Spent. Tired. Weary. Yeah, you’re in The Way now. Your attitude has been getting more and more… well… probably best called sullen as of late.

You’re just tired of it. All of it. She knows you think about her every day but she doesn’t know how much. Would probably bother her.

Doesn’t matter. There is literally not a damn thing you can say, case you can make, anything whether relentlessly logical or purely emotional.

You once mocked her out of frustration. Literally no matter what he did she always brought him back in. Literally no matter what. Literally. No. Matter. What.

You said you hoped he never actually hit her because then she’d never leave him. Well that’s one hell of a regret now.

Fucking Stockholm. Conditioned response “but I deserved it because of what I did”. Exact same damn thing no matter what said action is.

It’s the gaslightingly emotional abuse that started this wagon that’s your real concern.

And even if you are completely off-base… it’s still freaking toxic no matter what.

Pat yourself on the back that you managed to hold your tongue from the nasty plunging fire in the form of sardonic babbling you’ve kept from her so far.

And now take that with the bitter pill that you deserve – and recognize that maybe you have a fucking control problem too and that’s why you’re so pissed off.

Because it certainly looks like it. Oh whatever just admit it. 😒

And yet…

…she says…

She’s considering a lot of Jesus stuff right now. And she might be tuning into Pnuts soon.

While you’re feeling this way. Great.

Well, save some of that indignation for yourself. No – you’re not perfect… but you made it very clear that you could not get in the way of your desire for her to find Home.

You need to go in a different direction for a while. You are in absolutely no position to be of any benefit to her with what really matters right now.

It is deep down what you really want for her most of all. At least that actually is the truth even as strongly as you have your own desires as well.

But if she is to develop her relationship with Jesus… you need to leave her be. You are causing problems. Or will as that side you keep hidden gets more ornery.

There are two facts you need to understand more than anything else right now:

1) She owes you nothing in terms of explanation or consideration regarding the choices she makes.

2) If she chooses to follow Jesus, literally nothing else matters.

You are your problem right now. Not her.

Take heart from the fact that you have given her your concerns. She has given you her word that she would consider your Stockholm assessment – which means she has and will.

SHE will decide what is best for her.

Interesting question… if you could override her decisions… would you? That’s not something you believe in. You believe in individuality, freedom and personal responsibility.

And yet… yeah. Yeah you would. So you’re a hypocrite too. Great.

That’s not protecting her… WTF is wrong with your head right now???

Sigh.

General rule of thumb whenever your faced with tough choices:

Choose the harder path. It’s somehow literally always the right one.

Take some time away from her.

You are in The Way.

And frankly you really need to work on you for a while too. You didn’t realize how far off course you’ve gotten.

Jesus is what matters. For both of you.

Springtime in the Holy City is coming. This is a good time to do some centering. For both of you.

And don’t get this way again. However she feels about you, she knows you’re better than that – and sure needs you to be.

Now go be better. Eat your vegetables. Get out of The Way.

And do the Tomcat post. That was a neat idea. A better idea than being an idiot at least.

He’s talking. Please listen. Even the sea has windmills…

As always.

Friday nights…

More Psalms. The tough ones. Book III. Regret. Forgiveness. Love.

Please forgive my trespasses, Lord. I fall short, but must never cease trying. I felt horrible about it even before it was over. I just wanted Flame to leave. The last day I didn’t want anymore of it, and just wanted your grace to forgive my guilt.

Forgive me so that guilt may leave me; it obstructs me on a night I need a clear voice. 

Please let beloved Crow find You, Lord. Please help her find tomorrow. Her angry taunts plagued me all day. I pray for her to choose tomorrow, and have terrible fears that she will leave. But there is nothing I can say, and her anger won’t subside.

Please hold her in your arms every moment I can’t hold her in mine. I don’t care if she hates me forever, just give her more time to find you. And please let my mind be at peace.

I’m not responsible for any of the corners closing in on her; the cancers in her life and her decisions led her there long before we grew close... but sometimes it sure doesn’t feel that way.

If given the opportunity I wanted to be part of her finding that which has alluded her for so long.

She knows how much I want for her, how much I want to be with her, and what I would give to make her happy…

…and for over five years, I have been crushed as she has chosen the cancers over what I wanted to give her. Or at least what I wanted her to find.

But I am nothing when it comes to what I want for her in finding You, and my love and pain has blinded me far too often. Now it has been joined by my frustration. And here we are.

Take whatever you need. Save her. Please. I don’t even care how. Give her something. Anything. To guide her to you.

That has never been me. I am no guide. Merely a fellow broken traveler that leads himself astray too often. Only you can guide her – and only if she is willing to give You a chance.

Please let her anger be with me, not you. I didn’t wrong her, but that isn’t good enough. Just be with her. Hold her. Guide her. And please do the same for me.

Even in what seems like it might be the darkest hour… I have faith in this woman. To be courageous. Wise. Strong. Happy.

Her brightest days are yet to come, filled with love and laughter; caring and understanding. 

Even tonight. Even now.

I read the words from Psalms 91 as if she could hear them.

Because I have faith in her.

—

I will say concerning the Lord, who is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust:

He himself will rescue you from the bird trap, from the destructive plague.

He will cover you with his feathers; you will take refuge under his wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield.

You will not fear the terror of the night, the arrow that flies by day, the plague that stalks in darkness, or the pestilence that ravages at noon.

Though a thousand fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, the pestilence will not reach you.

You will only see it with your eyes and witness the punishment of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord – my refuge, The Most High – your dwelling place, no harm will come to you; no plague will come near your tent.

For he will give his angels orders concerning you, to protect you in all your ways.

They will support you with their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the young lion and the serpent.

—

Please. Hold her in your arms tonight, Lord. Bless her as you have blessed me. She is sacred to me.

She has always been.

In Jesus’ name, amen.



She just doesn’t know

what she does to me.

All I know

is that I love it

when she makes me feel this way.

She is magnificent.

I only wish

she knew how.

Billy Joel was a prophet.



Just so tired. The cloudy, chilly days begin to give way to warm, sunny days of renewal. Moving forward is all around you. A 44th birthday approaches. Another notification for another book for tomorrow. Start out small. Humble. As with any new job. But just so tired. Become less tired. Find new energy. Find new life...

It’s a new day. For you, and more than one of those close to you. Every day will have highs and lows, but a new day is a new day. Notice the context.

“New Day”… is a term of optimism. Interesting. 🤔

Blessings bestowed on us. Things to be thankful for. Answers for questions on decisions needed to be made.

Start off strong. No reason not to. And give thanks for every New Day to God. Let Him guide you. Across seas stormy and steady. Breathe deep into the mask. Sleep will come. Cool breezes. New ideas.

The sky is the limit. 🙂

It really is. Maybe the only thing that’s easy. So easy you have to be careful.

Telling her that you love her. It just… feels so good.

It’s not just something you say. Sometimes you try to pass it off that way, make it less formal. “Love Ya” is a good go-to. But even then, it just feels so good to say it to her. Not just because it’s true, or feels natural – even though both are the case.

Sigh. You really need to be careful.😕

Keep the order straight. The Dove comes first. Then the Azalea. Then the Rose. Quit forgetting. Please quit forgetting. You are not what matters. Her finding Jesus – and Home is. It matters so much.

Because you love her so much.

Aaaaaand that’s what we call a feedback loop. Which means only one thing – LOL yeah you’re gonna need His help on this one. 😂

It’s not like you don’t have feeling for anyone else. You care for Flame a great deal. But you haven’t said those words to her since she found you again outside “part of you always would”.

You don’t know what to think about that. So remember what you heard this morning, and try to get closer to Him in your daily life. Try to invite Him into everything you do.

In supply side economics, people always fixate on the political aspect and not the economic one.

Basic layman’s economic understanding is the line where demand meets the supply, and you move along those points on supply curve. The lower the supply, the higher the price. So logically you would want to maximize the yield. If the first number is the Number of people willing to buy something at the price (represented by the second number)…

1×9

2×8

3×7

4×6

5×5

6×4

7×3

8×2

9×1

You charge five dollars. Five people will buy it. Maximizes the inflow.

But that’s moving along the points on a static curve. When you focus on shifting the whole curve itself… that’s when things start getting amazing. 🙂

Maybe that’s what happened with your heart. Maybe not. But focus on helping her shift the whole curve, not just find more comfortable points along it.

Because it feels so good to tell her you love her.

🕊🌷🌹



The queen. The legend. The voice of love itself. You couldn’t help but like this song when you were a kid, but when it came on the speakers at the park when you were at work, you couldn’t help but dance. Frankly you still can’t. The lyrics as true now as they were then. Dammit. Whatevs. It’s The Supremes at the top, and Diana Ross. So many great songs of hers filled the car throughout your journeys, but this one was the first and best that latched on to you and wouldn’t let go. Your tastes in music in the 80’s actually stayed consistent – they were most all you knew – but it was the 90’s when everything began to get disjointed. You didn’t care. This came out in 1966 but it’s 90’s to you, and always will be. To be treasured. You wore out the tape.

So many Billy Joel songs, but this narrowly beats out Uptown Girl. Trying to keep it to just one song per artist. This one just seems subdued, but meets exactly what one would want from such a great rhythmic song. Aside from an almost invisible bass, the song is completely vocal. Billy Joel singing all of the parts overlaid. Lighthearted fun. Even the first attempt at karaoke you ever made. Fortunately that was just with a single machine at Flame’s house. She thought you were great. You pretended you weren’t off key.

Whatever. It’s your list. A shame Billy Joel won’t perform this one live anymore after he split with Christie Brinkley. Played in your head constantly at that first job, especially when you worked the tracks. But back then you cruised the park with a broom and dustpan, Adderall neurotically guiding you to rack up raise after raise attacking any trash like it was the Second Battle of the Marne. Odd that you were never close to that guy going after that girl…it was just the song. Whatever. It was great.

Listerine antiseptic. It says what it does, it does what it says. Right out of the Cool Mint Listerine commercial. Just fun. A carryover from middle school that never ran of out style in your retro music sphere. You felt it had a confident sound, and you loved fast-paced rhythms. You felt like swinging through jungles, but running through the woods had to suffice. That would have been sweet though.

In the mornings after you picked up your friend to go to school, in the Walkman when running, on the way to work, you name it. This. Specifically the live version. Heavy beats with flowing rhythm. Bordering on… gasp… country. But especially running. Blaring in your head silently during meets as you burst out of the woods. At the home Cross Country course that part always gave you a boost, which you sorely needed at that point during the meet.

Hauntingly beautiful. Used to remind you of Flame, but now it just reminds you of the youthful optimism you once had…and yet always can have. First ran into it in the movie. Without any Soundtrack (none was released…a heinous crime) and long before YouTube, there was no way to listen to it other than in your mind. Rewinding the tape at that part to listen over and over. You could play it in your head. Still can. Helps sometimes even today. It is never too late to do what you always could have done…

Occasionally something actually contemporary slipped through. Hanging out with the guys on the Cross Country team saw that happen on occasion. This one popped up on the Walkman as you ran the practices alone during class prep period on Fridays that Coach authorized since you needed to work Friday nights.

Driving around with Flame post-accident. You both loved the song, but in time, it began to be overplayed. Eventually, it came on one too many times for your taste and you turned it off. She asked why; you both liked it. You explained. She adopted the same attitude immediately. Not good. You knew even then.

It’s not your fault. With this beat and how easy it becomes an earworm, this was going straight into your favorites. So easy to run to and establish a rhythm with. So annoyingly fun. Seriously, you can’t listen to this song and sing along and not have fun. The second you heard it, you knew both the bad news and good news. Earworm. Early and often. That you’d just love. Reminded you of right angles. Building. You have no idea how though. Just wonderful.

Frankfurt, Germany. Last night of European history vacation with Dad over spring break. Headphones. Couldn’t sleep. Had loads of fun but was ready to come home. Another day and you would have gotten homesick. Got you excited for the prom. At least dancing. Senior year was finishing up and you were Charleston bound. Dreams of good times with great friends you hadn’t yet met.

…………………………………

There were so many. Songs. Memories. Places. Associations. This time was an era in your life, well defined. Bizarrely well-defined to be honest. Prior to the first job at the fun park, Cross Country, and being dragged out of your shell, it was more Aerosmith and Def Leppard. A weird stage from 92-94 as you were finally coming out of massive introversion from your accident and finally gaining the slightest level of independence. And then when Fall 95 hit, everything changed as you were away from home for the first time and your whole world opened up – for better and worse, as it is with growing up. Oddly enough, that’s when your interests widened to discover The Ventures, Enya, and a world of music tied to various sources of gaming. Soundtracks, Scores, and a world of creativity, along with the crashing realization that the rest of life would not be as easy to sleepwalk through and succeed at as high school.

Senior Year. You miss that time. Even more, you miss that you. Confident, capable, energetic. ESTJ. All American attitude. Winning smile. Maybe a bit too innocent, but not necessarily naïve. You’ve only felt like that – really felt like that – once in the past many years. In an airport. Before nervousness kicked in. The open realm of possibility – of knowing the future was going to be bright. Of enjoying the ride, but ready to return to what you dreamed the wonder of tomorrow would be like.

Find that kid. He can help. 🙂

You need sleep…