😂

🌷

We never actually talk about what it means.

We don’t have to.

There is a reason why.

When you hurt, I hurt.

When you smile, I smile.

Whatever we are… whatever we mean… whatever God‘s purpose is for us in each others lives…

I have no idea what it is.

But I’m glad we have an emoji for it.

Be well tonight sweetie. Know that you are Loved. Truly…Loved.

☺️

https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=1m05s&v=dpzshMz0gqo&feature=youtu.be

☺️

Little aches and pains here and there. They started out small, just as earlier generations said they would. They’re going to be companions for as dad would say “The duration”.

Oh they will come and go as they always have but some will linger on long pass their welcome. And the more we have the worse it will one day be.

Growing older is more appealing than the alternative. And with understanding of the future, drawing lessons from the past, and gratefulness for all that one has for the present… perhaps someone can find peacefulness.

At least for a few moments here and there.

Time is fleeting. Feel the wonders of His creation around us. The simplest of things. The calling of birds. Rustling of trees. Slow lap of ocean waves. Cool breeze on mountain lakes. Warm fur of a loving four-legged companion.

Like aloe on a burn, let it drown the turbulence of the world. If only for a few moments.

Breathe.

Breathe……. ☺️

Thank God for them…

Powerful. It’s who she is. Friendly, relaxed and approachable just like anyone else, sure. But in those moods and in those times, there is almost a sense of pause she gathers herself and gazes upon you.

Regal. Elegant. Wily, yet serene. Beautiful obviously, but so much more. So much more of a presence, you have no idea how to describe it it’s just there, or it’s not. You just know. Some kind of magnetism. Someone who would stand out in a crowd just because… she does.

But it’s almost like a power she can turn on and off. Sometime she is in the mood to just cook dinner. Or watch a movie. Or one of a million things any other woman would. She loves being seen the way you see her. But she doesn’t want your life engulfed by her anymore than hers engulfed by you. She writes, paints, draws, gardens, sings, hikes, or one of a million hobbies she has of her own, and loves life on her own, thriving in the sunlight and dancing through the night. She smiles. She laughs. She loves.

Her presence is warmth. Mystery. Excitement. Seductive? Beyond, but only by choice. She doesn’t try to seduce, only attract. She knows she doesn’t have to use her whole measure; it’s overkill. She knows just who she is is enough, but that doesn’t stop her every once in a while from just blowing you out of the water and making you stammer at her with that loving, yet almost smug smile. She has you and you love it.

Intelligent? Yes, but also seeking wisdom. She can talk for hours about the past. Or shared interests she introduces you to. She wonders what it would have been like to share a table with Nelson, Augustus, Patton or da Vinci. Whereas you wonder how a castle was defended, she reaches out to touch the stonework and feel that a part of her shares the same world as the people themselves. And yet she wouldn’t mind coming up with a background for a goofy D&D character if you really wanted her to.

She has been wisened by her journey through life. No matter where she comes from she has seen plenty of people, places, and experiences to temper her judgment. To appreciate her world. To overcome her wounds, not forget them; to cherish the life she has, and not look back. Her life has not always been as it is now. She’s suffered. Been humbled. Overcome so much. She’s done with it, but her fire hasn’t dimmed. Now it obeys her, and only a fool would assume she can’t wield it when she chooses. She is powerful enough to realize she does not need to rain down her fury on mundane issues. They aren’t worth her time of day.

She is almost like a lion tamer when it comes to you. You vent your frustrations with fire and fury, as she sits there with a generously smug smile, kindly letting you get it out of your system. The voice of calm when you are acting the fool. In private of course. Embarrassing her in front of others by not being a man of her standards is just not going to happen.

Your behavior reflects on her; and you will not make her look foolish for choosing you. By her nature she makes you raise your standards. She doesn’t waste her time in realms of negativity she doesn’t need to. That gets in the way of her bliss. And what gets in the way of her bliss is your problem. Her bliss is your job. As yours is hers.

When the roles are reversed it is much the same, and you are the calm one who is her anchor as she vents her fury. God help anyone that pisses you both off at the same time.

She is respected by the others in your shared family for her wisdom and power. Certainly not because she demands it, but it’s just what she carries with her. Even if it is within your eyes only, it is still that power. That pull. That need.

She is a woman, not interested in pettiness. She is your queen, but not interested in groveling. Kings don’t grovel, and she deserves nothing less than a king. Your partner and other half. Similar in so many ways. Different in so many more.

It will be your job to make her so happy she chose you. And make no mistake – she chose you.

She loves you. And she loves being in love with you. She is as thankful to have you as you are to have her. You can’t understand why, how, or what are you have done to deserve her. But it is the greatest honor to make her never go a day regretting the day she chose you.

One of these days she may even exist.

I really need one and I know I’m not alone. Forgive me. I need to be more. Please help me want to be. Grant me calm, please, and temperance… but most of all wisdom.

Please give me some good sleep.

And as always, thanks for the cat.

This music. These memories. So distant, yet so recent. This deep warmth of camaraderie. Loyalty. Faith. Truth.

Why keep trying? The real world isn’t like this. It doesn’t care about idealism the way it’s portrayed in movies about honorable knights like Galahad and Parsifal. Most were anything but anyway.

And you’re never going to be that way. You’ve failed too much. spent too much time charging windmills.

Well you’re past halfway done.

So… why give into nihilism now?

He has a plan. He knows you don’t like it. He knows you’re up to it. Even if you’re not ready for it.

You just need help. Bet there is some over there in that windmill…

I feel this. Maybe this represents your anger at me. Maybe it’s something you’re going through that you just don’t want to share. Maybe it’s all my imagination and things are great.

You have your reasons for being distant. Whatever they are, know that you are still in my thoughts and in my prayers. And there will not be a day that I don’t believe in you.

If you were angry with me, I’m sure there’s a good reason. And that you know I never mean to upset you.

Be well, sweetie. Miss you. Here if you need me.🌷

You hate them. At least lately a gaming session online has distracted you the last few weeks. Postponed tonight though. Since you work Saturdays it doesn’t have as much of a sting to it anymore because you still have to work the next day.

You’re not stuck home while everyone else celebrates the end of the workweek either with their families… or used to be friends, back when you had local friends that didn’t have families.

Everybody has their moods but tonight you really just want to fuck. Make love whatever. There’s time for fulfilling, loving, nurturing intimacy with your better half; and then there’s times when you want to plant her against the wall and fuck her like she was an old bully’s sister.

Well you have a video game. Yay.

One of these days these moods are gonna be awesome. Until then, bring on Warspite and tear ship up.

Guess you had fun. It’s tomorrow now. Get back to work. Celebrate keeping your eyes clean. Yay. Back to it…

You know. Watching someone you care about suffer. Watching the person that causes much of the suffering be treated like a hero while you suffer in silence. Having to do research to find ways to talk to that person without making it worse. You’re not supposed to criticize the person causing the pain. Huge problem. You’re not sure if you can even do that.

So silence. Just don’t make it worse. How many hospital visits? How many broken bones? Only one concussion that you know of. Maybe you’re a terrible friend because that’s all you can think of. And you’re not able to get past the physical and psychological toll being put on the person you care about.

Maybe that puts you in the same league as a dog. Blindingly loyal, but single minded even to a fault. That doesn’t make you a good friend though. The real world has a nuance to it.

She’s told you so many times what you already know. She needs to leave him, regrets moving there, hates being there, and wants to go home. And then within two days it’s always the same. Kind to the cruel and cruel to the kind. Been that way for what, six years?

She knows she’s being manipulated and lied to and gaslit. That happened before the violence. Ended up causing it.

So what do you do? There’s not a damn thing you can say because she will attribute anything to your feelings. So even if you’re right she won’t care. Especially if you’re right she won’t care. Putting everything on that makes it easy to gaslight herself.

Just stay quiet and avoid the drama. You’re 44. Seriously. What the hell are you doing. This is high school bullshit to you. Likely to her too which is why she doesn’t see it for what it is. It can’t be your problem, even if it is slowly killing her right in front of you.

It can’t be your problem. Maybe you’re just part of her problem. She keeps saying you’re not a Plan B, which doesn’t do wonders for your confidence. You want someone that wants you for their Plan A.

Maybe you put pressure on her without realizing it. Who knows.

The status quo isn’t healthy for either of you. In whatever form love takes, this is not supposed to be what it is about.

Pray. Ask His guidance. You don’t feel Him pulling you in this direction anymore. You don’t know what to think. It’s up to her to make the changes she needs to make to live a normal life. And there’s nothing you can do about it but hurt.

You’ve made a lot of mistakes but you don’t deserve that forever. Maybe she’s wiser five years from now. Maybe you are. Maybe. Who knows.

Who knows. You keep having dreams about her but they aren’t positive anymore.

You want to be a part of her life, but not hurt. You want to talk to her and not make things worse. If you can’t figure these things out, you know what that means.

Why can’t things just be easy? Why can’t you just move on? Is it ego at this point? Maybe. Who knows.

Who knows.