You really need to cheer up. Waiting on the Mayo Clinic and a half a dozen other things that you really need taken care of is taking it’s toll. It’s just a mood, fortunately, negativity of not feeling like you’re making any progress, along with being stupid enough to stay on social media more than just long enough to see if we are at war with anyone.

Celt might return today. She says she wants to but you never know with her and plans. You really need to accomplish something, no matter how pointless. 

Haven’t done much seeking wisdom besides praying and reading as much as you can of Ezra before it stops Making sense. Reading it is tough without your friends at study to bounce it off of. Separate research helps but that’s like just Reading the cliff notes instead of using them the way they’re actually supposed to be used.

Breaking cycles is tough. Has to be done though, if you ever hope to find a better place you want to find. You have finally gotten to the point where you hate it when you fall asleep without the mask on. So give yourself a little credit. There used to be no way on earth you would wear that thing unless you went on a trip and we’re going to keep someone awake with your snoring. 

Pure, absolute stupidity. You didn’t care what it was doing to you because you just didn’t like it and that was that. There’s just no other way around it. Thank God the damage is reversible; You just hope and pray you’ll have a chance to have the answers you need from Jacksonville to be able to plan the next part of your life, so you know what you’re up against. 

Learn from your mistakes. Admit them, learn from them, and take action. Otherwise, you have no one to blame but yourself. You don’t know how you’re going to get a normal sleeping schedule, so it’s time to channel your inner MacGyver and find a way.

Probably put some junk on the couch and the recliner just to keep you from getting comfortable in them during long afternoons so you don’t fall asleep and snore your brain away.

Seek wisdom, accept it, and do something with it. You’ve got to start being good at all three. It’s not rocket surgery. Make it happen.

He loves making you wait, doesn’t He? Lol Probably not, it’s just good for you. Impatient American. When you read history books they generalize a period between, say, 1610 and 1620.

While when you live through Something rough that involves a lot of waiting, time seems to stand still.

Three months ago almost no one had heard of coronavirus. Three months doesn’t seem like a long time. Fascinating.

Wait and be patient. Anger doesn’t disappear even when vented. Grace doesn’t just appear because you’ve decided you need it. As amusing as it seems it’s almost beneficial for you to be the serial procrastinator that you tend to be because procrastination just might be evidence of someone with more resolve for waiting…

Whatever you’re totally making that up because you’re trying to put a  spin on it. Screw it, this is your blog and you’re going with it. Cash that in for something positive for once. 😂

He’s here all right. All the buildup though followed by the disappointment of  nothing changing.  fascinating because that’s actually what the book of Ezra was all about.

You learned that last night, but you didn’t actually figure it out  until just now. Meta points within points. All illustrated directly to you in your life. When you actually can sit down and focus enough to read it it is amazing how it comes to life within your life.

Just some thoughts. You have stayed up with Flame watching Futurama episodes together while texting the last few nights. She’s never seen it before.

Be patient for the mayo clinic too. Waiting for the scheduling, which is done by triage so they have a review process and might get to tell you “we’re not going to help you overcome this beast of a problem that is sidelining your entire life.”

Which is probably going to be the answer for various reasons; most notably because it’s about time for you to actually have to go through something again. It’s alright. You can take it. Someone else might need that help more. Find a way through.

High hopes, dashed. Again. Just like when they tried to rebuild the temple, and all the usual suspects jumped on the way to stop them in the form of their own hubris.

It’s alright. You are no stranger to waiting for things you desperately hope for, or disappointment. Find some purpose though… that’s what you need most of all right now.

Sleep well. Tomorrow will be the next part of the waiting and my goodness you don’t want to miss that… 😂



I reach out to Him in prayer for you.  prayer for you to feel His warmth. His peace. His love. Mine falls short. I am nothing without Him and yet I tried to speak for him to you in arrogance.

What I thought was the story of rebuilding the temple is the story of high expectations followed by disappointment because of the self-righteousness and lethargy of those who would rebuild what had been destroyed.

The meaning escapes me other than That this new heart will fail if I do not let Him fill it with His grace.

I failed you Because I left my desire for you come before His wishes. His wishes are for you to be happy. At peace. Your wounds healed by building up on the foundation your father placed within you.

You rightfully lost respect for me when I forgot His wishes and substituted my own.

I don’t know what my path is now. But it must be the one He sets out for me, or I will continue to fail.

I must find what I have lost, and what I have continued to lose far longer than you’ve known me.

Warmth filled my heart. I tried to send some to you. Only you know if I succeeded.

I didn’t ask Him for answers, only for Him to be with me as I sought to understand a tiny piece of the world around us.

You are sacred to me.  I need you to have peace. Love. Warmth. I have tied my life to yours. I didn’t know what I was getting into. But in that I have no regrets. 🙂

He loves you and so do I. I don’t know what anything means right now. I don’t know if He wants me to move on without you in my life, but if He does, then it is needed for you to have what I have wanted you to have since the day I met you.

Forgive me for the wrongs I’ve done by you. For letting my selfishness get in the way. For me wanting you for myself.

For now, I cause discord in your life when what I want for you is peace and happiness. I told you I would never leave unless I became the source of problems for you. By your words even tonight I have been. 

I don’t know what that means. Other than the path I must choose is the one He leads me on – not the one I would choose for myself.

Close your eyes and feel His warmth; I see your smile in my mind and ignorantly try to send it through my own heart.

Tonight. Tomorrow. And as long as it continues to beat. 

Gnite, Jenn 🙂

Rest, good sir. Rest. After a lifetime upon the waves of trials and tribulations on earth, and a lifetime well lived.

I know nothing of you, your causes, your passions, or your loves. Only a single beautiful poem that spoke to my soul. Yet I can feel your weariness as surely as I can smell the salt in the air stirred up by your words.

It moves me. Me an author that never refers to myself in the first person in these thoughts because they are most often spoken to myself; but tonight is different.

As are the causes that are stirred by these beautiful words. Words that I may have cherished in a former life, but now do not describe me.

I have not yet lived a life worthy of rest. I have not yet accomplished anything I have set out to do with it. And the fanciful dreams of the younger dreamer I once was I discover each day more to be fantasy, as I grow in age and hopefully wisdom.

Nor one day do I wish to seek rest at the endless blue horizon of this world of mundanity and banality, floating an essay of spirituality and possibility. I want to go home.

But not before living a life worth being given the honor of rest. In causes far less grandiose then I had once imagined, what causes that were true nonetheless. But even the smallest cause that is true…is worthy.

Rest, good sir. You stand relieved.

***

Macanudos Up. Give honor where it is due. A simple and humble man you never knew, and yet who could have taught you much about humility and grace.  You’re pretty sure he had an easier time admitting to his flaws than you did. And yet that one tale of racism ending with him loving his first grandson instantly. Truly a story of amazing beauty.

Poetry is a wonderful expression of meaning. You’ve tried your hand at it along with two semesters and a brilliant professor, but find comfort in admitting that as with most artistic endeavors, your talents lie mostly in appreciation rather than creation.

You don’t know why you saved this poem while searching for ‘blog-worthy material’. It’s beautiful and romantic but it does not speak to your desires in anyway but one – a desire to have had a life well lived.

Which to you means… having had a purpose. Even if it means only making a single person that purpose.

You’ve known this was going to be a crossroads year for you since it’s inception. Turns out, yes! A crossroads year for you and 7 1/2 billion of God’s other children as well.

You pray all the time but it’s actually been a while since you had a discussion. Now’s a good time. You feel love in your new heart burning away negativity of stress. You’re dead tired and haven’t had meaningful sleep in about two days, but it’s time. 🙂

Lol maybe it’s the heavy eyes and giddy humor that are helping. 🤔

In a few hours you’ll rest for the evening and wake up with a busy Monday confronting you. That’ll be good for you. When you really stop and think about it you have lost so much of yourself recently, and deep down her felt it.

When was the last time you truly felt like yourself? The answer actually terrifies you. Lessons you learned you learned really hard, but as you look back at them the reason seems more and more… that while you did need to learn them… You may have damaged yourself in the process… and carried wounds for longer than you needed to.

Maybe…  oh wow… The addiction of seeing oneself as a Martyr for the cause of humility? Well there’s not much actually humble about that.

But if you have spent 15 years for the sake of wallowing in guilt to assuage it… that’s stupid. And yeah if you’re right that might be exactly what you have been doing for so long. Substituting one hidden ego trip for an advertised one.

And if that’s what you actually did that’s the best case scenario. 🤣

Dammit you love the past so much. Especially your own. You love acting like you’re wise. Believing it. And soon needing to believe it to maintain a world you may have constructed.

You need to be able to criticize yourself and that’s one thing you haven’t had a problem with. But could that itself feed your ego?

Vices and vulnerabilities don’t vanish; we duel them all our lives. And at this crossroads, you stand at the beginning of something you wish to be beautiful. And you stand in fear, needing it to be so because you have already wasted so much time.

Stop dwelling on the past. The lessons you have learned you had to learn. And each and every day you are in the midst of at least one more and don’t even realize it.

So take heart. A new beginning is approaching. Prefaced by some difficult times. Let the weary sailor rest. As you have rested for long enough.

Tomorrow morning is the youngest you’ll ever be. Let’s do it right. Let Him guide you, not your ego using guilt as a vehicle. 

So what path will you take tonight? Not Proverbs. Too practical. Psalms? Too poetic. Ezra. You won’t understand much. But you will grasp something, and that something will lead you to thought and the thought well let you to prayer.

Macanudo. Ezra. Holy Spirit. But hold the fire pit; just a bit too warm out. So…tiny fire. Citronella. 🙂



It’s a good night. Fill yourself with vibrance beneath a starry sky. And then close your eyes and Will the warmth to another spirit whom you love and cherish. You don’t know what that means. But you feel… she somehow will.

 

April 19… Lexington and Concord. April 20… Boston. Gage sat in Boston with a sympathetic, but iron fist. He ruled the city, but the countryside was held by angry colonists. Raised to handle a musket, but aside from groups like Artemas Ward’s 3rd Regiment who’d resigned en masse from the army to fight it, were all effectively militia. Nothing to scoff at considering they elected their own officers and had cut their teeth training for and repulsing Indian raids, but were green as grass when it came to actually going muzzle to muzzle with much more than that. Nevertheless, the colonists had been stirred up like angry hornets. Gage was sympathetic to the cause of liberty and while loyal to the crown, didn’t wish a repeat of the Boston Massacre. As the hornets in the Massachusetts hills buzzed in anger while royal order collapsed, he was given orders had to disarm the rebels and arrest their leaders, Samuel Adams and John Hancock.

Gage sent his redcoats out to Lexington on the 19th to remove the rebels’ stores of muskets, powders and shells, and as they neared, about 80 militiamen emerged, alerted by colonials of the British plans. The militia’s supplies had all been removed and hidden, and Adams and Hancock had left the area. Captain John Parker came out of Buckman Tavern with about 80 assembled militiamen and came to a parade ground formation.

Here we are. Here we stand. Armed. Defiant. No wish for violence, but no tolerance for tyranny… and outnumbered nearly six-to-one. Parker didn’t care. He literally paused his personal battle with tuberculosis to command these men, and thus, his voice was somewhat difficult to hear. But this was only a show of resolve, nothing more. Redcoats had marched out many times before to seize supplies, found nothing, and went back to Boston. This time, though, the order was given to the militia to lay down their arms. Parker ordered his men to disperse, but thanks to his mangled voice the order wasn’t properly heard. Someone, somewhere fired a shot, and the world changed.

Well, before it changed…the militiamen ran as the Regulars opened fire. Word spread like wildfire that blood had been spilled, and the British found nothing but empty caches instead of militia arms and powder. They continued on to Concord, but with as just as much luck. And then the world changed.

Scattered musket fire from all over the area began to echo forth as word spread and ordinary men grabbed their weapons, kissed their wives, and set out to defend their homes and liberty. Throughout the day, the retreating Redcoats were harassed by Minutemen coming out of the woodwork, knowing the terrain and ambushing and chasing them all the way back to the safety of Boston. The same Boston which was surrounded the next day by no less than 15,000 angry hornets who had had enough of the domineering Redcoats.

Massholes a thousand miles north beat y’all in the Holy City by literally one fucking day. And y’all’s idea was better, lolz…

Been about week you’ve been sitting on this one. No particular reason besides the little “X years ago today” thing doesn’t exactly jive with current moods, events, etc. Lots of things going on in your world, and virtually all of them involve…waiting on things you hate waiting on. Bill seems to be okay. In limbo until they can do internal stuff Monday. Your IRS check will be mailed May 1. Yay. That will help cover the $1266 cost for the ER vet to tell you his intestinal tract was thick but more evaluation is needed. DEW is holding things up because you tried being honest with them about your situation regarding employment and benefits. Mayo got the referral you’d asked Doc to send, but they didn’t send medical history, so hold on that until Monday too. Bright side it – you’ll have a busy day for once in a long time, lol.

Church service on YouTube this morning again. Very thankful you can make it and have even invited Flame to join you in watching live…though it helps when you wake up before 10:45 for the 10:30 service. You talk with her a lot, though true to form she’s far more fun than cerebral. Her words. Shared Locke and Key with her and she loved it; you knew she would. Mom & Dad had lunch with you at the picnic table in the park across the street, so you could be on opposite ends and not risk anyone getting the boogieman plague. Shrimp and Grits. Seems to be a slowly budding new tradition.

Celt is still away with her daughter being driven out of her mind. Finds a way to get bit by tragedy; her boyfriend’s daughter has been spending time with hers, but the former’s dog was killed by a car and she blames herself because she supposedly didn’t fix the fence right and the dog got out. Bad luck just seems to follow her; not good for a DIY enthusiast.

Things are slowly beginning to open back up here; with business owners trying to follow procedure to ensure shoppers can be as safe as possible. Masks, limitation of numbers allowed in at once, having people stay away from each other, etc., as makes sense for them to do because they’re going to get more customers if they make it safe for them to shop. Free market wins again. There is still an obvious hole in your life, but you can’t do anything about it but pray, and you constantly pray. You miss her too. Spent money you didn’t have on a Macanudo, as always in honor of Keith. Tonight will be a good night to talk to Management, walking around New Market Street, and maybe a firepit if it gets cool enough. The weather is pricelessly beautiful. Sky so blue…the dark blue kind of blue that makes it so magical. 

Thank God you live here. People help people here. Happiness and goodwill are the order of the day, not exceptions to the rule. Can get the wet kind of hot in June, July, and August but now that at least helps keep the virus at bay. People are responsible, and yet free. There’s always bad stuff out there, but the only ones miserable here seem to be the ones who are always miserable. But this isn’t the place for you to babble about politics. Cleanse your soul. You’ve let anger and anxiety fester from many sources, and you are no good to pay anything forward until you get the spiritual version of Vitamin D from the vibrance of the worlds He created like your body would collect from the sun.

Exercising is already discouraging, but the discouragement is on schedule. Best way to handle it is to dip into college fight song mode and treat it like it’s one of those bastards that wants to take your muskets or score a touchdown in your end zone; whichever spiritually pisses you off more, lolz…

Maybe that’s part of the key of finding the peace you strive for – acknowledging that side of you and channeling it to more constructive purposes. Dunno. Still figuring out the new heart. Thankful for it though. You still degenerated into a sniffling tear-filled Bro when Bill was in the vet ER for four hours, but didn’t ball like a 12 year old. Progress. Hopefully a little bit better officer material at least.

Put your faith in Him. In More. He knows what He’s doing. He loves you and everyone you love. And He wants you to succeed. So… thanks for every blessing. And double thanks for the cat.  🙂

1775 was a year of new beginnings being forged in what were well known to be the beginning of very hard times. Yours are nothing like theirs were in anything but spirit. You’re pretty sure they wouldn’t mind inspiring you though. 🙂

You’re doing it wrong, Bill. Maybe if it came in catnip flavor; freaking Nip addict. 😔

One hurdle down. Another hurdle next week. Thanks for the cat, Lord. 🙏🙏🙏



At the vet ER.  you’ve been worried about Bill for a while. Took him to the vet a month ago for vomiting almost daily, but blood work was negative. Shallow breathing today brought you to the vet who in turn referred you to an ER. A dear friend is a vet tech here; she’s the one that didn’t like vid you sent her of the shallow breathing.

Three hours in the parking lot since you’re not allowed in. From what it sounds like it’s either a minor inflammation or lymphoma. 

You don’t have children, and you know what they say; as soon as you have children you see pets differently. Wouldn’t change the tears of fear or worry, or magically give you an appetite.

Little guy literally trotted into your life and heart one night when you really, really happened to need a friend eight years ago, and you’re not shy on occasionally looking up to God and saying “And thanks for the cat.”

You’re not ready to lose him yet. Not now. Sure as anything not now.

Deep breath. Stay calm. Keep it together. 2020 can end now; this everything going to hell in a handbasket schtick is really getting old.

Bill is Falkor, not Artax. He’s your bro and he’s gonna be fine. 

Frustration is having chest pains in the morning because you keep falling asleep on the fucking recliner at weird hours during the day and night away from the damn mask. It doesn’t do any good to get a good nights sleep with a mask to try to repair the brain damage if you go into the living room and fall asleep again watching TV.

You don’t have much money left but apparently you need to spend it on five hour fucking energy, though God knows what that’s doing to your blood pressure.

You’re not used to this. You’re used to being young and careless. Please learn this lesson before you have to learn the hard way. That’s not something you’re good at. Find a way. You actually matter to some people. Fucking act like it.

You can’t be positive without occasionally keeping it real and being honest with yourself.

If you don’t want to be successful, tell yourself lies so you don’t have to take action.

If you do want to be successful, tell yourself the truth so you do.

Make it happen.