Day 25

Have tried to stop cursing altogether. Had to give something up, and looks like it’s not drinking. Least not now.

It’s still so hard. I was in the relationship a lot longer. Years. Was also single for most of my life. Not wanting to waste my time with just anyone. Not gathering baggage to burden you with. Waited for you. Was like I could sense I’d be with you one day. Kept the bookstore for you. Told you all along it would be great for you low stress etc. Felt called to. The woman I could truly love with everything I was, am, and will be. Even when in frustration I tried to be with someone else, I could feel God pulling me back to you, and punish me with chaos and disillusionment. I knew you were coming. Just not when. Was so excited for so long.

In my mind I could hear the wind and the waves. On a beach to Vangelis’ ‘Hymne’ played by harp. With you walking down a sandy aisle with a bouquet of various pink flowers you hand picked yourself and the most loving smile I could ever imagine. Could never see how many people were there. Because you would have decided that, and I couldn’t take my eyes off you if my life depended on it.

The more time passes, the more pathetic it all seems…