Sending it tomorrow since you get paid tonight. She needs it. Money is tight but costs at at least are a little more fixed with the meals instead of grocery.

Not a drop of alcohol in nearly 3 weeks. A month? Can’t remember when you decided to make sure you didn’t have a problem. Now it’s just calories to avoid.

Motivation is nothing without discipline. A lot of aspects of your life need to have the screws tightened. Jumping headlong into challenges at work but it’s always contingent on whether or not you got a good nights sleep… which is beyond hit or miss.

Trying to improve yourself; fighting your tendencies as best you can. Driving in more at work, but it’s hard sometimes. Forcing yourself to go to church. Awkward. It’s been so long you don’t really know any people there. Fitness and nutrition might be the easiest time you’re having… And there you’re impatience is already in play.

The folks went to Hilton Head and you could tell they really wanted you to join them. The entire time you would have wished she had been there to share it with though so, you stayed home.

Words cannot express your disgust at this point with being the third wheel after you had finally felt complete. Can’t help but feel like it was stolen from you. Both of you. Because it was. If she could only feel your thoughts. There would never be anything to argue about. When you held her hand to your chest and it seemed like she could. She knew you. And still….

You wonder what she thinks about you. If she thinks about you. She seems upset with you, but in a really different way. It makes at least trying to meet someone new easier for you, but you know who you were meant to be with. No matter what instability made you question along the way, you knew it with every fiber of your being. Still do. No wonder you’re having difficulty processing everything. There’s literally no way it makes sense to you. None.

Flame’s gone. You’d made it clear at Malleable that night that you were burning her, but Crow didn’t care. And that was fine because that’s what commitment meant. Leaving behind those who bothered the one you cared about. Put out an apology, but blocked everywhere and no mutuals; just like you knew it would be. Celt offered to reach out, but you said no. You’re fine keeping her at arms length too.

Good news is that’s for the best. Most of that was a huge mistake; you’d spent so much time with Flame on vid chat watching Netflix and YouTube; you became a huge part of her life. Made her laugh, cheered her up. Just hate people leaving your life upset with you. But, that will be the end of that story.

You feel more alone than ever. Trying as hard as you can not be bitter. You’ve not had to struggle with that in a long time. But the answer is always there. Pray. Smile. Laugh. Be grateful. Work on yourself.

Trust in Him. Force yourself to go to Sunday school and church. Keep going to the classes with older couples. All you want to do is find a single woman your age you could be with, but no – keep seeking the Wisdom of those you look up to. That’s what you need right now.

Force yourself to do this meal plan and Gym. Keep goals reasonable. Meet them and then see if you can do more. Find something to do on Saturdays. If you need to cry, that’s what Friday nights are for.

Outside of God as the priority, might just try to make your life revolve around work for a while. Start tearing it up there. Start making tons of money again. Then get a crazy hobby like sailing or paramotoring.

Now try to get some sleep. You’re still on an emotional roller coaster and you will be for a little while. Just get some sleep.

Pray that both of you actually learn whatever God is trying to teach you.

That is literally the most important thing in the world right now.

Translation by https://lyricstranslate.com/en/toll-dubh-dungeon.html Original Gaelic: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/runrig-toll-dubh-lyrics.html

Behind the locked door, there’ll be no sun

For feasting

There’ll be no food or wine

Behind the locked door, there’ll be no sun

There’ll be no food or wine

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

We, Gaels in bed

We, Gaels in sleep

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

He came from England

He came

On speeding horses and with a heavy key

He came from England

On speeding horses and with a heavy key

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

We, Gaels in bed

We, Gaels in sleep

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

Deep down in the dungeon, there’ll be no sun

* * *

Insomnia. Such an invigorating day, beginning with an actual good night sleep, going in early to work and put out fire after fire… ending at the gym ahead of schedule there too.

Insomnia will slow you down. Sleep is so unpredictable now. Tomorrow will be rough again.

Have Faith. The Holy Spirit leads when you are willing to follow. Keep taking charge and walk the path He has set before you. Discouragement at inconveniences need not sidetrack you. Arise, and meet the challenges of the day.

Arise and fight on. Lethargy doesn’t become ye. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Early to work. Already have first batch of stuff done. Start small, but start churning. 🌊🐬🦁

The PT wellness appointments are almost over. Simply cost too much to continue more than one or two additional sessions. But focusing on overall wellness plan might just be worth it – this time.

Yeah, you say that every time. Different strategy this time though. Well it’s always a different strategy. Just trying the same thing over and over doesn’t work.

Going against conventional wisdom this time – trying to take your own advice. Was PT guy’s idea. Be easy-going with low expectations. The inverse of every idea you’ve tried so far.

Cheap gym on the way home. 45 minutes max. 10 bucks a month. With your slightly later schedule Limiting it to 45 minutes could put you home by 6:30pm. Light exercises that you were shown, no difficulty over “7 out of 10”. Deadlifts. Bench presses. Three sets of eight. Just do enough to feel some thing and take it easy. 20-25 minutes of cardio. treadmill. cycling. And the good old rowing machine you used to love getting on.

No massive ambitious gym plan, no spending money you don’t have. Make it easy. 3 days a week. It’s on the way home. Pack clothes in a bag ahead of time so they’re already in the car. Traffic won’t be bad.

Build. Positive. Healthy. Habits.

At night you don’t have the mental energy for cooking on your own. Don’t get ambitious. PT guy uses healthy local meal delivery service. 12 meals a week. Cooked. Delivered. Easy for when you don’t have any interest in taking the time to make something at night.

The first ones arrived today. Portions are probably going to be too small. Supplement when needed with salads Crow introduced you to. Watch the dressing.

They aren’t cheap, but these days compared to what you would spend for 12 meals at the grocery, it’s almost even money.

You hit the gym twice last week. Would have been more if you had worn better socks and not blistered your feet, but it’s fine. The real work starts tomorrow.

Scale is in front of the fridge. Record number each morning. Just take a picture. Monday Wednesday Friday 45 minutes on the way home. Delivery meals seem pretty good. Can up the amount to more if they keep working out so you can just nuke lunches.

That actually might just be the way to go. They’re actually pretty good. And a big enough variety might make it a decent long-term prospect.

The key is not to put too much pressure on yourself. So much is mental. Mondays will be the hardest for obvious Monday reasons. Fridays will be the easiest for obvious Friday night reasons.

The easier it is to eat healthy and exercise, the more likely you’ll stick with it. You don’t need to have a major paradigm shift in the way you eat like keto, and don’t need to plan on being at the gym until 8 o’clock every other night. 

Crazy as it sounds it might work. Only one way to find out. You’re just tired of it. And now you have more motivation than you have ever had. But as with all things, motivation is temporary. Meaningless in the long run. Discipline is what matters.

You know you will be tested. You’re going to get into a groove. And then you’re going to get sick. And you’re going to skip a day. You’ll get back in and then there will be a meeting or something. The rhythm will be disrupted. One thing or another will happen.

If it happens this time? No worries, just go tomorrow instead. and if tomorrow is a Knogo and if tomorrow is a no go? No worries, just go the next day. No pressure.

Just go when it’s convenient. It’s not that big a deal. It’s nothing you need to build up in your mind is something you need to worry about spending hours at the gym with a lot of physical effort an activity – it’s just 45 minutes. On the way home. And you’ve got food at the house ready to just reheat in 10 minutes. 

It’s the exact opposite of the way you operate RE: health. It just might work.

Church is a different story. First Sunday school back downtown. Sanctuary open and the new buildings will be ready to go soon.

Something is off though. You really don’t know that many people, and the vibes you get seem… foreign. Your weekend sleeping being terrible probably has something to do with it. The fact that you don’t really know that many people but enough people know your name when you have forgotten theirs makes everything awkward.

you’re going to the class led by the guy that lead your last Sunday school class; it was a suggestion but you honestly don’t remember how you ended up there. Nowadays almost everyone there is older than you and a married couple. Your first thought is maybe you need to find a group more your age, like the singles group you used to be in.

Somehow you instantly know this is not a good idea and you just need to be there and absorb wisdom. Where you are in your life right now you need to steer clear of relationships. The second you get around anyone you might have the potential to ask out, that will be your mental priority and it is really really not time for that. Fight the tendency. Learn. Absorb. Listen to older and wiser people. Marinate yourself in the world of happy and successful people.

No one there needs to listen to your “wisdom” right now. That is an insecurity and it’s okay – so long as you admit it. 

Be humble. Smile. Keep quiet. Listen. As soon as you become a trusted regular again, The foreignness will improve.

Don’t rush in. Relax. Set basic standards. Approach the goals you wish to accomplish. Be reasonable. Don’t even worry about losing weight or gaining true wisdom yet.

Just do the work. Be conscientious. Make it easy to do. Use guardrails and accountability to hedge against regression.

No alcohol for two weeks now. Nearly 2 weeks? Whatever – you’re not counting. you’re really not concerned and are absolutely certain you don’t have a problem.

And the easiest way to prove it is to do so. You are conscientious enough to recognize the situation for what it is. Going dry for a while was your idea. Don’t make it a big deal. Wait until you are satisfied and just take it easy. Then again those are a lot of empty calories.

And now you’re just rambling. Go to sleep. Put the mask on first. Really big week incoming. Folks are at beautiful Hilton head Island. Spending lots of money, thank God. 😂

You don’t feel much direction right now. The wind is not on your sails. But you trust the current. The Holy Spirit will lead you. 

Get some sleep. tomorrow, you begin to make things happen.🙂

Giving up alcohol for a while was a good decision.

It’s almost been a week and it concerns you how difficult it’s been. This will need monitoring.

Healing is not easy.

Rule III.

Stand Firm.

Will miss your posts. Care so much about you and always will. If you decide to start another account in the future, I’d like to follow your thoughts once more.

Otherwise, as always, be well – and know you are loved – just so loved – far more truly than this world could ever reveal. 🕊🙏🐬

Cooldown. You can do better. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays will be good times to. They only have two rowing machines; that will be next. One day at a time. Lots of pain and anger. Lots of concern watching the folks unable to lift as much. New local healthy meals begin next week. You won’t be able to afford both them and groceries, so that will help w portion sizes. Doing things right. You don’t know what else to do. You might never be able to go back to Folly though. Will hurt too much. It’ll be alright one day. He’s with you.

Finally a breakthrough. Your first good night’s sleep. And just like that, so much snaps back into gear. Kicked ass at work today nailing two projects and enough time to spare to get 50 books in. Sales have jumped and major gains were made by the team in Miami. After lunch, the music got upbeat.

You remember this as the earliest song you remember calling “your favorite”. At age 6 in 1983, you loved the fast pace and upbeat tone. It was easy to impress you back then. Can still remember being excited to hear it on the radio being excited to hear it on the radio when you went with mom to the other side of town and Columbia Mall, where all the fun stuff was.

For some reason you thought it was sung by Air Supply; back then there were actually one hit wonders because music hadn’t been completely eaten by corporations.

You had it on 45 for the Fisher Price record player. It and “Axel F” were your first records. You’ve always loved it, all through the 80s and the 90s even in that period of time no one’s supposed to like the music of 10-15 years before.

Just sounds like your childhood. Reminds you so much of that time.

You always liked the lyrics, but never actually paid too much attention to them. So when it came up in a random YouTube playlist, whatevs. But for the first time you realized there were two characters in them. So you listened to each line. Wow. Both characters. Not just now, but even right now *today*. In perfectly imperfect symbolism.

The Holy Spirit. It’s how He rolls. Often through music. “Coincidence” that isn’t. And now you reel on a loose roller coaster and wonder what direction your life would take…

It’s the same direction it was in 1983 nearly 40 years ago – Growing, Learning, Listening. And He’s had your back the entire time. Maybe it’s because you try to grow, learn, and listen.🤔

God knows you’re in the best place on earth for it. 🙏🕊🐬

Have tried to stop cursing altogether. Had to give something up, and looks like it’s not drinking. Least not now.

It’s still so hard. I was in the relationship a lot longer. Years. Was also single for most of my life. Not wanting to waste my time with just anyone. Not gathering baggage to burden you with. Waited for you. Was like I could sense I’d be with you one day. Kept the bookstore for you. Told you all along it would be great for you low stress etc. Felt called to. The woman I could truly love with everything I was, am, and will be. Even when in frustration I tried to be with someone else, I could feel God pulling me back to you, and punish me with chaos and disillusionment. I knew you were coming. Just not when. Was so excited for so long.

In my mind I could hear the wind and the waves. On a beach to Vangelis’ ‘Hymne’ played by harp. With you walking down a sandy aisle with a bouquet of various pink flowers you hand picked yourself and the most loving smile I could ever imagine. Could never see how many people were there. Because you would have decided that, and I couldn’t take my eyes off you if my life depended on it.

The more time passes, the more pathetic it all seems…