Anger

When you miss her…count the number of spiteful things you said to intentionally try to hurt her.

Compare it to the number of spiteful things she said to intentionally try to hurt you.

Strive to avoid giving yourself to anger though. Mourn who she could have chosen to be instead. Just more appropriate; many reasons.

Anger doesn’t help anyone. Remember the good times. Never forget just how happy you were. Even if you do never love again, you had what you have always wanted for at least a short 90 or so days. Many people will never have that, no matter how many relationships they have.

Day 145. It’s still going to take a long time.

You still pray for her to find God. That’s enough for the past, though. God still has plans for your future, so don’t make old mistakes and let the past hurt you for far longer than it needs to. You tend to do that. 🤔

Settle your own anger. It doesn’t do you any good. Pops up every once in a while. Usually when you miss the good times and a part of you goes to the anger almost defensively. It’s not helpful. Just remember the good times, smile, and move on. You gave far, far too much for it to be easy. It’s a deep wound. Push forward. Grow from it. And if you have to voice it, just leave it in drafts.

Church was good today. Good road map for trying to resolve your issues feeling distant from God. Moving past what pastor called an amateur relationship with God. That’s exactly where you feel you’re stuck at and you need to move forward and learn how to swim in the deep end.

Dad‘s getting stronger. Going to help out in the store this week. Finally got another pallet. Looks great so far. Company got great big news last week and lots of wheels are finally turning. Big raise inbound. Bigger role. Won’t be in time to help you recover to make DragonCon, but just as well. You’d already emotionally invested that into her as well; it was either go with her or you both stay home. You didn’t want to go without her. No point. Now it’s neither.

And… back to fighting off anger again.

You’ll get through it. There’s never a need to fight a pointless battle; not for the sake of feeling better about yourself. Especially with someone who’s not here anymore.

Mourn… and Move on.

Start wading towards the deep end. Before you know what you will be 50. Act like it… but not without the positivity thats who you are.

It’s been a loud and crazy week. Tomorrow begins another one. So enjoy a good day of rest. The house was clean enough for company all week. Keep it up. It’s nice to have it presentable all the time. Starting tomorrow though. Just nice and quiet. Enjoying the silence. Great song but not when you can listen to during the day, lolz 😂

There you go. 🙂