This music. These memories. So distant, yet so recent. This deep warmth of camaraderie. Loyalty. Faith. Truth.
Why keep trying? The real world isn’t like this. It doesn’t care about idealism the way it’s portrayed in movies about honorable knights like Galahad and Parsifal. Most were anything but anyway.
And you’re never going to be that way. You’ve failed too much. spent too much time charging windmills.
Well you’re past halfway done.
So… why give into nihilism now?
He has a plan. He knows you don’t like it. He knows you’re up to it. Even if you’re not ready for it.
You just need help. Bet there is some over there in that windmill…
I feel this. Maybe this represents your anger at me. Maybe it’s something you’re going through that you just don’t want to share. Maybe it’s all my imagination and things are great.
You have your reasons for being distant. Whatever they are, know that you are still in my thoughts and in my prayers. And there will not be a day that I don’t believe in you.
If you were angry with me, I’m sure there’s a good reason. And that you know I never mean to upset you.
You hate them. At least lately a gaming session online has distracted you the last few weeks. Postponed tonight though. Since you work Saturdays it doesn’t have as much of a sting to it anymore because you still have to work the next day.
You’re not stuck home while everyone else celebrates the end of the workweek either with their families… or used to be friends, back when you had local friends that didn’t have families.
Everybody has their moods but tonight you really just want to fuck. Make love whatever. There’s time for fulfilling, loving, nurturing intimacy with your better half; and then there’s times when you want to plant her against the wall and fuck her like she was an old bully’s sister.
Well you have a video game. Yay.
One of these days these moods are gonna be awesome. Until then, bring on Warspite and tear ship up.
Guess you had fun. It’s tomorrow now. Get back to work. Celebrate keeping your eyes clean. Yay. Back to it…
You know. Watching someone you care about suffer. Watching the person that causes much of the suffering be treated like a hero while you suffer in silence. Having to do research to find ways to talk to that person without making it worse. You’re not supposed to criticize the person causing the pain. Huge problem. You’re not sure if you can even do that.
So silence. Just don’t make it worse. How many hospital visits? How many broken bones? Only one concussion that you know of. Maybe you’re a terrible friend because that’s all you can think of. And you’re not able to get past the physical and psychological toll being put on the person you care about.
Maybe that puts you in the same league as a dog. Blindingly loyal, but single minded even to a fault. That doesn’t make you a good friend though. The real world has a nuance to it.
She’s told you so many times what you already know. She needs to leave him, regrets moving there, hates being there, and wants to go home. And then within two days it’s always the same. Kind to the cruel and cruel to the kind. Been that way for what, six years?
She knows she’s being manipulated and lied to and gaslit. That happened before the violence. Ended up causing it.
So what do you do? There’s not a damn thing you can say because she will attribute anything to your feelings. So even if you’re right she won’t care. Especially if you’re right she won’t care. Putting everything on that makes it easy to gaslight herself.
Just stay quiet and avoid the drama. You’re 44. Seriously. What the hell are you doing. This is high school bullshit to you. Likely to her too which is why she doesn’t see it for what it is. It can’t be your problem, even if it is slowly killing her right in front of you.
It can’t be your problem. Maybe you’re just part of her problem. She keeps saying you’re not a Plan B, which doesn’t do wonders for your confidence. You want someone that wants you for their Plan A.
Maybe you put pressure on her without realizing it. Who knows.
The status quo isn’t healthy for either of you. In whatever form love takes, this is not supposed to be what it is about.
Pray. Ask His guidance. You don’t feel Him pulling you in this direction anymore. You don’t know what to think. It’s up to her to make the changes she needs to make to live a normal life. And there’s nothing you can do about it but hurt.
You’ve made a lot of mistakes but you don’t deserve that forever. Maybe she’s wiser five years from now. Maybe you are. Maybe. Who knows.
Who knows. You keep having dreams about her but they aren’t positive anymore.
You want to be a part of her life, but not hurt. You want to talk to her and not make things worse. If you can’t figure these things out, you know what that means.
Why can’t things just be easy? Why can’t you just move on? Is it ego at this point? Maybe. Who knows.
I want you to visit. Find an opportunity. Make the time. The window on this end isn’t going to be open forever, and you need to visit. And whether you believe it or not, it’s not about me.
If you’re going to make me stay up all night, unable to get back to sleep, please for the love of all that is good and holy remove Kulikitaka from being stuck in my head…
I don’t understand. But you don’t want to talk about it. All good. Neither of us enjoys hearing about the others dating life. 🤔
I’m here for you as a friend. We are not right for each other as more, at least right now, and we both know it. The future is unwritten and anything is possible, but right now I am only meant to be in your life as what I am. That could change in the future for good or ill, but right now I’m just Orson.
We both know there’s more to it than that than that. All I meant today was that the current situation your face, whatever it is, involves dealing with him and whatever issues have come about.
Whatever frustrations you’ve had this week would exist, even if I didn’t. That is literally all I meant.
Sweetie, it’s very possible that the days to come are going to be very difficult, and things will likely get worse before they get better, based on what little I have been able to infer.
You said today that you didn’t want to be “an immature fuckup” (your words) to my life, etc. and well, yeah… if you feel that way, I can appreciate it. I wouldn’t want to be a problem for anyone either. 🤔
But sweetie, not for my sake or anyone else’s…for yours – if you don’t think you’re good enough for “better”, then… “be better”.
You have overcome plenty of things in the past, and you can overcome anything you choose to. You’re 40 now. You have had half a lifetime of experiences to see where your choices can lead you.
You are better than the situation you are in now and who you’re with now. If you’re able to channel your pride into determination to live a better life and make the choices you need to to see it through, absolutely nothing is going to stop you. 😊
In the last few months I have stepped back a bit emotionally for both our sakes. Don’t mistake that for lack of care.
Now is the time for you to think about your life and where you really want to go. You are truly free to go where you want and live where you want. None of us are pinned down by anything save what we choose to prioritize.
As for me, I want you to be happy. I have no expectations for myself of you as we each are now other than friendship. Even if we were meant to be, it’s not right now, and both of us need to work on ourselves so that we are ready for whoever comes down our respective roads.
So if that’s bothering you, don’t let it. There’s no reason as far as I know why we need to be upset. If I’m wrong, just come to me about it. You know I have no intention of hurting you intentionally.
If you haven’t been happy since 1984… that’s a long time to be out in the cold. And I’m sorry, but it’s not going to change today.
But you sure can begin to change tomorrow. 👊😊
Make up your mind to be more. To be better. To have higher standards for those around you. Turn your weaknesses into strengths. Stretch yourself into being more. Especially when you don’t want to.
It’s so easy to be black and white in Pleasantville. Doing what we’ve always done, getting what we’ve always got.
So be more. 😊
I might be naïve, ignorant, or have one of a million other faults… but I have faith in you. Why? Because I’m right to.
It’s Not a Frame of Mind 