Her

You wanted this to be her. You just wanted to give her everything you had, were, and would ever be.

The ocean meeting the sand, her sandled toes in the middle. Wind of Folly in the air. Holy City springtime with just enough of a cold breeze to remind her of home. Where there is warmth, and life. Love, kindness, and happiness.

And it all ended a year ago tonight. If nothing else, it certainly made St Patty’s the next day “retro”. At least now you can stop with the “a year ago” stuff; it’s less raw.

And as more time passes, it gets easier. Much easier.

You gave her everything you possibly could. It’s not like you weren’t kind enough, or didn’t do enough.

At the end of the day you were a chance, and wanted to share with her everything that you had, but she never did. All she had to do was grow and leave the Jerry Springer drama behind.

Manufactured anger never made sense to you. Yelling because you ‘want to win’ with someone you love means you don’t even realize you have won because you are loved to begin with.

How insecure does a person have to be to feel better about themselves by fighting over nonsense with those they supposedly care about?

At the end of the day, that’s the life she apparently wanted. You showed her life of warmth, kindness, cooperation, and happiness; and went out of your way to have her around the folks as much as you could so she could see what you wanted for her when your own words failed.

You’re not putting up with a Jerry Springer life. You grew up in a happy and healthy environment, and aren’t particularly interested in anything about having pain and anger simply for the sake of having pain and anger.

Is that from naïveté? Growing up spoiled? No. It’s a choice. And you choose not to have dysfunction for the sake of dysfunction. That’s high school drama and has been pathetic for decades now.

You have no idea how much of what she said about the other guy was even true. What she said about you to others. You realized she used each of you to hurt the other, and when you did, that was the end of a lot of anger.

You wish her well now, and even the folks say they still pray for her. They always liked her because there was so much to like. They were never worried about you being with her because they know how good she was deep down – they saw it – and they knew you knew what you were getting into.

It’s Jesus or bust if we ever want to be truly happy; anyone trying things their way is doomed to failure while shouting at the universe like it’s its fault – when we are the ones that always try to make the rules.

You tried that once or twice – doing things your own way. Never worked. Because it doesn’t work. And the more arrogant we are about it, the harder it eventually hurts when the inevitable crash hits.

You pray for her constantly as well; hoping she finds her way Home.

You still know you were meant to be together. But that requires each of you choosing it, and choosing to grow together. Love. Work. Time. Patience. Her priorities were different.

And that’s pretty much that.

A year since you heard her voice. And an awful lot has happened in that year. Most of it good in retrospect. Tough times you needed to go through. Out of left field amazing times you weren’t really expecting. Opportunities to repeat mistakes you chose not to avail yourself to. New mistakes made along the way as always. Pain of losing Bellerophon. Tacit understanding that God was telling you you were ready to move on from where you’ve been the last decade… and that you’ll see him again one day and find out what he really was.

You have no idea where the future is going in your life; but you know backwards is not the way to look. Leave the demons of the past in that past. Grow.

Keep it bookmarked at Psalms 46 if you need fortitude at anything coming down the pipe. Try to stay open to God’s light and never give in to cynicism. A strong man never begs for love, and a wise man knows mistakes aren’t worth repeating.

Feel the warmth of the life you have, enjoy the sands. The water. The breeze. The sky. Everything you have. Your family. Everything you are. The Love of God, what you treasure the most. The Peace that brings to you, and the love you seek to share. Breathe. And be ever grateful for the life you have.

Things could always be worse… and you’re going to be alright if you choose to be.🙂