Beaches and Space

For you, to talk to her is to fall in love with her. To love her is to hurt, because she doesn’t want you.

To think of her is to miss her. To miss her is to ache in purposeless.

Her presence is all over this house. All over your work. Even your truck. She made your parents smile. She loved your cats. Your favorite places.

Everywhere and everything you love. Everything mingles with her now.

It has for years, as you dreamed what things would be like if you were lucky enough to have her in your arms. Your home. Intertwined with your very spirit.

Cistern. Folly. Kaminsky’s. Waterfront. Rainbow Row. Hiking. Bee City. Maybe Con. Maybe even one day church. You wanted her to have everything you could give her.

And… the answer was no. Twice. No one before has had the chance to reject everything you are, have, have come from, and stand for so completely. And no one ever will again.

The love is elemental. It will never vanish. But it can’t be anything less than it is. That’s what your heart was for her for seven years, for good or ill, and you fully committed. Absolute full investment.

Comparatively, she didn’t understand why you wouldn’t be able to speak to her again if she went back to what and who you tried to help her escape from. After going through all that pain, and your dream finally coming true…

There’s no way to square that when you literally put everything you have and are on the line for someone you truly loved. None. Even after moving on to the next love it would be tough.

Cortez burned his ships when reaching the new world. You burned all that pain away with hope for a future with her. Was the only way you could manage to be alright with her keeping so many ties to the past she’d escaped from.

No one else would have done that. No one.

Seven years of enjoyable Bubly water, then three months of the most amazing nectar you could ever imagine… you just can’t do Bubly anymore.

When she used those ties to return to all that? Ledger zero. No animosity. No bitterness. No ex hate. Promises you made to yourself that you’re still trying to keep. But, you were never going back to suffering.

So what now? No idea. Con helped. Might even keep leading to something, but that’s even more far fetched.

You so need to be stronger with God. Always good advice but particularly now. Let Him lead you. Find out what’s wrong. Why you have to try so hard.

Miss her. Love her from afar. Keep praying for her, and be there for her if she needs more prayer.

But her answer was no. It’s beyond unlikely to change. And you can’t even imagine what that would look like at this point.

Life is a case study in not realizing the way some things are at the time. As things stand here and now on this dirty September night…

For now, this is what you must do to Grow.

Let positive vibes flow from you. Keep happiness in your heart. Give others a reason to smile. And protect it.

No matter what… she wants you to be happy. The last thing you can do for her is try to make it so.

Hold her in your arms Lord. Every second I can’t hold her in mine.