More faith in herself; less narcissism (her words). 🙂

The hardest thing some people can do is find the humility to come to God in true humility and grace and admit “I keep doing things my way and I keep running into walls.”

It was that way for you in 2006 to 2008 when the arrogance you had finally caught up to you. Stupid financial decisions meant you lost The ability to have an apartment because of racked up credit card debt and minimum payment increases that happen when Republicans try to use government to “help”.

You put mortgage on the card. Don’t beat yourself up it’s funny in retrospect; enough time has passed. You mutually left the old post college workhorse job at the fun park because you went up against the GM with a bunch of attitude and the owner had to make a call. Any owner worth their salt is going to go with the GM because if they don’t, it’s bad for the company. The GM got fired a month later but that didn’t really help. Your arrogance and attitude burned that bridge and it was off to the job search for really the first time.

And why on earth weren’t companies calling you? 1000 bucks a month apartment to live downtown Charleston Working retainer at the family business 10 days a month. Holier than thou attitude towards some of your friends because you were such a good person and sometimes they do something you would disapprove of – IE: relationship drama in your collective early 20s, etc.

You were begging for a kick in the teeth. You see you were a better person than anyone else because of what you had gone through in getting your degree. In taking responsibility for your choices paying half the cost of an abortion. All manner of things. Seriously God was on your side, wasn’t He? So what gives? You were one of the good guys – what kind of jackass wouldn’t help you? You were entitled to success, and the economy was booming.

And then the bottom fell out. You couldn’t afford an apartment with the credit card monthly minimum skyrocketing $300/month.

You saw the dolphins early the morning you had to leave at Waterfront Park for the first time in a moment of abject defeat, that in retrospect was one of the best things that ever happened to you.

Moving in to the folks place in Lexington with your tail between your legs at age 29 was not how things were supposed to go after the magical momentum that you had when God showed you the way to get that diploma you were so keen on. You made returning to Charleston your goal; what you wanted more than anything because that meant you would win.

And winning was what mattered, right? You worked hard fought and one to get the degree; over a lot of odds and a lot of doubt in the mind of someone you were trying to prove wrong. That’s obviously how things worked. Overcome adversity. Mentally overcoming your Gargamel. Getting what you wanted and feeling amazing afterwards.

It took you two years to finally figure out that’s not what the lesson was. Two years living on the folks’ couch desperate to keep up with the interest payments on the debt you racked up. Things felt like they were coming to a head when you finally accepted dad’s help and he introduced you to a friend of his to help give you an idea what kind of career path might you might set out on if you moved towards working at a government agency.

Talking to this guy who was actually a real deal guy like Dad was was like drinking from a fire hose. He asked basic questions that you had never even considered, and thank goodness he was trying to be helpful because if he wanted to be condescending he would’ve embarrassed the crap out of you and ways you never would’ve lived down. Even to this day you wonder how bad you embarrassed Dad being that unprepared for an actual adult conversation about your career given how arrogant you’d become.

That was the night you sat down with the folks and told them about grandchild. The tears wouldn’t stop. The realization wouldn’t stop. You were a lie. All of that pride. All of that arrogance. All of that confusion over why you couldn’t get your career started. It all flooded out of you and you could hardly keep the air in your lungs.

You felt the insecurity that had been there all along explode to the surface. Your shaken faith in yourself at the relief you didn’t have to fight over a child with Ire and the hypocrisy behind it laid bare. They sat patiently and listened. To this day you don’t know how. You hadn’t exactly shared it with anyone. it’s one thing for your subconscious to register chain it’s one thing for your subconscious to register shame. It’s quite another to let two people Who had the worlds of faith in you know just how bad you had let them down.

The Holy Spirit was in the room too, and the warmth seemed almost instant. You’d forgotten that it was Grace that gave you what you needed to earn the success that you earn. Trusting in Him, letting Him guide you while you did the work. And your arrogance had only remembered the work.

That night of tears wasn’t “the night” you finally learned your lesson; it was a journey that lasted 2 1/2 years. In some ways, it didn’t end until four years after that when you finally started going back to church. And in other ways.., you have to admit you’re probably still on it.

But you remember that night was the night you finally began to come to terms with the lesson God needed to teach you. You worked longer for the galleries and not long after a friend of a friend needed a roommate in Charleston. And even then it would be nearly A year of unemployment and frustration while selling your possessions to pay rent before you finally landed a low-end job at the height of a 2008 recession.

Since then you’ve wondered if you learned the lesson too well. You wonder sometimes if you’re too passive; too non-confrontational; too likely to withdraw into yourself and away from the world when you feel in over your head.

But that’s the journey you’re on today; and you had to learn some hard lessons to get here. And you navigate through it as best you can trying to let the Holy Spirit lead you.

And now… you have that foundation of positivity that will not be taken from you. You have headaches and fears, but you are blessed. Not just with loving and caring folks that are a safety net if you screw up, But you have that light inside you having learn from the mistakes you made. That light of letting God lead you – even if sometimes you get lost along the way, you find your way back because you know He is the one that knows the way.

He has led you to great opportunities in your career that you took on yourself. He has led you to make decisions to help others and share the blessings that He’s given you. Sometimes the others choose to be the better for it and sometimes not. Heck, sometimes you do the same.

There’s only one thing you know for sure. You needed to learn a lesson, and you did. Oh sure, at some point you would have managed to find a place just to get out and gone on to choose the path of least resistance and found mediocrity on your own instead of the blessings He had in store for you. But when it counted, you let Him guide you. And yeah you still had difficult times… but while that light was inside you, you had the strength to persevere and come out the side a better man.

Just don’t let it go to your head like it did last time. Lessons learned. 🙂

* * *

Sweetie… your journey down that path is a lot harder than mine was. It’s taking place when you’re older, having gone through more negative experiences, and have far deeper depths to struggle with given the negativity, narcissism, and alcoholism that keep sabotaging you.

It’s not karma. Everyone’s immediate situation in life is ultimately the result of the decisions that they have made. Yours have led you to where you are now. If you don’t make changes in your life, sure you might get back to where you want to be, but you will have done so without learning lessons you desperately need to learn.

If you keep that part of yourself that you desperately must leave behind, it will sabotage you again and again no matter where you are. What led you to make the decisions you made in relationships, in inviting negativity in and accepting it as “okay” And believing you were unable to actually be happy…

…will end up killing you one day.

You already have two hospital bouts to know this to be true.

Even if you did move on from Shaun without learning the lesson you need to learn, you will just leap straight back into another cage built out of the same things that have brought you from one bad situation to the next.

I don’t understand the degree of self destruction that you struggle with. It’s far worse than the arrogance I had to overcome.

But even though your enemy is so much stronger than mine was… I do know that enemy.

And I’m going to tell you something you’re not going to want to hear.

If you ever want your life to be better… if you ever want to get a break from what you call “the universe” constantly kicking you when you’re down…

There is only one answer. Ask Jesus into your heart. Admit that you’re broken and flawed just like I was and am, and ask Him to lead you going forward.

You have your hang ups. I get that. But you have seen my parents. Spent time with them. Lived with me. And you don’t understand the spark of positivity and light we carry. To you it’s naïveté. Doesn’t make any sense. But I know with every fiber of my being how real it is, and have just enough experience with what you’re having to do battle with to know there is no other way – Unless you are content with your “karma” as things stand now. Because you and I both know nothings going to change.

It’s why you don’t think you’re good for me; that you would bring me down because you accept that you are just negative.

I’m not telling you this for my benefit. I’m telling you this because I care about you. And I am being 100% blatantly honest with you, especially having seen firsthand now what you struggle with and how it manifests.

With whatever time you have left in this life, you will continue down the path that you have chosen time and time again.

“As I see fit.” “As is my right.” “In my own way.” – Words you have said so many times.

This is why you are so unhappy. I once tried to be the arbiter of my own happiness also. I failed. Not because I uniquely made bad decisions – but because I based my happiness on myself and my desires. I made everything about me. My career. My relationships. My success. My pride.

You have tried so many times to do things your way. It’s never worked. Meanwhile you have fought tooth and nail the idea of inviting God into your life in the way that have your father the light he carried with him.

I am endlessly thankful you’ve taking the opportunity to dip your toe in the water with me and my church and going to your old church in Albion. And I know you don’t have enough answers to feel justified in making the plunge.

But there’s not a lot of things I can say with absolute certainty that I know – know – with every fiber of my being.

Jesus is the way, sweetie. And it ought to be obvious because of how difficult that leap would be for you… that’s the path if you ever want to free yourself from the mercy of “karma”.

Time Squared. The cycle must end.

I love you. Your happiness means more to me than your love for me. I’ve never prayed for us to end up together. I’ve prayed for you to find Home more often than I can count.

Jesus is the way Home, Sweetie.

Sleep well. 🌷

Now

I would have made a terrible farmer. I have no home here. I live by the sea. Near the mountains. Near the city. Near the countryside. Near wealth. Near poverty. Where all aspects of life converge; not too much of any one kind or place. I visit all of these places and more in this world my five earthly senses tell me is “real”. But there is so much beauty outside of this Cage. All Cages. Freedom of the body, the mind, the spirit. More beauty than there is in anyplace else in this temporary world that both has meaning and yet…doesn’t matter. There is so much more. You can hear it in the strings of the violin, rhyming with the muscles pulling the bow across it. The fingers pressing the piano keys. Behind the music, the musician’s thoughts, hopes and dreams are on full display as they speak to the soul through the music. Which in turn echoes the composer’s emotions and inspirations behind the chords that are so much more than the printed notes on a page or a sound pitch vibrating three bones in each ear. What’s more tragic… not feeling that there is so much more than this temporal world… or knowing and letting the temporal world beat one down so they don’t care? God made evolved apes smart enough to keep going on their own… if they choose to. The cry of the violin mirrors the tears in the lives of the violinist and the composer. I would rather be deaf than not able to hear meaning. I would rather be blind than only able to see the world as it is, and not the spiritual beauty surrounding it. I would rather be dead than live without meaning. This world is a Crib. A Cage. If we can see more and embrace more in the way we were truly meant to, we choose to be truly free. There is no other freedom. On our own we simply don’t know where to go. We need a guide with Wisdom, Strength, Grace, Truth, and most of all… Love.

“So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:13‬

I got the best sleep of my entire life with you by my side. Night after night. Only a stuffed nose could get in the way. I loved it when you wanted me to hold you. I would start getting tired at 10 because my body needed yours. Even if it was just to lay with your back to me. Your warmth. Your scent. Your hands holding mine. I was so happy.

They’re Roller Coasters.

So pissed off today.

It’s a warm 70ish degrees with azure skies uncluttered during the day. You want to even work outside and feel the cool breeze in your hair. At night it’s in the 50s, with those winds chilling just enough to justify a fire at night.

The Holy City in springtime. Beautiful day after beautiful day. Flowers. Trees. Wind. Birds. Sunshine. Bliss. Joy. Rebirth. What you’d been as excited as a wet dog for her to finally see. And she’s missing it.

She’s missing it all.

And you just don’t understand why.

Now she just texted. Upset about a hiring background check. It’ll work out. Might not even show up. People here don’t care about pettiness like they do in that cage. Even if it doesn’t, somewhere else will. She worries too much. It’s one of the reasons you were good for each other. You have faith in her ability; couldn’t walk where you’ve walked otherwise. She needs to have more faith in herself. Less narcissism (her words)… and More faith.

You aren’t pissed at her. You are, but you aren’t. If you were pissed at her… you wouldn’t care what she was missing.

But that’s why you’re pissed.

She’s missing it. She’s missing so much. And you can’t do anything about it.

Lord, please lead her. Give her Your Grace and Your wisdom. Guide her and help her find Home. Supposedly Four crows says she knows she’s on a spiritual journey. Help her experience the warm, positive changes she needs to make. And they begin with her taking steps to address what’s wrong in her life.

If she’s going to miss so much… please just make it worth it.

Just… wish she was here…

Gonna wait till later tonight to post. Reasons…

Need to get your mind elsewhere…

You keep reading this.

https://cowboyprinzessin.wordpress.com/2022/03/17/golden-hour/

It still hurts. You love each other. Both of you have anger and are still trying to move forward.

And she was right. As long as you are both alive, anything is possible.

You saved the post. Every word. Screenshot by screenshot. Just in case she takes it down one day.

She’s also right that you’re not right for each other now. If you both grow, that might one day change. But growth is key.

You still want to beg her to come back. But you don’t beg. Even if it would work.

Just as you were in the snow in Michigan, she was with you all across your present here and now. Home. Work. The neighborhood. Downtown. Bee City.

You know what it feels like to be down for the count and make returning to the place you built as your own the focus of your energy. Seeing it as a goal to strive for. To accomplish. When you were in exile you had to return to Charleston humbly. Rooming with a friend of a friend. Selling possessions for rent. Working as often as you could to afford rent and a storage room. It taught you so much.

It was an arduous process in a terrible economy before landing that first job. You hope she learns as positive a set of lessons as you did.

You still want to be with her. One day. Somehow. Still love her smile. Making her laugh. Coming home to her while she watched Bill & Ted await your 5:30 return.

You still want to (as much as you can) give her a world without stress. Build her a flower shop if she wants one. No worries about mortgages, coworkers, anything. You want to give her what Dad gave Mom.

It’s not likely. Chances are when she crosses that border, she’s never coming back. And though one day you’d be free to cross it to be with her, it’s clear (least for now) that she loves that place more than she loves you, while the reverse is not true. That’s… a problem. Love doesn’t work if it’s that unequally felt.

You can lament the fact you didn’t get to show her X, Y, or Z. You can try to remind her she never had the chance to let underlying stress of all those bills leave her life. That she never got the chance to experience with you what you knew she would had she been able to drop 80% of her stress level.

Realistically that couldn’t have happened, in retrospect, and the whole thing was doomed from the start. That means… it’s not your fault. Any blowup avoided would have only prolonged the inevitable.

Makes it easier. But not by much.

You still feel her in every room in your home. And you always will. Pray she learns lessons for her own sake, not yours. And that you continue to grow.

That glimmer of hope is painful sometimes. But the reason is because you committed to her with every part of your mind, body, and spirit.

Today’s verse of the day pops up.

True as always.

You will never not miss her.

Please, Lord let good keep coming from this. May she laugh and smile. May she lose the stresses and anger underlying her a little more each day.

She will always be sacred. May Your will be for her to feel the wind and Sun as you’ve let me feel. Lead her Home.

67 degrees. Windy. Not a cloud in the sky.

Holy City springtime.

Nice just walking. Getting toothpaste is a good excuse.

Breathe deeply. Feel the peace. Light supper out with salad for later. Bald peanuts on the way home.

Food Lion is packed, so it’s Dollar Store Crest on the way back.

Picked up around the house today. It needed it. Still needs more; will be good for you this weekend. Need to get dry food for Bill & Ted, which means they’re happy having wet food for now.

Friends want to spend time. Ashley and Kenneth asking when you’re doing Table Rock again. Jimmy and Matt wanting to game more often. Jared wanting to come down and visit home.

Folks are doing well. Dad’s excited to go booking again. Glad they’re wanting to stay active and you can help. Monday dinner might just begin being a thing again. That’d be good.

Job going well. Going to change your hours to 9:30-6 so you can have less traffic, get more done, and be more consistent.

Zoom meeting for work when you get home. You’ll be fine; it’s just listening. Books can wait until Monday, which will be busy but that’s what’s good for you right now.

Might just stop messing w Saturdays. Won’t get as many good reviews and postage will cost more, but it’s fine. We will only get bit if something is expedited, and if that happens, you can FedEx it. Ought to have done that a long time ago.

Passing by a big family eating at Rio’s on the way back. Loud. Happy. Wonderful to see, but glad your small family is quieter.

Getting closer to Him. Want less negativity and stress. There’s just no need for it. It’s pointless. You have support and love from friends and family. Blissfulness in your home. Contentment. Dipped a toe into ChristianMingle just to see and that won’t be a problem if and when you’re ready. Well, when He’s ready for you to.

Easter will be back in the sanctuary after so long. No reason to wait though. YouTube just isn’t the same and James Island just isn’t that far.

Money is tight right now. Savings are gone and you’ll be on low spend mode for months. Inflation alone will be crushing, but you have enough for your base expenses. It’s a mode you’ve been in several times, but it will pass. Another trip to KY might be in the cards. Who knows.

PT wellness guy suggested local healthy delivery meal service he used to take that off your plate. Roughly same cost as groceries. Low cost gym is on the way home, just $10/mo. Might be worth it to get that ship righted. Will try if funds permit.

Finishing off the last of the big bottle of rum you’d bought last time she left and stashed at the office. After that, might just cut out alcohol for a while. You don’t need it, it costs money, and is empty calories.

Old problems are trying to find a way in. Sleeping is back to a problem. Slept so well with her there. Will be fighting being a night owl so long as you’re by yourself. 😂

Contentment is what one must have before they can truly be happy. Some will never allow themselves contentment. Some will fight it every step of the way because they just need that strife in their lives. It’s not something you understand, and don’t need to.

One step at a time. Move with His purpose in your life. The further you get from Him, the colder you feel – and there’s just no reason to feel that way.

None.

Home sweet Casa.

She helped you pick up several. Cared about your health. Will stay with it. The one treat this time will be trying Goya Ginger beer since they were on sale.

Even got firewood. Just wanted to. It’s alright to miss her. Something small has begun in your life. Something good. Something warm. You don’t know what it is, but you feel it. Don’t chase it off. Good habits are good things. 🙂