Amusing.

A week ago tonight, you had the argument that saw her leaving a second time.

Three years ago tomorrow was your first WordPress post.

Not that it matters. Just interesting. You usually have a blow up and don’t speak to each other around April each year. Chances are April 2022 won’t be any different now.

Either stop now or read to the end.

Three years of them. Lots of things left in those drafts.

Lots left unsaid. Most for the better. Some maybe she’d have been better off feeling your anger. Sometimes people need to realize how things hit.

Maybe she would have realized you weren’t nearly as much of a pushover had you shown her that side of you earlier on.

Either way, you know what it’s like to say something you want to take back.

She complains about men so much at the drop of a hat while treating you like you were a tenth as bad as all the other scumbags she’s been with. The Art Teacher. The Gun Store guy. The guy she married and moved to Canada for after meeting twice that liked taunting her. The Cancer boy that won’t stop lying that she will never cut loose.

Given her terrible decisions regarding men, it’s not surprising she let you go so soon. Loving? Honest? Emotionally stable? Good relationship with your family and wanting one with hers? Educated, responsible, with a desire to have a career? Wanting to build a life with her and try to make her happy?

You’re not perfect. Not even close. But one quick perusal through the idiot gallery of her choices and you are definitely the one that doesn’t fit. You are better than every last one of them and it’s not even close.

What’s to take back? The truth? The truth is that what she couldn’t handle was you actually truly good for her. Just a few more months and it’s back to the lying punching bag of an ex boyfriend, the job she hates, and near-suicide trips to the hospital for the cage she wants back in so bad.

You’re not stupid. She’s not cut out to be single. Could never handle it. Loves sex too much and she’s not some slut that doesn’t need an emotional connection.

Maybe you’ll publish this, maybe not. Looking back at all those drafts at your pouring forth your love for this woman and anger when she’d ram her head into a wall repeatedly and blame anyone but herself? Who knows…

Don’t complain about men when you choose to spend your life with scumbags and ditch the one you finally found that was actually good for you. Etc.

Sunday she felt the same way. The ADD post and all the anger you could tell was behind it. Like she had the right to shove you back in a friend zone as if the last 4 months hadn’t happened.

Or found yet another excuse to blow way out of proportion to act like you weren’t someone she could ever be with. Oh no! ADD! Or pills! Too close to your folks! Or games you didn’t play nearly as much as she claimed like you couldn’t hunt down time played stats! Quick! Run to a gaslighting abuser and give him a million chances! Honey, just say whatever you need to say to sabotage yourself and get it over with.

The gaslighting she pinned on you was even more insulting. Given how much you treasure truth and honesty how she’d interrupt and confuse you and play gotcha at something she claimed you said that didn’t even make any sense if you had.

You could tell, because she never wanted clarification. The point was to argue, not communicate.

Best of all? Stabbed you with your most painful memory over and over. Your own child. What shook your faith to its core and devastated you for well over a decade… throwing it in your face again and again until it didn’t even faze you and then had the gall to hold “humiliating her” over you…

…For chastising you for letting your mom and dad do so much for you… and then calling her mom to yell at you when she wanted you to buy the plane ticket. Why not buy her own daughter’s ticket; you were beyond nice to her and never had to be. For her to treat you that way? Disgusting.

The childishness of it all made you laugh. Then the hypocrisy made you cackle. Oh the ‘humiliation’. Your daughter’s name would’ve been Virginia Grace. And now you’re numb to it. Numb. To THAT.

Numb enough to laugh when she screamed at you for letting your folks do everything for you… before running to her own mom when she didn’t get her way.

Yeah you’re angry. You can’t not be and have a shred of self respect.

You were done. Phone. Text. Messenger. Facebook. That old Twitter account. Email address. Even WordPress. You blocked it all. Severed every way she could interact with you. You’d leave her quiet since she always had to have the last word like true drama queen…

And then… not ten minutes later. The sermon. He was not smiling down upon you. 1 Corinthians 13, you hypocritical idiot. Love. And what you say it means to you…

Re-enabled WordPress and text.

She’d deleted the post. Hasty words. She didn’t mean them.

It was turn to regret your anger.

God’s Plan. For years you’ve prayed for her. He pushes you towards her… pulls you away… there always seems to be a purpose.

You don’t just love her because He wants you to. You love her because you love her.

But it’s more than that.

Maybe you don’t need to spare her from your anger. You are slow to anger when it comes to her. Just…her.

Maybe she needed to know that side of you too. You say you’re big into honesty after all; why not be honest when she needed to hear how you felt?

Whatever. Too late for a lot now.

But Sunday… God didn’t want you to shut the door. You want her to know how serious you took that. And how it stopped your anger in its tracks. That can’t happen unless she knows that anger.

How even if it’s justified, there’s a point where you’re a sanctimonious prick if you hold onto it. There’s a lesson there you need to learn. She could get a lot out of it too.

And it’s still there… but you want it gone.

Maybe this truth will piss her off and make her want to sever you. Hope not. Her choice. As it always has been and will be.

To let this sit in Drafts, or to Publish?

What’s left? Love? Always, but it’s clear that she doesn’t feel the same.

Anger? No, you hate being angry at her. That’s why there are so many half-finished Drafts.

Truth? The truth. You gave her your word. And you claim you are a good man. Loyal. Loving. Most of all… Honest.

Another cold April.

Publish.

Sooth my heart, Lord. I can handle sadness. Enough with the anger.

Thank You for yesterday’s sermon.

Thank You for today’s odd Earworm.

And as always, thanks for the cats.

¹ If I speak human or angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ And if I give away all my possessions, and if I give over my body in order to boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, ⁵ is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. ⁶ Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. ⁷ It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

⁸ Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. ⁹ For we know in part, and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will come to an end. ¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put aside childish things. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully known. ¹³ Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love—but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13. Surrounding both of us during these days that are – no matter how things go – a pivotal time in both of our lives.

I’m going to read it every day for a little while. Feel free to join me if you wish.

Business lunch. Discussing different directions. Picking up pieces. Boss already pursuing Plan B. Bad news from last week already leveling off. Customer request increased from four in April to 8 to 10. Week in April might still need me. Bookstore fate unknown but haul of 96 from Hilton Head to enter soon. No immediate plan in case of KY trip other than week vacation setting. A month up there would be helpful. Kept the thought in the back of my mind if things went wrong and I needed to get away for a while. Bookstore I want to keep if I can. Reasons.

They wanted barbecue. Home Team or Swig n Swine. I wanted Home Team because it had only been 8 hours, and the only Valentine’s Day I’d ever enjoyed just wasn’t that long ago either. Left it to chance, and of course I ended up staring where we sat that night. Another day after a blow up where we were in limbo. I didn’t care. One of those stupid holidays came and I had anyone, let aloe her, no friend zone was going to hold me.

Corner of the warehouse was cold. Had never used the term ‘filled with emptiness’ but no other terms would suffice. Seven books to go out. Her Google page still logged in. Logged out instantly. Not my stuff. Signed in as myself. Dolphin wallpaper still there. Wasn’t going anywhere. Just books. Shelves. Envelopes. A message of someone claiming their book never arrived. A response of the tracking info showing it was picked up at a Mississippi post office. Nothing I hadn’t been doing for a year. Cold though. Not cold, just… cold. A warm cold. Her hands had placed them there. Looking over each with care. Held each of the seven she’d entered and there was a warmth in the cold. Not warm, but… warm.

First wave hit hard. Folded in as needed. Nothing I haven’t gone through before. Waves ebbed and flowed. Sadness. Hope. Anger. Warmth. Cold. Frustration.

Placed call to resolve issue with vendor that had me frustrated the day before that set me up for my side of the blame. Took eight minutes. Eight. Eight minutes of patience might have kept me more calm last night. Add blame to frustration. Anger rippled across all day. Anger at her. It bounced off, just as her daggers did upon the new armored heart last night. Like shells splintering on a battleship’s hull, shattering with fragments flying off towards their true enemies, those who made the hull so damned thick over so many years.

I have not held her hands for the last time.

God, please give us wisdom, grace, strength, but most of all… time. For whatever purpose we are meant to have in each other’s life.

And thanks for the cats.

Now is the time you’ve always waited for.

Now is the time you will look back on in the years to come as the moments of truth in your life as you continue barreling forth past the halfway point.

Now you can make a difference…or fail to.

Do you feel that? It’s Possibility. For weal or woe. You see the Long Term. Perhaps to the detriment of the Short Term. Now is the time to see both.

Now is the time. You’ve tasted both victory and defeat in the last two months. Frustration and bliss. Do things rest on a knife’s edge? Maybe. Maybe not. So…they probably do. But that knife has two edges, and thus there is Hope.

And even if there is but one ounce of it, it is infinitely better than defeat.

Things are working behind the scenes. Him. Work is going well. Bright things on the horizon if everyone works hard and plays their cards right. Thin rays of sunlight through bloated clouds of darkness.

You’re going to have to grow to see them truly and harness them for the two of you. But you can…and you will.🦁

She’s going to have to grow to see them truly and fight through the walls of pain and fear that stand between her and her hopes and dreams. Will she? Time will tell.

If she could see through your eyes, it would be clear as day. And in all the time she’s been here, you haven’t gotten a chance to. Weekends flare up constantly as something tries to stop you. Doubts creep in. Confusion. Fear. Then anger.

Truth. The most important virtue. Be True. To yourself. To her. To God. You know the Truth. You feel it. You’ve doubted too. Fallen as well. You have much growth ahead also.

But in times of fear, it’s the need to hold true to who you are, for her sake as well as yours that must define you.

And it does. Hold true. You both will be fine. Be strong where she is weak, and she will do the same for you.

There just aren’t too many greater challenges to overcome given who the two of you are, and that means His fingerprints are all over this.

Now is the time to hold true. Fight your tendencies. Times Squared. Joyfulness is not your default state; giving up to pain and loneliness are. It is because of Him that it burns so brightly within you.

Pray for her in her battles to see what you have. Fight by her side as needed.

Now is the time. For however long the knife rests on its edge, Now is the time.

Thank God… Now is the time. 🕊🐬🌹🦁😃

Finally Blue sky. Beautiful day. You aren’t downtown for Second Sunday.

How do things keep going wrong?

It doesn’t make sense.

Nothing makes sense.

You love her. She loves you.

You both regret last night.

Give her time.

You never have to understand.

Have faith in yourself, and in her.

It’s time both of you grew up.

Alone. Again. Whatever you want to eat. Whatever you want to do. Two days ago you were happier than you can ever remember . Now you can’t imagine going back but here you are. All the things she doesn’t like. YouTube. Games. Online stupidity. Things you’re stuck with now.

Cooking with her was amazing. Everything was amazing. You didn’t want to spend your time doing anything else. You wanted to share your hobbies with her to feel them from another perspective sure, but it was a whole New World with her. Every night even though you didn’t go anywhere it was a whole New World and you loved it.

You screwed it up. She was here in your arms and you screwed it up. You got mad instead of letting God guide your words.

It wasn’t even 48 hours ago. Everything you had looked forward to for so long… now here you are. Son of a bitch those Friday nights are back.

She says it’s for the best. Sitting in front of the TV. Wasting your life alone rather than sharing it. There’s no way in hell this is for the best.

This is purgatory.

All the things you’d saved to do with her. You thought you would have more time.

damn you for giving her your word you’d keep sober.

It took years for her to get out of that prison and mere hours to get out of your paradise.

God has a plan. Just fucking listen to Him next time. And pray maybe one day there might somehow be a next time.

You’d live anywhere with her in a few years when you were able. Anywhere. Your paradise is a prison if you don’t have someone and she’s the only woman. The only one. She’s just the only one.

Please just don’t let this be the end.

Some of the things you might say. Not that you can and still hold true to what you claim to be priority. It still is… but it’s really important to remember to remind yourself of that. And so the things you want to say that can’t be said. It’s not like she doesn’t know them.

But you’ll finally see her soon, God willing. And you’re going to try your best to just be… what she wants you to be. Good for you.

She knows your love is true. And yet she says she doesn’t want to cause you problems. Like somehow you’re too innocent or naïve or however she wants to frame it.

You don’t take any offense to it because you know she doesn’t mean to offer any. But to you it does miss the point.

She thinks she’s messed up and doesn’t want to mess you up. You feel like you’ve saved up light your whole life. Joy. What’s left of your innocence some might call naïveté. Laughter. Gregariousness. Desire to build. Encourage. In this world all of these things may be simply good vibes.

In the spiritual world these are weapons. Weapons you have learned to to wield your whole life. Knowing your heart would lead you to someone whom you would be chomping at the bit to fight alongside, just for them to be worried about scuffing your paint.

There’s more to it of course; you’re not stupid. But that also means… there’s more to it. 🤔 We are in our 40s. The most meaningful things aren’t said; they are felt.

Six years has been a long enough time. With all you have been through, all the times she chased you off only for you to still hang on with your fingernails. She either thinks you have love truer than the ocean or you’re just that pathetic.

No. It’s more.

Can it be less? For a few days? For her? Of course. You love doing things for her. Deliberately came up with three overly basic things you wouldn’t to for anyone just to ground yourself.

Either it really is sweet or pathetic and you really *still* don’t know… 😂

What’s also funny is that you’re not really nervous. At all. It’s a level of comfort. Just like when she said you at one point touched the small of her back and you didn’t even realize it because it just seemed so natural to you.

How can someone in your shoes not be nervous? Scared to make a mistake? Maybe because you already made one of the biggest mistakes ever the last time you were with her and she still cares about you. Maybe it’s just because it’s easy to feel comfortable around your perceived other half. Eh. Who knows. Maybe you’re lying to yourself about not being nervous; that is something you would do… 🤔

She knows that if you could with certainty, you’d promise her she would never have to work again. Just as you know that that would be insulting to her. Oh, she’d love the idea, but Matriarchs have a dim view of feeling “bought off”, and she is nothing less.

By now she’s read between the lines at why this new job excites you so much. Create your own job. Sell it if it becomes successful and move on. What would she like to do? What would you like to do? You’re trying to learn how to make that possible. Firstly for yourself, don’t exaggerate. But if you can learn enough… Who knows. Maybe the possibilities merely begin with a flower shop. The real possibility is… possibility itself. You aren’t close yet though. So much you have to learn. To prove to yourself, much less anyone else.

God has pulled you towards her at times. Away from her at others. You’re not really sure what you feel now. But damn if every last thing doesn’t just fit perfectly in your mind. Your strengths and weaknesses just match hers across-the-board. The vibrant joy you want to bring into her life. The vibrant wind you want her to bring to fill your sails and push you to be so much more and out of the doldrums of a stagnant world.

And you’ve already established in your own mind limits on your hopes and when you will allow yourself to have them.

She wants you to be as you are. So be as you are. You can do that for her. This is her trip. She honors you with an invitation.

So just keep being nonchalant. Downplay how much this means. Don’t let her see just how excited you are. And you’re not hiding anything; she already knows.

So don’t be that guy. Just go have a fun weekend with a cherished friend. There’s no reason to be nervous. What are you gonna do? Of course you’re going to take your shirt off at the pool if people go swimming. And yeah you’re gonna suck in your gut. What’s the point of hiding? She will look magnificent even though she won’t realize it. It’s just… there. The Truth.

What could you tell her that she hasn’t already realized about you? And still… she has not chosen you. Probably never will. But you mean so much to her. An outsider might say she was just using you for attention. But you know her soul. You’ve never even been mad enough at her even at the absolute worst to even take that seriously. It’s just crazy. 😂

The first time you saw her, there was pressure because it was that first time. The second time, they was so much pressure in your heart to try to win her that you let it end up consuming you, despite having the some of the most wonderful times you have ever known.

This time everything as a known commodity. The pressure is actually off. There’s really not much at stake. Each of you can be yourselves. So maybe now is a good time to end the overthinking, before you manage to talk yourself into finding a way to be nervous. 😂

Y’all will have a good time. Don’t make it more than it is. It’s already so much to her. Which already makes it so much to you.

You’ll have a good time. 🙂

Just hung up. Don’t want to take away from the quiet.

It comes back hard sometimes. Those feelings. They were strong today. Before our convo started.

And now you just texted me.

The way I look at you. You can feel it.

I’m going to tell you that I love you.

Because I do.

And I just feel so good saying it.

You just don’t know. 🌹