What do You want? From me that is? Do You want me to totally just forgive everything from the past? That’s fine. I did that a long time ago. Of course it was different then. She was over there, and I was over here. If we’re gonna talk about that, then my baggage gets drawn out.

My baggage it gets put on her at that point – but unfairly. She just dumped me when we were kids. Oh boo-hoo. I’ve been through so much worse since then. It’s actually kind of funny. And she’s not responsible for a fact that I didn’t have kids. I can have kids until I’m 80 but I’m just not attracted to girls. I’m attracted to *women*.

What do You want? She can’t take care of herself. She just can’t. She doesn’t have a clue how to live by herself. How much things cost. She thinks I’m the most amazing man on earth and she is absolutely head over heels in love with me. She makes me feel amazing about myself instead of ever hurting me… but she can’t survive on her own. She hasn’t even started driving again. It’s not like she’s had a reason or her own car to do it but still…. 😔

Is this what I want? No, that isn’t the question anymore. That was the question for all of my life until last year. Is that what You want for me?

What do You want? I trust You. The woman You want for me is who I need to be with. And I’m not gonna lie, I’m kind of scared. I can take care of her; health issues and all… if that’s what You want. Is it? She agrees with me on anything I want. She does what I want. She trusts me. She loves me. Her mindset is what a man in the 50s would want, but despite the fact, Pleasantville was an amazing movie. I just don’t know that that’s me.

I always thought I needed someone who would clamp down on me when I needed it. i’ve always pushed her to be independent. I don’t want a woman who needs me, but one who wants me.

In time I think she will draw me closer to You. I hope so. Pray so.

I’m confused. I’m scared. But I think I’m finally wise enough to realize that who You want for me is who I need to want for me. You know why.

And that’s what I need to focus on. You. Not me.

You.

Not me.

You.

Please draw me closer to You in all things.

Please be with those Sacred to me. Especially tonight. I’m worried about them. Hope it’s nothing. Will never stop praying though. That love for them isn’t mine. It’s Yours. And it will never die.

Please guide me in Your will. Take care of all of those whom I have shared my life and time with.

Most of all though… please guide me.

Amen. 🙏 

He gets your attention… 🤔

Another coming up in a few weeks. South Texas has been nice; only part of the country was encased in ice the last few weeks from what it seems. Snow in Charleston for two years in a row. Wow. Gotta love the global warming. 😂

The easy flight canceled so they are routing you through… New Jersey. 🤷‍♂️ Better than the alternative but wow, yeah. Flame is snowed in in Columbia because South Carolinians don’t understand driving when snowflakes are in the air. You have enough experience driving in it to be alright, but it’s always better to let a Yankee do the driving through it if possible.

You didn’t get nearly as torn up as you were afraid you would, and 2 1/2 weeks with three weeks off will probably still put you into good condition for going to Drumheller next month.

Lots of paperwork because Alberta can’t secede fast enough, lolz. 😂 They just need be careful because the US Federal Government treats state admission like a roach motel. Try to leave and self-righteous Yankees burn down everything you have, say you deserved it, and one day act like they get to be “sanctuaries” for breaking your laws agreed to in good faith and *they* get to get away with it. Skip the hundred years of economic devastation. Meh. 

Europe has plenty of countries with only 4 to 5,000,000 people; no reason why this continent can’t other than good old Manifest Destiny. 

Meh. You’re trying to keep your opinions out of this stuff. Trying to watch the news less. Get angry less. Worry about this world less, when the next one is the one that matters. Tough though. So many people just need to be punched in the face repeatedly by reality. Sometimes you’re one of them, but *never* after a few of hardhat work. 😊

Finished reading Song of Songs w/Flame. The book of erotic love poetry most Baptists forget is in the Bible, lolz. She wants to read Romans next, which is a good one. One you’ve read before recently. Ought to be good.

Been advising the other guys about Alberta weather. The obvious elephant in the room is obvious. You think about Crow pretty often. Every Sunday for sure; praying for her. That she be drawn closer to God. Have a good week. Be well in all things. Be happy; just ‘always being in a state of okay’ was never good enough. 

Severing finally was sadly needed. Not just for Flame, but it seemed to get to the point where Crow just saw you negatively, and that meant you were adding negativity to her life. Was for the best. Won’t be able to avoid thinking of her in Drumheller anyway, but being with Flame and reading the Bible with her every night (even just on a screen) will definitely be good for you.

So many more thoughts on the issue, but now isn’t the time. The past is the past, and outside of the occasional irony like Flame, that’s where it stays. Her health seems to be doing better. Seems she’s working on making things to sell and enjoying it. Has talked about being interested in driving again. All three good signs that she wants to move forward. She really loves you. Being with the wrong person for so long is enervating. But that’s all you want to encourage thinking about re: that. Still having your own things there to get past too.

Journey today will be long, inefficient, but hopefully end safely and in the month of January with all three bags.

Yankees. Every ~ing gig. 😒

First deployment for ‘26. Two and a half weeks in southern Texas near Mexico. Then February in Grande Prairie if you survive and that  paperwork all ends up okay. There will be a temperature difference.

Honestly, you’re a bit worried. Haven’t had the conditioning of hauling kegs this time, and Flame’s cooking has been wonderful, but not exactly low-calorie. Hitting the gym has been good, but it’s too little too late to play much of a factor. At least you’re subbing mid week thanks to the last-minute need – three days of really heavy pain to start it off before the weekend instead of all five. Hope no one got hurt.

It won’t take that long to get back in the groove, but the last thing you wanna be is the weak man on the team. Well, maybe this is what they get for not having you in the field for 5 months. 

Nah, it’s on you. 😂 Nice try. No one else is responsible for your fitness but you. Felt odd kissing Flame goodbye at home as you headed out. Brother-in-law will be picking her up today to take her home and you had to give her a key to lock up. 

Been with her four months and things are going well enough. You are seriously gonna have to level up to take care of her given her health concerns. It’s daunting, NGL. Both of you are gonna have to ‘grow’ so much. 

She’s gonna need to work and drive. Be more serious. You’re gonna need to cover her health insurance and everything else. Be even more serious.

She lives two hours away, and that’s not going to change until… then / if, and that isn’t soon. So much is contingent on growth.

And the Bible. Read Book of Proverbs with her. All to get to Proverbs 31. What you need in your other half. What you need to be for her, etc. It’s all there. It works… if the couple both does what they need to in order to mitigate future resentment.

Move towards God. Seriously, move towards Him. It’s cold again. Get into Acts. Pray for guidance. And mercy. This week is so gonna hurt. 😂

It’s time to push through.

Make every day productive.

The only blank slate is 2026, and today’s the first day back.

Bible. One chapter a day, minimum.

Busy? Hit it. No excuses.

Not busy? Get books. No excuses.

Finished? Gym. 3/week. No excuses.

Build. Build. And build some more.

Await the news about Ted. Pray you get to keep her a while longer.

Cover the bases. One last year before  you’re 50. Don’t hit that milestone while leaving anything on the field.

Be grateful for all your blessings.

Your year is yours. Choose well for yourself. 

Follow me wherever I go 😂😂😂

Eternally grateful for every blessing. No blessing is greater than Christ’s Salvation.

Being together with loved ones is always priceless.

So grateful to have her another year.

And everything else. 😋

…in life you treasure.

Like having to change a tire at three in the morning, only to discover that the spare tire is flat too. 😂

YouTube Church tomorrow morning it is…

Could always be worse.

2025 has been such a mixed bag. So many wonderful things. So many frustrating things. When the numbers are tallied… It’ll be a really good year when you’re looking back…

Frustration? Absolutely. But you can handle frustration. Can even laugh about it while you’re dealing with it.

You’re starting to give Acts the Romans treatment and leave it hanging.

2026 will be a wonderful time to stop doing that.

Tentative optimism for the new year.

It’ll be up and down like every year is. But chances are it’s gonna be more memorable than most.

Draw closer to God. Always in all things. And never stop trying because… you need the practice. 🤔

Try and get some sleep.

Morning will always come.