…get what you’ve always got.
Just how many people in your life cannot seem to grasp this?
How fucking hard is it to understand?
You’re one to talk alright, but to your credit for once, you have at least gone outside the box – and recently – to look at things from different perspectives, leave your comfort zone, and realize different paths you thought may have made you happy didn’t. Sometimes you know why; others you don’t.
Now here you are at the beginning of something new in your life, and you keep getting pinned down in frustration looking at others as they continue to repeat the same mistakes they have learned from time and time and time again.
Is there a comfort in an endless cycle frustration? Celt, Crow, Flame. Each one with their own kinds of cycles, unwilling to break free.
Maybe you’re so sensitive to them now because you’re trying to avoid falling into one of your own.
Either way… it’s self-sabotage; you see it plain as day. And it royally pisses you off.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is literally the definition of insanity. And the longer it goes, the more it angers you – within you and within others.
Understanding the realities of various situations and the long-term damage that people do to themselves when they stay trapped in the same endless cycles is a key part of finding one’s way through life.
The Celt is transfixed on her own idiosyncrasies to the point of mental paralysis. She boxed herself into parameters and comes up with more along with endless possibilities instead of determined focusing on what she wants at the moment. She says she can’t function when the house isn’t clean… after making a mess… and she fixates on that… rinse, lather, repeat… anything to avoid getting around her own engrained habits.
The Crow will not rid herself of her parasite. Yet another new plan where she’ll shoulder the burden. She read the book all the way up to the parts she needed to before stopping. Now physical violence against her is even in the picture and she still – *still* – refuses to purge herself of the Lizard and Tragedian in her life even though she is literally right back where she started three years ago. Only now with blood on her beautiful face too. There is no reason for her to give up, yet she constantly does in order to justify the cycle. Or ignore. Either way it’s painful.
The Flame is virtually a lost cause. She was so proud of herself because she drove a car the other day. She gives up constantly, and is only motivated when you talk to her and motivate her. She has no drive of her own to be independent in any tangible way, and abuses medication for her back pain to escape the frustrations she has in life. How do you square that? She wants you, badly, and she wants to see you , etc., but you know deep down or only interest in improvement comes from your expectations in what you want as a partner in life.
By herself she wouldn’t do much if given the choice. You made a mistake by fucking her. Yeah, it did you some good, but now she is of a different level mindset when it comes to you – and you don’t want that for her.
She’ll do just enough to try to impress you and make you feel like you could be together. Then degenerate into unhappiness because she’s treated like she doesn’t do anything – because she doesn’t.
Which brings us to you.
Your endless cycle is forming on cue – procrastination and anxiety and taking the steps needed to return to stability so you can be there for others – which as a non-parent is really the only meaning you have in life, at least for the moment.
That swirling vortex is right in front of you and it’s pulling you in. Thank God you have already fought it enough to know what you need to do. Re-orient your mindset to perceive this as an opportunity. Be gregarious in reaching out to others and learn what you want to do in life rather than take the opportunities that are tossed your way.
Realize where you’re vulnerable and go at it head-on.
Play to your strengths, and use them to tear down your comfort zones. You are beholden to no one. You have a lot of work to do and even more learning to do to truly embrace the path that you have always wanted to be on. You don’t even know what it is. Recognize the precarious opportunity for what it is, and challenge yourself.
Address your health concerns while you still have insurance. The folks are going to cover you like they always do, But that’s the mindset you’re trying to avoid.
If you’re truly suffering from MCI, find out about it now so you can incorporate dealing with it into your plans.
Don’t leave scary things hanging. You are a world champion procrastinator; admit it so you can address it.
The. Cycle. Must. End.
Well here you are again. It’s taking a week before you feel like really taking in and dealing with it. Good old wartime economy. The fear… well more like terror… of unemployment has still got to be play part of your subconscious but it hasn’t kicked in yet. How is it facing the thing that scares you more than anything else is something you honestly would prefer facing then if you were stuck in that cramped cubicle dealing with constant negativity towards the end at work? 
It’s Not a Frame of Mind 