It’s not likely. Chances are when she crosses that border, she’s never coming back. And though one day you’d be free to cross it to be with her, it’s clear (least for now) that she loves that place more than she loves you, while the reverse is not true. That’s… a problem. Love doesn’t work if it’s that unequally felt.

You can lament the fact you didn’t get to show her X, Y, or Z. You can try to remind her she never had the chance to let underlying stress of all those bills leave her life. That she never got the chance to experience with you what you knew she would had she been able to drop 80% of her stress level.

Realistically that couldn’t have happened, in retrospect, and the whole thing was doomed from the start. That means… it’s not your fault. Any blowup avoided would have only prolonged the inevitable.

Makes it easier. But not by much.

You still feel her in every room in your home. And you always will. Pray she learns lessons for her own sake, not yours. And that you continue to grow.

That glimmer of hope is painful sometimes. But the reason is because you committed to her with every part of your mind, body, and spirit.

Today’s verse of the day pops up.

True as always.

You will never not miss her.

Please, Lord let good keep coming from this. May she laugh and smile. May she lose the stresses and anger underlying her a little more each day.

She will always be sacred. May Your will be for her to feel the wind and Sun as you’ve let me feel. Lead her Home.