Exile

The hardest thing some people can do is find the humility to come to God in true humility and grace and admit “I keep doing things my way and I keep running into walls.”

It was that way for you in 2006 to 2008 when the arrogance you had finally caught up to you. Stupid financial decisions meant you lost The ability to have an apartment because of racked up credit card debt and minimum payment increases that happen when Republicans try to use government to “help”.

You put mortgage on the card. Don’t beat yourself up it’s funny in retrospect; enough time has passed. You mutually left the old post college workhorse job at the fun park because you went up against the GM with a bunch of attitude and the owner had to make a call. Any owner worth their salt is going to go with the GM because if they don’t, it’s bad for the company. The GM got fired a month later but that didn’t really help. Your arrogance and attitude burned that bridge and it was off to the job search for really the first time.

And why on earth weren’t companies calling you? 1000 bucks a month apartment to live downtown Charleston Working retainer at the family business 10 days a month. Holier than thou attitude towards some of your friends because you were such a good person and sometimes they do something you would disapprove of – IE: relationship drama in your collective early 20s, etc.

You were begging for a kick in the teeth. You see you were a better person than anyone else because of what you had gone through in getting your degree. In taking responsibility for your choices paying half the cost of an abortion. All manner of things. Seriously God was on your side, wasn’t He? So what gives? You were one of the good guys – what kind of jackass wouldn’t help you? You were entitled to success, and the economy was booming.

And then the bottom fell out. You couldn’t afford an apartment with the credit card monthly minimum skyrocketing $300/month.

You saw the dolphins early the morning you had to leave at Waterfront Park for the first time in a moment of abject defeat, that in retrospect was one of the best things that ever happened to you.

Moving in to the folks place in Lexington with your tail between your legs at age 29 was not how things were supposed to go after the magical momentum that you had when God showed you the way to get that diploma you were so keen on. You made returning to Charleston your goal; what you wanted more than anything because that meant you would win.

And winning was what mattered, right? You worked hard fought and one to get the degree; over a lot of odds and a lot of doubt in the mind of someone you were trying to prove wrong. That’s obviously how things worked. Overcome adversity. Mentally overcoming your Gargamel. Getting what you wanted and feeling amazing afterwards.

It took you two years to finally figure out that’s not what the lesson was. Two years living on the folks’ couch desperate to keep up with the interest payments on the debt you racked up. Things felt like they were coming to a head when you finally accepted dad’s help and he introduced you to a friend of his to help give you an idea what kind of career path might you might set out on if you moved towards working at a government agency.

Talking to this guy who was actually a real deal guy like Dad was was like drinking from a fire hose. He asked basic questions that you had never even considered, and thank goodness he was trying to be helpful because if he wanted to be condescending he would’ve embarrassed the crap out of you and ways you never would’ve lived down. Even to this day you wonder how bad you embarrassed Dad being that unprepared for an actual adult conversation about your career given how arrogant you’d become.

That was the night you sat down with the folks and told them about grandchild. The tears wouldn’t stop. The realization wouldn’t stop. You were a lie. All of that pride. All of that arrogance. All of that confusion over why you couldn’t get your career started. It all flooded out of you and you could hardly keep the air in your lungs.

You felt the insecurity that had been there all along explode to the surface. Your shaken faith in yourself at the relief you didn’t have to fight over a child with Ire and the hypocrisy behind it laid bare. They sat patiently and listened. To this day you don’t know how. You hadn’t exactly shared it with anyone. it’s one thing for your subconscious to register chain it’s one thing for your subconscious to register shame. It’s quite another to let two people Who had the worlds of faith in you know just how bad you had let them down.

The Holy Spirit was in the room too, and the warmth seemed almost instant. You’d forgotten that it was Grace that gave you what you needed to earn the success that you earn. Trusting in Him, letting Him guide you while you did the work. And your arrogance had only remembered the work.

That night of tears wasn’t “the night” you finally learned your lesson; it was a journey that lasted 2 1/2 years. In some ways, it didn’t end until four years after that when you finally started going back to church. And in other ways.., you have to admit you’re probably still on it.

But you remember that night was the night you finally began to come to terms with the lesson God needed to teach you. You worked longer for the galleries and not long after a friend of a friend needed a roommate in Charleston. And even then it would be nearly A year of unemployment and frustration while selling your possessions to pay rent before you finally landed a low-end job at the height of a 2008 recession.

Since then you’ve wondered if you learned the lesson too well. You wonder sometimes if you’re too passive; too non-confrontational; too likely to withdraw into yourself and away from the world when you feel in over your head.

But that’s the journey you’re on today; and you had to learn some hard lessons to get here. And you navigate through it as best you can trying to let the Holy Spirit lead you.

And now… you have that foundation of positivity that will not be taken from you. You have headaches and fears, but you are blessed. Not just with loving and caring folks that are a safety net if you screw up, But you have that light inside you having learn from the mistakes you made. That light of letting God lead you – even if sometimes you get lost along the way, you find your way back because you know He is the one that knows the way.

He has led you to great opportunities in your career that you took on yourself. He has led you to make decisions to help others and share the blessings that He’s given you. Sometimes the others choose to be the better for it and sometimes not. Heck, sometimes you do the same.

There’s only one thing you know for sure. You needed to learn a lesson, and you did. Oh sure, at some point you would have managed to find a place just to get out and gone on to choose the path of least resistance and found mediocrity on your own instead of the blessings He had in store for you. But when it counted, you let Him guide you. And yeah you still had difficult times… but while that light was inside you, you had the strength to persevere and come out the side a better man.

Just don’t let it go to your head like it did last time. Lessons learned. 🙂

* * *

Sweetie… your journey down that path is a lot harder than mine was. It’s taking place when you’re older, having gone through more negative experiences, and have far deeper depths to struggle with given the negativity, narcissism, and alcoholism that keep sabotaging you.

It’s not karma. Everyone’s immediate situation in life is ultimately the result of the decisions that they have made. Yours have led you to where you are now. If you don’t make changes in your life, sure you might get back to where you want to be, but you will have done so without learning lessons you desperately need to learn.

If you keep that part of yourself that you desperately must leave behind, it will sabotage you again and again no matter where you are. What led you to make the decisions you made in relationships, in inviting negativity in and accepting it as “okay” And believing you were unable to actually be happy…

…will end up killing you one day.

You already have two hospital bouts to know this to be true.

Even if you did move on from Shaun without learning the lesson you need to learn, you will just leap straight back into another cage built out of the same things that have brought you from one bad situation to the next.

I don’t understand the degree of self destruction that you struggle with. It’s far worse than the arrogance I had to overcome.

But even though your enemy is so much stronger than mine was… I do know that enemy.

And I’m going to tell you something you’re not going to want to hear.

If you ever want your life to be better… if you ever want to get a break from what you call “the universe” constantly kicking you when you’re down…

There is only one answer. Ask Jesus into your heart. Admit that you’re broken and flawed just like I was and am, and ask Him to lead you going forward.

You have your hang ups. I get that. But you have seen my parents. Spent time with them. Lived with me. And you don’t understand the spark of positivity and light we carry. To you it’s naïveté. Doesn’t make any sense. But I know with every fiber of my being how real it is, and have just enough experience with what you’re having to do battle with to know there is no other way – Unless you are content with your “karma” as things stand now. Because you and I both know nothings going to change.

It’s why you don’t think you’re good for me; that you would bring me down because you accept that you are just negative.

I’m not telling you this for my benefit. I’m telling you this because I care about you. And I am being 100% blatantly honest with you, especially having seen firsthand now what you struggle with and how it manifests.

With whatever time you have left in this life, you will continue down the path that you have chosen time and time again.

“As I see fit.” “As is my right.” “In my own way.” – Words you have said so many times.

This is why you are so unhappy. I once tried to be the arbiter of my own happiness also. I failed. Not because I uniquely made bad decisions – but because I based my happiness on myself and my desires. I made everything about me. My career. My relationships. My success. My pride.

You have tried so many times to do things your way. It’s never worked. Meanwhile you have fought tooth and nail the idea of inviting God into your life in the way that have your father the light he carried with him.

I am endlessly thankful you’ve taking the opportunity to dip your toe in the water with me and my church and going to your old church in Albion. And I know you don’t have enough answers to feel justified in making the plunge.

But there’s not a lot of things I can say with absolute certainty that I know – know – with every fiber of my being.

Jesus is the way, sweetie. And it ought to be obvious because of how difficult that leap would be for you… that’s the path if you ever want to free yourself from the mercy of “karma”.

Time Squared. The cycle must end.

I love you. Your happiness means more to me than your love for me. I’ve never prayed for us to end up together. I’ve prayed for you to find Home more often than I can count.

Jesus is the way Home, Sweetie.

Sleep well. 🌷