You really have to give them credit. It’s taking you a little bit but you see what the deal is. Areas where are you are strong? You never really thought you’d be attacked there. You’ve tried to shore up your weaknesses and you realized that no you’re not as strong as you thought you were in some places.

Oh, you’ve fought off chronic depression over and over again and the joy of your life shines through it every time.

And actually now that you see what they’re up to? Honestly you have to sarcastically give them credit for daring to try.

Spring of 1994. Kelly Jacobs; your first crush. You did something stupid because you were young and stupid and in love and she chewed you out in front of the cafeteria – rightfully so in retrospect but you don’t remember specifically what it was…

You were hurt, so you cut school to get away and drove to a secluded place just to agonize over it and do some self hating. Saw a piece of glass on the ground and picked it up and looked at your wrist.

“This is what I’m supposed to think about, right?” Even in that moment the absurdity of it was enough to put a dent in your self-loathing and give you a brief giggle.

You have a mental block against suicide; always have. not only have you never considered it, you don’t understand how anyone could consider it absent bizarre circumstances like beneficiaries or heroic last stands in history, etc.

It’s just flat out dumb to try to attack you there.

So…

…What’s with the mood lately?

* * *

You’ve said it yourself – you feel like you’re just kind of… here.

No purpose in life. You were supposed to be married with some kids like 15 years ago. And thoughts drift through your mind like… all you need to do is outlive mom and dad so they don’t have to bury you, and… why does there need to be anything else?

There is no point in experiencing anything amazing alone. None.

And if you have waited so long to find that woman… searched so long… only for her to say no… there goes that.

The idea of a relationship with anyone else is tantamount to keeping them company until one of you dies. That’s not living. Not passion. Not love.

So why bother worrying about lifespan? About what you eat? About sleep apnea? About all that stuff that might be slowly killing you?

The world is getting sicker by the day. You have no idea how decent parents even try to protect their kids from such a twisted culture that’s actively trying to ruin their innocence.

You watched the cold war end and the Soviet union collapse Only to now have almost an entire generation brainwashed into believing collectivism will somehow magically work “this time”, and traditional values be stomped on by a culture that demands conformity of thought.

You would be a fierce guardian for a few children in such a world.  insistent upon passing values of goodness and decency; of kindness and virtue – and still by the values of a loving God, instead of those of activists who demand suspension of reality for the sake of their feelings.

So no partner in life.

No children to raise to make the world a better place.

One of these days you’re not gonna be able to get Adderall, and based on what has happened to the Celt, There’s not much you can do besides barely tried to keep a simple job without it after 27 years.

What is there to look forward to?

At this point? Only Heaven. And even then you don’t want to feel presumptuous.

Just outlive the folks. Start working on getting your affairs in order so you make sure what you have goes to the church, and your best friends’ kids.

That’s not suicide. It’s just not trying so hard to stick around when you have no reason to and would rather go home. 

* * *



Seriously – can you believe that shit?  WOW, you’ve got to admire the guts  of the great jackass of Hell to take a shot at you where your armor is the strongest.

Of course it’s the damn same thing. And fuck that bastard; you see what he’s trying to pull… 🤣🤣🤣

It’s pussing out on trying to make the world a better place with whatever tools you have. You have no idea what is going to transpire during this  accelerating second half of your life. But whatever happens, your life belongs to you – a gift from God - and hell if you’re gonna let them win. 🤣

You’re the one that is actually happy when you’re depressed – truly a gift brought about by being so thankful for what you have, and desiring to make the world a better place somehow.

I mean you’re not going to just stop eating bacon and go vegan to live as long as you can just to piss them off, even though that actually is the first argument for veganism that appeals to you. 😊

Nah.

You have no idea how long this funk is going to last. All you know is that you’re not gonna puss out like that.

What you need to do is realize that even where are you are strong… elements of darkness that seek to harm you and those you care about will try to exploit you.

You’re not as strong there as you thought you were. But that’s all right. So long as you realize it and see through what’s been going on behind that darkness, you can tell it to have a glass of GFY.

So OK… what do you have to live for?

Hell if you know. 

But now you can always fall back on “just to piss them off.” 😊

Now get some stuff ready for a fun New Year’s party tomorrow night… 🥂😁🥳





And they still found ways to royally piss you off on Christmas Eve…

https://youtu.be/ufIbKireLyQ

Still too blessed to have the right to complain. Being thankful for all you have takes the edge off. Health problems are on the horizon; you can feel them.

The future is still bright though…

Somehow.

Flooding in Charleston again…

What was she like that night? You had built it up so much in your mind… there’s almost no way that date could live up to those expectations. Three years you had waited, just to take care girl you liked out to dinner. And somehow it was perfect. She smiled the whole night. Laughed the whole night. You both had fun the whole night. You didn’t fall into a rut of negativity once the whole night. Even the stuff you agreed on being negative about together. 🤔

You both just… had a nice, fun, enjoyable night together.

And don’t sell yourself short – you know she was a little nervous too. 🙂

With all the buildup she was probably a little worried about meeting some kind of expectations you had.

But that night was just a night of transcendence. You’d been head over heels for her for a while, had so many long, depthful conversations, and you had plenty of reason to find her… enchanting.

But as much as you had spent time with her and all manner of form, it did not prepare you for the magnificent woman you took out to dinner that night.

And as the gentleman it was on you to take her out on the town. Her smile. Placid. Loving. Kind. Just…elegant…

That night… everything was magical. You never in a million years expected to be able to truly identify with Cinderella.

You will never understand why.

Why God gave you what you’d dreamed of – literally – more than once… just… nevermind…

Nevermind why you love her. She has no idea just who she is. And why.

Elegance of her kind actually… changes you when it comes to her. You aren’t you around her, despite your word to her to always be honest. Your sarcasm and prickliness you’ve buried in her presence. And it feels it’s almost as it ought to be.

But why?

Answer’s both cryptic and obvious. Which means only one thing.

Whatevs. You’re statistically past halfway to the grave and you know based on recent trends that… you don’t have as long as most folks think you would.

God’s put you here, and you chose to stay when He would no longer ask you to.

Why?

Because you’re you, she’s her, and God’s God.

If she only knew… what she meant to you, and more importantly… why.

Well…nevermind. It’s likely for the best. Treasure the memory of that night. Treasure every moment with her. Every memory.

And hope… Pray… Beg… for her to find happiness. True happiness.

By her own admission, she battles daily with her own ego. If only she could see herself the way you see her. Maybe… just maybe… she could understand.

Was it all an act that night? Nope. 😊

And the fact that it wasn’t speaks volumes to you.

Now, sleep. One more sleep-apnea-fueled battle against death with a stuffy nose for 8 more hours. Maybe you’ve served your purpose in life, and it’s time to go home. Maybe not.

All you know is… you will never be the same after that wonderful night…

…no matter what.

And you don’t know what it is. Some kind of resignation. Chest pains are getting worse. You don’t really feel like doing much thinking. Much writing. Tough to use a CPAP with your sinuses torn up. Stupid thing won’t fit when the nasal passages are stuffed. It’s not like you care. Yep somethings wrong all right. You don’t feel like praying about it, so that’s obviously the first thing you need to do.

Figure your shit out. You matter to some people that mean the world to you. Fucking act like it.

During happier times this year – for me at least – we talked about it, and I was so excited.

Spending Christmas with mom and dad every year is nothing but happiness. Nothing but love. Kindness. And yeah, amazing food.

A lot has changed since July. The way you felt about me. The way I felt about you. And I know that given the current circumstances it’s probably impossible.

If you want to visit this Christmas, I would love to have you. No strings. No “feelings”. Just us sharing our holiday with you.

It would be no trouble; you have my word on that.

I just wanted you to know.

🌷

Never been broken that bad. 🤔 Something to give thanks about.

The Storm is weakening…

Figured it would in time.

You’re not sure what it means. You’re not any wiser, sadly. If there was a lesson hopefully you learned it and it didn’t escape you in the night. Only one way to find out though.

…In time. 🤔

For now, keep the hatches battened. You’re pulling as hard as you can. And you get one wish at least; you’re still here in the midst of chaos.

Battered, but not brutally broken. So what kind of love do you deserve?

None. You deserve nothing. No one “deserves” anything. Thank goodness we don’t get what we deserve, lolz 😂

Why would you deserve anything? What did you do? Cure cancer? Give someone a kidney? Save a kid in a burning building? The things you do that benefit the world around you, you get paid for.

The nice things you do for friends are rewarded by friends doing nice things for you.

Why would you deserve more? You have been given so much. You feel it’s the right thing to do to give to others because of it. Do you deserve more for that? Lol no, of course not! Otherwise don’t help and call it a wash. 🤣

What about bad things? You’ve done bad and stupid things – everyone has. What do you deserve because of them?

Well… the consequences, right? What else? Do you deserve to have the right to just do them and not face consequences? You guess maybe if you did more good things… you know maybe give more to charity… mentor disadvantaged youth… try to be more generous with what little time and money you have… spend less time alone, wishing you were with someone you love…

Interesting…

Maybe that’s why.… 🤔

Trust in God. If there is any benefit to others from you being in this world it is because of him. If not… well, idiot you’re not doing it right… 🤣

Get well soon, Atreyu. It starts again in the morning…

Not sure whether or not to be concerned. Your past really wasn’t tough. Sure seemed tough at the time and it was not all smooth sailing…

… but now that you’re older, you realize that any strength that you have has come from learning from people wiser than you… and trying to put things into perspective.

Or… maybe you’re just not a strong person. You don’t particularly care to think that but just be aware that you might not be able to handle some things as well as you think you can.

Being strong doesn’t mean not having to deal with fear, project confidence, be a jerk, or having to act the badass, lolz…

And there’s all kinds of different strength out there. For various situations and various kinds of people.

Too often we get so wrapped around the idea of being strong that we forget to actually be strong.

Like weight lifters that don’t care about the shoulders because stronger shoulder muscles aren’t as noticeable. Looking strong doesn’t mean being strong.

Dunno. Odd that you like the expression of the picture, but have to then immediately address whether or not it applies to you.

Self reflection and introspection is always helpful though. Grounding. And oddly enough, even peaceful.

Perhaps sometimes it takes strength to admit to weakness… 🤔