No one really knows you. They really don’t. How could they?
Joy has filled your heart since your very first memories and at this point you’re too freaking stubborn to allow that to change.
Waiting.
Waiting for the RAVE. 😂
Somewhere in ATL there’s a woman who’s either gonna lose her heart or her balance keeping up with ya. 😂
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
John 14:17
If’s time, baby…
It’s the time of year for nerd Mardi Gras. Party like you were 25 again. Money was going to be tight, but the store passed algorithm threshold and pumping out money again justintyme… Thank goodness.
Taking Ted to the cattery means going far enough from the interstate that the fastest way is through Bamberg. Past Bee City, then many a corn field and solar farm. Scuppernong patches. Creel Indian community. Canadys. Smoaks. Denmark. Little towns like so many others in rural SC. In all your years you’ve never gone through this little corner of the state. Not that many people at all, but still somehow filled with the brightness of life. Huge pastures. Medium size houses next to them in large driveways with lots of cars. Just the low version of the small towns like the one dad‘s from in the upstate.
Then meeting new friends…
Reuniting with old friends…
So alive…
SOFA KIMG ALIVE… 😂
Sometimes ADD is just a strange companion. Who knows… maybe it was from a half-remembered dream…
Part of you hears this and subconsciously imagined it to be a part of some action movie…
You’re driving a giant 18-wheel truck as fast as it can go… Lol yeah… 😂
It’s on fire. Because of course it is.
Whatever is in the trailer is something you have to get away from those you love. Probably a bomb.
You’re on a long bridge all alone, perhaps the brige connecting Key West to Florida, or the Chesapeake bridge before the tunnel. Late afternoon. The sun setting on all you know in this life.
You’re on a road knowing you’re getting it away from those you love. You have 4 minutes. It takes 35 seconds to get this on the speakers.
Loud as it can go. Tinnitus is a problem for those who will still be around in 5 minutes.
You sing each voice. Well, do each each impression. You’re proudest of Orbison, because he doesn’t hit that high note he does in Pretty Woman and you can actually go with it.
No idea why. You’re a non-beta man in the West born in the 70’s, so casual fantasies of you saving the day like you were in an action movie are literally programmed into you from early on.
No beating yourself up. You’re not gonna feel bad for not having the guts to sacrifice yourself for something in your life. There hasn’t been that calling. Sure you have regrets for the past, but, as soon as you do…
Tapestry 😂
You like who you are. Sure, you could be better. Really wish you were – far more often than not.
But holy crap… you could be worse…
…in a thousand different ways.
Is that weird? Nah.
What’s weird was this song coming on the playlist in the car with a funeral friend (…as in one of you will be at the other’s one day…), he told you it made him think of driving a massive truck away from people on a long bridge to save them all from an explosion.
You smiled and agreed, saying nothing. He wouldn’t have believed you. 😂
Lolz… might have been in some movie a long time ago. Had to have been.
What does it mean? Jack squat nothing – Other than JR was a funeral friend. You have a bunch. Good people you’re blessed to know and care about….
Living well. Love. Fellowship. Goodness. Camaraderie. (Sigh) really cheesy dad jokes…
Well, it’s alright.
Even when push comes to shove.
Well, it’s alright.
If you’ve got someone to love.
Well, it’s alright.
Everything will work out fine.
Well, it’s alright.
We’re going to the end of the line.
This song… stuck in your head the day of Grandmama’s funeral… such a happy life. Joyous. You can’t imagine that woman without a smile on her face.
Why wouldn’t she be happy? She ate dirt in the Great Depression in the poverty-stricken rural South Carolina pastures and worked her ass off to be the first college grad of her family and spent a lifetime teaching future generations with a song in her heart.
Piece of shit alcoholic husband beat her until dad at 17 chased him out of the house. Son of a bitch remarried and roared the engine past her house with his new wife afterwards.
As if she prolly thought anything besides… “that poor woman…”
That one didn’t last either.
Sigh. Ask for forgiveness, Atreyu. “Honor thy father and thy mother”… yeah. That applies to him too. He died before you were born. How would you have interacted with him?
Well… you never would have. No matter what. No chance Dad would have brought you around him. If somehow he survived until you were over 18, how would you have you approached him?
Like a hero, that’s how. It’s all in your mind, so why not? Like the guy driving the tractor trailer over the bridge.
Fuck your demons, old man. Now get in – we’re saving our loved ones, and your literally broken schizo ass is being dragged into the light if we both have to have five shots of whiskey each. Turn into that angry son of a bitch all you want, see if it matters. 😂
You know who YOU are when the fruits of inhibition hits. Happy. Joyous. Prolly annoyingly giddy and loving this life because it’s the blessed life that He gave you, and you are forever grateful. It’s who you are when all is stripped away and there’s nothing but who you are deep down.
Which requires a bit of willpower because that’s not great for the liver. 😂
Nah. It’s alright.
Even if the sun don’t shine.
Well, it’s all right.
We’re going to the end of the line.
Probably not driving a big rig carrying a bomb.
But please, Lord…
Please…
If somehow that happens… let there be amazing sound and the right phone cable. 😂
Death needs to be LOUD!
At least loud enough to hear over your laughing.
Would be nice. At this rate, you’ll be dying alone, husk of who you might have been in a middle-class nursing home.…
…but laughing. 😂
Until the last moment. And then…
The song you (so far) wanted to hear as you died, as the last neurons in your brain processed the last sounds your ears hear in this life.
This world.
This Crib.
So come on all ya losers, ya bastards, ya cheats!
Vagrants and barflies down on the streets!
The path to salvation, to vindication awaits!
We’re marching on these Broadway streets tonight!
Here’s hoping by the time you leave this crib, you’ve leveled up, and deserve an actual hymn by getting closer to Him, as you always need to…
Pretty good place to start. 👊😂
*Lord, please be with all those I love and care about.*
*Give them confidence when they feel weak.*
*Give them strength when theirs fails.*
*Give them grace to stand back up when they fall.*
*Most of all… Give them Your Wisdom to find their way Home.*
*And please pick me up when I fall so I’m there that day too.*
Amen.🙏
Things picking up. Several areas. Doldrums are a pain. Don’t usually last long. The world always has ways of taking shots at us when there is long-term positive change on the horizon. Often we seem to let our fears dip into anxiety to help.
Hasn’t been an easy month, but the current churning slowly beneath the surface is still there. Walking an hour a day at the faster pace you go is definitely your jam, at least when a t-storm doesn’t hover off the coast at 3-5mph… for a week…
You’ve always walked fast. One of the contractors in Texas said he could tell you used to be a sprinter just because of the form. That was great. Finally found out the BPM you’ve always walked at…108.
Funny… there were a series of songs off an old college football VHS tape you’d gotten long ago you’d audiotape off the TV to listen to when you tan later on. Try to work on pace, both for cross country and track. One was just energetic. Perfect for half a mile. Another one was a more lighthearted sound that was literally the pace you walked normally, and actually still do. Wide stance walking with it when alone is just natural.
A bit goofy, but that’s par for course for sports music from back then.🤔
Eating loads of pineapple lately for snacks. Focusing more on trying non-processed foods. Two ingredients: pineapple, pineapple juice. No hydrogenated polydextromaltodextrinicsucrose, etc. Trying to burn cleaner. Feeling better at least.
Something always has to be off-kilter though, and sleep is back at the top of the menu. It’s been worse… but you just can’t off the top of your head remember when.
Mask is annoying as ever, and the mouth guards can be helpful, but when you wake up from discomfort, Morpheus is just ‘gawn’… Thoughts race. Boredom follows. Trying a new thing to nuke it soon. Hopefully that helps.
Lots coming up. Sadly no Texas gigs though. Could have gone one more week last time, but when the godson gets married and wants to meet for dinner while they’re honeymooning, that goes on the calendar, lolz. Wasn’t nearly as surreal as you’d thought it’d be. Turns out it ended up costing you a huge pile of money. Still worth it.
Within sight of closing out Isaiah, but you’ve had to start over, reread and even find a cliff notes style book to help. Not sure what’s next, and won’t until you’re done if things go the way they usually do. Romans might be on the plate, but you really are in more of a Peter mood than a Paul mood.
Ell hasn’t communicated in a while. Prolly for the best. Been thinking about tendencies lately. How it seems like you are the only man on the planet generally more attracted to women in their late 30s and up. That energetic girl in Texas was such fun to talk to. Too young for literally anything besides conversation, but that energy was just so different. After a while you realized someone like her would drive you nuts after a few weeks though. Extroverts, lolz…😂 It all seems like “choose your drama…”
Two hours of walking tonight. Just enjoying yourself. Life. Banter w crypto guys. Prayer, not enough though.
Snowsport has been its name for 35 years, and you just found out now; the old VHS vid is uploaded and you don’t have to keep going back to the timestamp anymore. 😂
Some Stargate SG-1 and relaxation tonight. Praying for good, solid sleep later. 🙏
Hope everyone is feeling better.🙂
Started raining Monday. Off and on. Storm was moving up the coast at 5 mph.
Not the first one; won’t be the last.
Yay.
Until some kid with a bunch of talent comes along and does.
Is what was old new again?
Nah. What’s good is just always good, no matter when…
The worst part of vacay is the first few days back. Dear friends invited you to join their family for their yearly beach trip. Georgia beaches aren’t bad, they just aren’t Folly. Good times though. Beach hotel. Good food, brought your own snacks though. Lots of cans of pineapples. Between just eating healthier snacks and walking an hour a day, you’re feeling better and better. Been a few years since you jumped in the ocean. Always more fun when you plan. Lolz colored the beard and shaved the back. Felt like you were 35 again.😂
Much as you like Ell, it’s not a good idea. Finding someone who shares the journey with the Holy Spirit is a requirement. Prolly good she can’t make Con this year in that regard. Still sucks, though.
The good vibes in the background while there… you could feel them though. Nothing but stress since the minute you got back though. Stuff tugging at you for you to fight early and often. Yeah, lots of frustration the last two days.
Then, YouTube hit you with a meme vid with a brief moment of playing a beyond cringe song that sounded so familiar… remix of a ridiculous song from the Roxbury Era, sped up. Instant cringe, but fast, cheerful songs… Good luck staying bummed.😂
Lol no deep meaning. No memorable lyrics. Just makes you smile. Whatever; you stopped caring what others thought long ago. Reminds you of V, and her love of Anna May.
ROFL gonna leave that AutoCorrect in. 😂
Almost done with Isaiah. Started over and re-read many chapters. Doesn’t help to read it if you aren’t absorbing it. Wondering what He’s got for you next. You’ll find out soon. Acts? Also thinking of reading something about/by Peter. Identify with him so much more than Paul (so far).
Once you told one of the pastors you’d always had that deep down fear of cowering if you ever faced something horrible, like Peter when he denied Christ. The pastor was reassuring. “Same here. Hope I never have to find out.” From what you remember though, Peter was forgiven and grew stronger. Like ‘Bull in a China shop’ stronger. How he died… wow… Based.
Then again, just listen. Just listen.
Something good is happening.
In your life. Something you can’t explain. But you feel it. Around you. Within you.
Are you healing? Growing? Is the immediate world surrounding you doing one of the two?
Is your life changing? Is anything changing?
What is it?
Real. It’s real.
That’s all you know.
But it is what you know.
Have you changed course?
Or have you found a current beneath the waves?
Many of innumerable questions that all have the same answer.
Follow it.
It’s Him. Details only matter if you can’t trust Him. You can. You do.
It wasn’t that long ago you realized that trying to shore up your weaknesses wasn’t enough.
The enemy always attacks. Not just where you’re weak, but also where you’re strong. Because you are never immune, and even the strongest part of a ship must be maintained.
It’s quiet. It’s of the Light. It echoes ever so slightly.
Follow it.
Follow Him.
Don’t try to overtake it. Answers are the last thing you need. Be grateful. Be trusting. Choose His purposes for your life.
Now, Sleep. Dream. Breathe. Feel. Know.
It’s Not a Frame of Mind 