Personal Opinion: Learning to find joy even in the oddest places is a trick that will truly sustain one in life.

Next week the workload is really going to blow up; might as well use that as inspiration to have a blast this weekend, lolz….

Someone always has it worse. 🙂

Five years. I saw her soul for five years. It was beautiful. Passionate. Intelligent. Scarred, but resolute. And all in one fell swoop she did what she swore she’d never do… instantly. Zero explanation.

I could handle one, but not both. No “look…I’m sorry, but here’s why I can’t ___.” Nothing. I never once told her I deserved or was owed anything from her. Quite the opposite.

We spoke literally every day. I love her. I’ve always loved her. Friend. Family. More. Less. I don’t even fucking care anymore. And I would not have been in this mess nearly as bad if I hadn’t been trying to help her find You.

You put me here. Gave me insight I’d never known. Told me when she was in danger, even though she still sliced her hand and she’ll never finish that damn book. You’d never done that for anyone else. My whole life. Just her.

Did you set me up for failure? Her anger at me has got Your name all over it. Me being loyal to you is one of the reasons she’s so bitter.

I don’t know what the hell your plan is. But it has cost been an awful lot of pain. Sleep. More time mourning then for anyone I have ever mourned.

My heart was a lamb to the fucking slaughter – and you knew it.

I broke every rule for her I could, Because of everything that happened to her that shouldn’t. And fine I’ll break that rule too – Shouldn’t. Have. Happened. To. Her.

No, you didn’t appoint me to “save her”. Only she could do that. But I wanted to at least be someone to put brightness into her life. Show her life through my eyes. And I was up against things… not… of… this… world.

And as optimistic as I am I just flat out didn’t see any backup on Your end. And after what I saw when I was there? You want me to go up against…that??? I don’t want to know what your plan is. I hate it.

Now I’m supposed be going out to lunch with a really nice girl, and I can’t even be excited about it. Is this to build my faith or something? Some test, like I promised her you don’t give?

I don’t even care anymore. At least right now. I gave her my heart thanks to your plan, and the new one just ain’t ready yet. I’m going to be angry your damn plan for a long, long time.

But…No. There is no question. No shame. No regret. I trust You. And put me up against the same thing 10 times over if you want, but just please…

…make it worth it. She will always be sacred to me. No matter how furious or hurt. No matter how shocked and crestfallen.

Bring her true happiness. That’s all I’ve got left to ask for right now. Never let her feel she can’t talk to me. Ease my pain so I give her no reason to hang up on me for good.

I’m her officer. Her protector she said. I don’t know what that means, but she is one of my dearest friends. and now she won’t even let me try to protect her…like I was doing any good to begin with.

No, I’m not okay. I won’t be until I’ve found the wisdom I need.

For her…I need the wisdom to just be… Quiet. I am as confused as I am crestfallen. Not one sip of alcohol until I trust myself. Purge my anger. I hate again for the first time in 19 years. That’s the first thing that’s got to go. Only you and I know how dark it got; she’d be shocked. I don’t ever want to be that guy again. 

But above all, please help keep me fucking Quiet, for her sake.

No matter what Your plan is… I’m honored that You put her in my life. I don’t know why right now. But one day I will remember the five years of having that treasured woman in my life, and not the last five days of absolute pain.

I just want my friend back. I won’t apologize for anything, because I didn’t do anything wrong. But please…I just want my friend back. Never let her feel my door is closed, or give her any reason not to open it again.

Barring that, Lord…please put your arms around her every minute I can’t. Please never let her forget how much I want her to be happy. And please, Lord…take care of my favorite Jennifer.

Amen.

Would you prefer to be aggrieved, or thankful?

“Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free.

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.”

“The Lord has disciplined me severely, but he has not given me over to death.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭118:5-9‬ and 18

#May14

…when I can begin to be surprised. 🙂

#May14

Not even noon yet on Monday and you can tell this is going to be a trial of a week. And you still know the storm on the horizon hasn’t really even begun to churn yet.

Life just never hits you piecemeal does it? Well maybe it does, but it’s not so bad because it is just one at a time.

You’ve been through far worse and you will be through far worse in the future. That’s not the problem. Problem is the storm is bigger than just you.

One of your dearest friends is neck deep in anger at you and honestly has been for a few weeks, for reasons you really don’t understand. You’ve tried to stay positive, then she tried twice to stab you in the heart when you failed her. She’s pushing you away. She must have her reasons, but you’re really worried about her. How can you not be? Mixed messages for months and months and you literally just don’t know what’s truly going on in her mind…or heart. She seems like she wants to hurt you and there’s only one way left that she can. And that wouldn’t just hurt; it would devastate you.

A new friend and coworker is fighting her own battle just to come into work. You feel you need to make it as easy on her as you can or she’ll crack. Considering you can’t even make it easy for yourself, an uphill battle begins… along with the hell of having to go back to where you spent eight months of misery for “a little while”.

You can see it in mom’s and dad’s eyes they’re afraid for each’s health, and you know they’d keep you away from the stress as much as they could – so it’s worse than you think. That’s all you can know. Which makes it worse.

Tiny slivers of silver lining can be found, but this is no time for Optimism. But that is why Optimism is more important than ever.

It’s hitting in May for a reason. Just hope the reason isn’t because it would destroy you some other time.

You hark on the virtue of Wisdom, but that’s because what little wisdom you actually have, you treasure – because you’d suffered so hard to get it.

And that Wisdom tells you…trust Him. No matter how mad you are at Him. No matter how hard it gets. No matter what you don’t understand.

And if you lose everyone you love, and everything you have, and god forbid everything you are…

Be nothing but thankful for the days you got to have them in your life…

…and hold fast. Because the page is about to turn…and the new heart you’re building isn’t ready yet…

One is on the way. You can feel it on the wind. Part of you is glad. You have survived every one and this one will be no different. You are in the trenches, but they are better than the doldrums now aren’t they?

Some confidence is actually appropriate; you’re able to not be bitter. Sure wasn’t easy. Won’t be. At this point likely ever. Maybe that’s why you’re looking forward to the storm. When you’re so tired of your struggles you look forward to different ones.

Ditch Facebook. Enough. As it is, watching that endless cycle is just insulting and hurting you. Batten down the hatches. Start fortifying LinkedIn again. Who knows… Compartmentalize. What comes out on the other side of the squall will be stronger, if even by a minuscule amount.

May Wisdom lead you – though please not home yet. There’s still too much confusion. Winds blowing in four directions at once and these sails are tattered. These waters aren’t home, but you came out here for a reason… And you’re not scared of them anymore.

Bring the storm. Wish it all upon yourself and yourself alone. And once you’re through it… you’ll finally have clear skies.

To what end? Only God knows. But that’s fine. He’s a better sailor than you’ll ever be. You’ll be fine.

Not soon. But soon enough…

Bring it. Insomnia for something new… and you’re finally wise enough to find it invigorating.

You called it almost 3 years ago, but you didn’t listen to yourself. That’s why she was put in your life. Chaos isn’t the enemy you thought it was.

Chaos is possibility. Chaos is opportunity. Chaos is energy.

If you aren’t careful it will blow up in your face. You can’t control it. But you can choose to navigate through it without trepidation instead of avoiding it.

In the calm before the storm, the skies are clear. You see more clearly now than you have in a long time. That will change when the storms arrive.

But now… you have finally learned Time Squared. Even you don’t get how you’re so optimistic. Even here. Even now. You wouldn’t be if you were truly on your own.

Wintersun’s guitar begins to swirl the waters around the cove. The wind feels soothing and cool.

20 years ago today, your first heart was breaking wide open. Then into pieces, and lost to the sea.

But that was a different time. And never again will you be afraid of a storm…in May.

https://youtu.be/X9ukSm5gmKk

Not much does. 

Words can’t describe how much it is. In fairness, it’s been asked to do more than it has in years, and gone so much farther than it ever has before.

Maybe this is exercise. Just the warm-up for a new chapter of life  but it’s needed to stretch and work out to prepare for.

Maybe this is it way of saying it wasn’t meant for what you’re asking of it.

So….what are your priorities?  What are you doing out here?  Here be dragons, after all, and you have weathered many, many storms. 

What are your priorities? Do they really matter? And if they do, who do they matter to? If they matter to others, what are their priorities?

If you look long enough, you can tell.

So now…to Scylla or Charybdis? Is that where we’ve journeyed? This far out?  Did Wisdom lead us here? Probably not, but she can get us home. 

 …if it’s time. 

…when it’s time.