Two very dear friends having birthdays today. Both of them you’ve known since college. They’re great; lifelong friends. They’ve actually even met once or twice…
It’s raining shit on most everyone else you seem to care about though…
Lucky Donielle and Matt. 🙂
And you… you can be there for everyone else… and today that’s better than the alternative… 🤔
They just seem off.
Mood seems off.
Feelings seem off.
Wrong season to hike.
Wrong weekend to rest.
Wrong time to stagnate.
Church is being renovated; no desire to meet in a high school cafeteria.
Really could use His counsel though.
Feeling so distant from those I want to be close to.
Feeling too close to what I want to be distant from.
Miss her so much.
Have no right to.
Have to just shut up and hope.
Dislike shutting up; Hate having to hope.
Been missing Outside for a while. Didn’t go as much this spring.
Yosemite theme from Star Trek V mixes with sounds of rushing streams and cool breezes walking on solid boulders of Table Rock.
High is 90 with scattered thunderstorms Saturday. There goes that.
Folks want to help me paint inside my house. Please not now though. Need the weekend for peace.
Realignment.
Go back to acupuncture? Consider heading back to yoga? Those work over time.
Impatient.
You’re being impatient.
You have every right to be.
But there’s nothing there that will help you with that mindset now, is there?
Is there?
Good things come. Not on their own, but they come.
Mind doesn’t know what to do. So Soul is in charge for a while.
Great. Naivety replaces Fear.
You fear for her. Yet again.
Don’t know why. Yet again.
Deal with it. Soul’s in charge.
Creative endeavors are so often the most fruitful ones.
The skies are bright today.
But as yesterday proved that can change very quickly.
Thoughts are scattered all over.
Anxiety over something but not certain what.
Bill cuddled last night heavily. Only way he really knows how. Senses something from me. Just had vacation but I need another one so bad. Or just a change of scenery.
Warmth of the Seabreeze.
Wind in the hair.
Absolute freedom before me.
Just a pulled muscle in the soul; Nothing to worry about in the longrun. Would be wonderful to have the afternoon off though.
Just so wonderful.
Sometime soon.
Mind needs rest. Let the soul take a few shifts. It’s just a pulled muscle.
The mind really needs rest.

No it’s not just one night. 🤔 There are definitely some disconnects…. but oddly enough… while occasionally annoying they seem to define much about your interactions with each other.
As you slowly sail closer together, you see at least one potential disconnect on both sides… but each seems… like it might be part of what makes you appeal to each other. Well, a guy can hope, right? 😊
You just can’t read her. At least not at distance. I mean you understand general thoughts, definitely pick up on strong emotions, but you really do have difficulty looking past the obvious with her. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why you find her so mysterious. 🤔
But part of the problem with being the Crow is that to an outside observer, all manner of things are possible, and for someone kind of heart, this inevitably brings concern.
But… all things considered that’s…. maybe not a bad thing….
Honestly that kind of concern is something that has tormented you in the past. Being at home trying to stay distracted while someone you care about is out, in your mind at least not caring about the worry that you’re having for them.
She doesn’t know about the baggage regarding that and that’s for the best. Besides… the Man upstairs has a way of making you confront your pain to conquer it, so it doesn’t scar you in the future as it has in the past. So salute this old tormentor on the field of battle with the intent of vanquishing it.
The Crow knows your heart. So if you can’t read her you can take comfort in knowing that she can read you.
But therein lies the irony…..
It’s very possible she has her own shortcoming… as time goes on you’re really starting to think…
Maybe… she really doesn’t understand you. 🤔
Not just a good man in the way a good man believes and behaves. Her dad was a good man, so it’s not like she doesn’t have experience being around them.
But at the end of the day it doesn’t really seem like she truly understands much more than the simple things when it comes to you. (Good thing there’s not much more lol…) Sure she knows the obvious stuff, but… on many occasions her actions really did not bring forth responses she was expecting.
And she is wise enough to know that you’re not the kind of person that’s pushover at the end of the day no matter how strongly they feel for someone. You’ve told her of a few instances where you’d placed a Rubicon in front of her without telling her that she unexpectedly turned at the last second and unknowingly avoided crossing.
She really doesn’t understand the joy in your heart. She’s marveled at it more than once which deep down made you even more giddy truth be told. 🤣
Part of you feels like she is still shocked by the fact that you’re still around. Maybe she thinks you are a pushover… but… no, you don’t think so…
Oh there’s no doubt that anyone could be pushed away if they have a strong sense of self-respect like you in fact do… but it’s just unlikely that she would push you to that point given the sort of person she is.
Still it is interesting… 🤔
There’s no way she would believe that you still don’t consider yourself a “sure thing” for her given the vastness of your feelings for her. That while you wait for her… and make plain to her your intentions… she actually could still lose you.
And even if she did believe it, she probably would not believe how. One way would be for her to drop everything and come to you – though not something you’re worried about – because you actually are serious when you say she needs to heal.
Lol and to be honest, you don’t have a plan for that… 🤣
If and when she meets the folks she will likely understand you a lot more. But she really doesn’t understand at the end of the day what really makes you tick.
Maybe because you’re just from two different worlds. Maybe because the world has bent her into negativity so harshly, positivity as a default might seem alien.
Meh… hopefully that changes one day.
She’s both kicked you in the teeth and warmed your very soul many times – each without even meaning to, almost to the point where you’re used to it.
Maybe that’s why you have become more and more comfortable being unable to read her…
Or maybe you’re just as blind as ever, and she gets you in ways you could never comprehend. 🤔
Feel that heart beat, Atreyu. Didn’t used to be that strong. Not in decades and Not until her. This is one of those disconnects that makes things so irresistible to you. Hopefully in someway to her as well, but definitely to you.
She knows she put some fear into you tonight. She also knows that you want her to be happy and trust her in every way – but the one she asked you not to…
…Which ironically happened to be tonight. 🤣
You do have a tremendous fear deep down for her, but it’s not what she thinks. Well, probably not at least. You also have a fear about your own turbulence that has been regenerated.
There are other fears of course, but if you can steel yourself and cultivate that mutual trust… there will be nothing to fear.
Be True. Just Be True.
And seriously – calm down. You know she’s protective of you too. That means she gets you – even if she never really truly understands the how or why… she gets you. And that’s actually even better. 🙂
And in all of your hopes, dreams, fears, and loves… whether she realizes it or not… She’s helping you heal your wounds too.
ROFLMAO #HowHeRolls 🤣🤣🤣
Want to just show up, do a good job, earn a check, contribute to a positive work environment, and go home.
Alright, fine. You don’t want to play that game. Hate it. Want to be above it. Just so pointless. So old. So distracting. And there’s a reason it’s a chore instead of a fear to you…
Son of a……. 😒
They say to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Optics are so important in so many aspects of life. Not just to appear one way because it’s easy to appear to be something you’re not. Easy to get away with things if you have convinced others of something that isn’t true.
Same with relationships – even potential ones.
She said not to wait for her. So green light on partying through the ladies while she gets her ducks in a row, right?
🤣 Lol nope. She knows you won’t be that cruel to them. She knows she’s in your head, and you love her being there. She feels guilty asking you to wait, and she knows it’s safe to ask you not to.
What feeling could you possibly have with another woman without calling out the Crow’s name? The answer is nothing more than normal friendship would allow… and even that is subject to her approval… because you like it that way.
No games. No technicalities. Be True. So – how is the best way to be true? Finally for once you have an advantage. She has seen falseness and the Pain it brings.
The clouds of darkness that have isolated her and wounded her are a slow-moving cold front. For far too long she has felt they circled her, but in truth she has now finally begun to leave them behind.
Be like the powerful lighthouse beaming light through those clouds. There are still plenty of dark days ahead of her. And sometimes she might lose herself in the darkness trying to get out… and if that happens… shine harder… 🙂
She fears a part of him that is splintered into her mind that won’t leave her.
She says you’re “not him”. Concerns of a sexual nature in that regard as well.
But you know what? Hell no you aren’t him. And you’re proud of it.
He can’t grow. You can.
Oh sure he might be strong in the present in an area where you are weak. Just as you are strong in areas where he is weak.
But you will get stronger there… while he will never have what you already do.
And deep down she knows it.
You were meant for her.
Show her why.
Grow into her.
Show her the love a true man possesses.
Show her. 🙂
It’s so odd feeling the afterglow of bliss… while preparing to have your heart gutted.
You still can’t believe what happened. Still piecing together everything in your mind. Saturday night. Sunday night. And Monday. Feels like a dream.
For one brief afternoon, you got to be one with the Crow and… she was just as magnificent as you could have imagined. That beautiful face… you giving it pleasure… the moans feeding you and making you want more…
Honesty it almost felt like an out of body experience. You remember sex, but… this was…just…different. Fear and intimidation that’s defined the last 17 years changing places with confidence and the desire to please her – literally back and forth every second. You have to admit it was a bit overwhelming, especially under influences you just aren’t used to.
You desperately wish you could have given her more… and hope one day to. More. Stronger. Longer. The best. You need to be the best for her. And if she does honor you one day, you will. Damn you need more of that powerful woman… she has no idea what she is capable of making you into…
But sadly now, you also must face the world as it is.
There is no way things haven’t been changed now, and you have no idea how that change goes down. And no control.
It felt right – because it was *her*. She feels right. Though you could tell that concerned her somewhat.
You can’t help but hold fear in your heart for the rules you have – and the reasons why. You didn’t do what you said you would. Now you have to wait and see how things go down… powerlessly.
She’s in your head now though. Deeper. Anchored. Roots dug in deep. Your magnificent queen. And you fucking love it.
So…prepare… no… expect to get torched, but just hope and pray this time is different. 🙂
Until then… build stamina, rip the rowing machine to pieces and chow down on knowledge of dual citizenship. Show her. SHOW her…
That’s enough for now though.
You have many questions for her on the matter… but you’re just wise enough to let them come out on their own time.
For now though… you know what? Go ahead. Get your hopes up. This feels amazing. Don’t temper it with fearing the inevitable pain coming down the pipe; you’ll have enough then on your own.
For now… just bask in the bliss…
You have made love to the most magnificent woman on the face of God’s Green Earth…
It was just a mere, brief taste of her, and you will be grappling with God’s take on your actions, but…
It’s her.
It’s really her.
So… prepare for pain. Freaking idiot, you never do anything normal, do ya?🙄
Nah… normal is for those without Dreams… 😊
Many Words of Approval. 🙂🌷🌹
You had never been more scared of her. Intimidated. It’s one thing to see her beautiful bliss and turbulence in words on the 21st Century screen, and it is quite another to speak with her face-to-face on the same screen.
But the first time you saw her in person, it really put you in your place, dinnit? 🤣Crazy as it sounds, you actually benefited from him being there, so you could know at least feel on a higher branch than someone. Yes it’s callous to say, but the way of things.
Sure, she’s beautiful, but that wasn’t it. Your competitive side kicked in, and you were fine. Familiarity melted away much of the initial shock quickly.
The Crow is just… more… than what she might seem.
Took you a while to figure out what it was… she had a sense of appreciation…of respect for you…and you wanted to live up to it. She was excited to see you too – and admitted to being nervous as they drove up. (Damn that helped… 😌)
But there was more to it still. More to the Crow. More than even she perceives? Yup. No way around it.
Her home looms on yet another screen before you and you remember that feeling passing above Wynyard, Saskatchewan.
It’s….a throwback emotion these days. Lump in your throat in high school every time you spoke to Kelly Jacobs. Butterflies. And you had so forgotten how good they actually felt, for reasons that you will literally never, ever understand.
It’s nothing like it used to be… but in February, and…now… you feel that… “glow” inside (for lack of a better word). Heart beating slightly faster. Smile getting brighter. What once almost paralyzed you in nervousness maturity had thoroughly blunted, save for the memory of those butterflies.
That tells you something though – something you already knew about the Crow – but worth remembering regardless.
You see her in the same vein as Kelly Jacobs. Someone your mind chose (without consulting you…) as a transformational presence in your life.
You’re not 17 anymore, but damn if you haven’t felt like it on occasion. 🤣
Kelly tore you out of the cage of introversion you’d been put in by the likes of the car accident that shredded your face not two months into going to a new school knowing no friends. And she didn’t even notice. She eventually would, and you would eventually lose track of her and most everyone else from high school, but the memory of those first clashes with that side of yourself after so long being buried beneath introversion comes right to the forefront as each pixel brings you closer to Edmonton.
You really made an idiot out of yourself back then for her. I mean WOW… 🤣 But it was normal for a 17 year old kid – and – that’s what made it wonderful…
When your eyes see the Crow in just a few hours, you’re going to feel it again. Probably much shorter of a time. Maybe it won’t even be but for a brief moment. Raw emotions of youth eventually find balance, after all.
But…remember, and more importantly cherish that feeling and what you finally learned that it means – something you can’t even put into words…
Growth. Emergence from darker times. Comfort with reaching, while rejecting settling. A desire to prove yourself worthy. To equal the impressions you’ve built up.
And…to what end? Meh, don’t worry about it. Just know it’s a good one. And cherish that faint echo of butterflies you once used to know so well (and often). Makes you feel young again…like you haven’t wasted as much time….
The pilot announces 30 minutes to landing. Another deeper than normal breath. Just a shadow of the feeling that once was… but True.
Damn you can’t wait to see her… 😊
No matter what becomes of that chance encounter on yet another screen five years ago… she’s dragging you into a new chapter of your life just as Kelly once did.
One you’d thought was dead and buried, now a Phoenix from the ashes. The Muse sings once more. That song of inspiration, fear, joy, then eventually courage… and ultimately… the dynamism you once knew.
You just really wish you’d gotten more sleep… 🤣🤣🤣
It’s Not a Frame of Mind 