Missing.

Sending it tomorrow since you get paid tonight. She needs it. Money is tight but costs at at least are a little more fixed with the meals instead of grocery.

Not a drop of alcohol in nearly 3 weeks. A month? Can’t remember when you decided to make sure you didn’t have a problem. Now it’s just calories to avoid.

Motivation is nothing without discipline. A lot of aspects of your life need to have the screws tightened. Jumping headlong into challenges at work but it’s always contingent on whether or not you got a good nights sleep… which is beyond hit or miss.

Trying to improve yourself; fighting your tendencies as best you can. Driving in more at work, but it’s hard sometimes. Forcing yourself to go to church. Awkward. It’s been so long you don’t really know any people there. Fitness and nutrition might be the easiest time you’re having… And there you’re impatience is already in play.

The folks went to Hilton Head and you could tell they really wanted you to join them. The entire time you would have wished she had been there to share it with though so, you stayed home.

Words cannot express your disgust at this point with being the third wheel after you had finally felt complete. Can’t help but feel like it was stolen from you. Both of you. Because it was. If she could only feel your thoughts. There would never be anything to argue about. When you held her hand to your chest and it seemed like she could. She knew you. And still….

You wonder what she thinks about you. If she thinks about you. She seems upset with you, but in a really different way. It makes at least trying to meet someone new easier for you, but you know who you were meant to be with. No matter what instability made you question along the way, you knew it with every fiber of your being. Still do. No wonder you’re having difficulty processing everything. There’s literally no way it makes sense to you. None.

Flame’s gone. You’d made it clear at Malleable that night that you were burning her, but Crow didn’t care. And that was fine because that’s what commitment meant. Leaving behind those who bothered the one you cared about. Put out an apology, but blocked everywhere and no mutuals; just like you knew it would be. Celt offered to reach out, but you said no. You’re fine keeping her at arms length too.

Good news is that’s for the best. Most of that was a huge mistake; you’d spent so much time with Flame on vid chat watching Netflix and YouTube; you became a huge part of her life. Made her laugh, cheered her up. Just hate people leaving your life upset with you. But, that will be the end of that story.

You feel more alone than ever. Trying as hard as you can not be bitter. You’ve not had to struggle with that in a long time. But the answer is always there. Pray. Smile. Laugh. Be grateful. Work on yourself.

Trust in Him. Force yourself to go to Sunday school and church. Keep going to the classes with older couples. All you want to do is find a single woman your age you could be with, but no – keep seeking the Wisdom of those you look up to. That’s what you need right now.

Force yourself to do this meal plan and Gym. Keep goals reasonable. Meet them and then see if you can do more. Find something to do on Saturdays. If you need to cry, that’s what Friday nights are for.

Outside of God as the priority, might just try to make your life revolve around work for a while. Start tearing it up there. Start making tons of money again. Then get a crazy hobby like sailing or paramotoring.

Now try to get some sleep. You’re still on an emotional roller coaster and you will be for a little while. Just get some sleep.

Pray that both of you actually learn whatever God is trying to teach you.

That is literally the most important thing in the world right now.