Guardian Angels

Positive vibes are needed this week.

They’re around; you just have to look… 🙂

Chaos

I asked you for help. This is not what I was expecting.

You crushed my soul with the Crow, and added insult to injury over and over and over again. There’s no way in hell I’m actually going to be opening up to her anytime soon. Just wouldn’t do anyone any good.

You gave me someone to save in the form of my Crown, and you went and let her kill herself. Maybe because I didn’t fall in love with her, I didn’t go all-in trying to save her. Then again it seems that there has been a proven track record of me not being able to save jack shit for a very long time now.

I am really not taking her loss well. No one I’ve ever been with has died before. I still can’t believe she’s gone.

Now you present to me a chance for revenge on everything that caused me pain to begin with two decades ago.

The original piece of shit. The one that set the tone for everything that I have grown to despise as an erstwhile honorable gentleman.

The rat bastard I swore that I would forgive for me to enjoy that fairytale that I keep telling of how I graduated college.

And because I’m too lame to have a wife and kids on my own, double down on the one event that is the extent of my accomplishments in this world…

Yay.

So what would you have me do, Lord?

We both know I don’t hate him anymore. That was the price I had to pay for the gift I sought.

But then I learned – after so long – to truly hate again. An absolute piece of lying filth that the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever known simply refuses to discard even though he’s using her and slowly poisoning her life and she’s too fucking stupid to care… even when she knows better…

Is this why you’re punishing me? And now giving me the chance to take out monumental levels of frustrations on the jackass from 20 years ago that I had to forgive? I don’t need that temptation…

You and I both know exactly what’s going to come down the pipe with the Old Flame. Spoke with her on vid, heard her voice for the first time since that night I let go of her hand after holding it as long as I could on May 14 of 1999.

She’s miserable. Starving for intimacy. Had it not been for the mistake that I made with the Crow I would have a defense against her. Now I’m looking at not having much of a problem with certain thoughts and that concerns me. She isn’t happily married but she is still married with children.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. Probably something stupid. I just don’t care anymore. Honestly don’t have any desire to hurt anyone, but I still have plenty of frustrations to take out if I’m not careful.

I’m done. Just lead me through this period of life as fast as you can, and do what you can to help me make as few mistakes as I have to.

Too much is going on. I don’t even want to be in a relationship anymore. And I haven’t even fucking been in one.

No I’m not forgetting my infinite blessings. I’m just frustrated. This is the biggest hole in my life and it just never gets any damned better.

I’m Sorry

I wish I could have done more. You loved me. I wish the last time I heard your voice I didn’t say what I said. I wish I know you were in a better place. I’m sorry.

I wish you were still here to be upset with me.

I just wish so many things… so many things…

Serenity

So tired of the world spinning. Mind being thrown in so many different directions. Taking on too much with those you care about. Then having to worry about protecting yourself from your actions coming back to hurt you. So many things to keep track of. So much turbulence in this storm. Can’t even remember all the things you need to be thankful for. So much coming to the surface all at once. A week and a half without the stability of work to be able to focus on getting your feet on the ground.

Take a deep breath.

Another.

And another.

You have anxiety and fear across-the-board for so many and you’re not used to incorporating that away to be able to deal with the anxiety and fear in your own life.

Not until all the voices and all the sounds and all the music rages in your head all at once. Your eyes dart back-and-forth as you try to process it all.

It’s not that complicated but your mind deep down thinks it is. Your subconscious has always been a huge nemesis. You don’t understand the way it thinks and it doesn’t get how you think. You desperately desire to be simpler than you are, when the truth is anything but.

Complex processes, interpretations of various vested interests, interactions of different people with wildly different personalities, and you try to reign them all in with a mask of simplicity and caring you’ve tried to make your own self into.

No, that’s being too hard. You know exactly who you are; that’s not a problem. You’re just scrambled. Truth be told you and the subconscious aren’t usually at odds that much, so when you are, you do get scrambled easily.

You’re not used to not caring. This is uncharted territory. You don’t like being here which is why you came up with rule three. You’ll be fine in time, but only because rule three makes you put up walls before the damage becomes permanent. And you are really, really scared to take stock of the damage you’ve suffered lately – even to yourself.

You need to get back into alignment. That means going straight to Him. Truth be told right now you don’t feel that bright warmth in your heart. And honestly you could care less. You only prayed today because deep down you know that means you’re not well.

Fucking subconscious is closer to Him than you are. You have a plank in your eye. Take your time to get it out. You are no good to try to leap beyond yourself right now. Bottled up rage boils in your heart, slowly simmering to the surface.

No one needs to see that.

Trust in Him. Let Him guide you to peace. Understand where you are. Seek out Class. Grace. Humility. Wisdom. Peace.

And Serenity…

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;

taking, as Jesus did,

this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it;

trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to Your will;

so that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

…..and forgive my arrogance at feeling like my problems are anything but blessings compared to the problems so many others face in their lives….. 🙏