They got married 47 years today. That’s a long time to be happy. Sharing the adventure of life with the person you care about most in it. Going places, building things together, you name it.

Heading to Saint Simons and Hilton Head Islands for the anniversary, somewhat mirroring their honeymoon going down the coast. Finally both now fully retired and in the clubhouse. After lifetimes of living frugally and investing for the future, they are settling in for what he refers to as “the duration”. Which is always followed by her rolling her eyes. They mess with each other like that. She’s always young at heart, and he always enjoys joking with her when he sees a nice nursing home.

They’ll never have grandkids. Amazing that they’re more fine with that that you are. They’re fine with anything when it comes to you being happy. And since you have made peace with that so have they. Kindness the likes of which few deserve. She even told you that she thought about buying a necklace for Crow because she knew she would like it. Beads and something white in the front you’re glad you forgot..

There’s a lot of things you’re not going to have. A 47th anniversary is one of them. And the strange thing is that’s fine. They deserve that; you don’t. And there’s actually nothing wrong with that.

Because they were once your age with a 13-year-old son and they didn’t deserve it then either. That’s got to be earned. Earned with love, Sharing the adventure of life, hard work, and as both of them would say: each giving 90%. Sounds crazy but it works. Neither one of them settled.

You don’t need to have 47 years. You don’t need to have children. When it comes to finding the one that’s meant for you, you just need God. You see His light shining through them. Just two kind, sweet, ridiculously simple people – who would see ‘simple’ as a complement.

Life is an adventure if you have the right partner in your life. They even used to move every seven years or so. As he earned more he could give her nicer places. But they would’ve moved regardless. Just fun mixing stuff upon occasion. And why not?

Why not live a life of optimism? Joy? Adventure? Even if the adventure is going to the other side of town to look at houses under construction if you’re both into that?

Why not? A really good question to ask a lot more often than you do. 🤔

Sure a heck of a lot better than the alternative.

Yeah match is a disaster. What else would you expect until you can get in better shape? Seven pounds is a good start; nothing more. Work is going better. Books are coming back up in and going out well thanks to the folks. Have to figure out QuickBooks and the video conversion stuff. Bottom line is things are getting better, slowly but surely. Still don’t know what to say you do for a living, but it’s getting better.

The profile’s out of date, but you’re not changing anything for now. You were in a good place when you started it so just keep it there for now.

You occasionally get takers but no one you’re interested in. A few shots in the dark, but no one you liked seemed to have much interest. And then L. She ‘liked’ you and even started a convo with “hi!” just like a bunch of others, but you looked at that profile and it had ‘fake’ all over it. Late 30s, attractive redhead, in great shape. Pretty smile. Just wanted to get out and socialize apparently. Christian/other and conservative. Not much else under interests. Pictures were beautiful. A little too convenient. No way it was real.

Ignored her for a while. Took another look. Whoever found the pictures and was using them did well. And then you thought for a second that 20 years ago this would never even occurred to you; why weren’t you as confident as you were then?

Why not just see? You took screenshots of the pictures and did reverse image searches just to see where they came from. Zero results. For either one. Wow. She was real.

”Greetings! How are you?” and….. she vanishes. No conversation, no nothing. You have no idea how the site works but apparently you were blocked. Like, then message, then blocked when you responded. Hmmm. Certainly not the first time that’s happened. But hey, a possibility.

The funny thing is you weren’t actually even really disappointed. But she was real. That’s what matters. And if you keep working on yourself, it actually may lead to daylight with someone. You really don’t need to feel as insecure. Don’t stop working on improving yourself. But things might not be as bad in that area as you thought they were.

Crow told you not to mess with match. It’s not like you want to; there’s really just not much else for finding people. Rings are everywhere else. Have been for years.

The key is Him. Who He wants you to be with. He’s ultimately the source of love and happiness in your life. Terrifying though isn’t it? You don’t even know what that means. Could’ve sworn it was leading somewhere for a long time and… yeah. But that’s really your fault; not His.

But maybe you’re not as bad off as you thought. Just keep improving. Walking more. Eating better. Figure out the latest sleep crisis. You have to. Because your mind isn’t into it right now; you’re not even really interested in dating. Which means now’s the time. That’s just the way life is. Fight your tendencies.

Time Squared.

Do you know those really annoying kinds of Christians? The ones who are supremely judgmental, condescending, and get in your face saying that you’re selfish and are going to hell (usually pronounced with two syllables)?

Off the top my head I’ve never seen anyone respond with “Wow, you’re right I had no idea. I’m going to do what you want.”

Regardless of anyone’s feelings on the vaccine, there is a lesson to be learned about the presentation of one’s arguments. 🤔

Rule of thumb: the harder you push, the bigger the middle finger…

Had that weird feeling you can’t put your finger on again today. It’s been a while. Things felt almost alien. Almost like you didn’t belong where you were, doing the things you did. Almost as if you were supposed to be hanging out with other friends from long ago. Or like work was keeping you away from some office where you were supposed to be working.

You haven’t felt this way in a long time. Well significantly at least. It’s almost like that feeling when you’re a kid and change schools. It doesn’t take you that long to find a crowd and blend in and as soon as you feel like you’re part of that crowd there is this oddness that seems to find you that the level of familiarity isn’t the way it was with the past crowd.

So difficult to explain. Now you want chocolate ice cream so bad. Not the ice cream substitute that you are eating to keep sugar intake low; The real stuff with chunks of fudge in it.

Well craving sugar means you’re actually accomplishing something.

Maybe the feeling stems from the fact that you don’t really interact with anyone on a regular basis in person like you would if you had an office job or lived in a busy apartment complex.

It’s almost like you could feel like you stepped into a parallel universe or something, and sensed some cosmic difference like Guinan in Yesterday’s Enterprise.

Celt is hardly home anymore. New guy. Something puts you off about that, but it’s probably just the eternal hatred you now have for being the third, fifth, or seventh wheel.

You’re tired in the afternoons. Have to fight the urge to take a nap. Wastes your time. Need to find out what’s wrong with energy levels; sleeping after work just robs you of time you’re going to wish you had back.

Sleeping has been difficult lately. Especially going to bed at a reasonable time. You’ve never had problems waking up too soon and not being able to get back to sleep. Been a plague the last two weeks. That damn chest pain is back too. Just doesn’t wanna go away.

Well get used to it. You’re not gonna get any younger.

It’s so easy to get angry right now. Not sure why. But there’s no place for that outside of college football season. Might go for a walk. Might drive somewhere to walk around because the area here is just so well-traveled lately.

Yeah that’s a good idea. So boring. Everything’s finally getting back to normal Covid-wise. Such a Beautiful day. Cloudless. Mid 70s. Would love to take someone to folly beach tonight. pick one of a dozen odd dinner places you’ve never been before. Warm breeze. Moonlight. Purpose.

It was always your favorite. Even though the term is never used correctly in science fiction. Fast and strong. Great endurance. Moderate armor. Unlike most other ship types designed for a unique role rather than an evolution of one.

The ships of the line, descendants of HMS Victory, had a bit of an interruption thanks to a bunch of pissed off Americans who decided to build ships out of iron to battle each other with. CSS Virginia, denied her very name by the lying bastards that wrote the history, tore into blockading ships until eventually running into the USS Monitor… A battle that is treated as a union victory even though neither ship could do anything to the other.

Meanwhile in the Holy City of all places, the world’s first submarine blew up a blockading union ship but sunk before making it back to port. The Hunley had two crews drown within her and kept being raised. Her third crew succeeded but paid with their lives as well.

Any other time and place it would be a cowards way to fight, But the Charlestonians were desperate to break the stranglehold so they could live in peace. Glory is great. Pointlessness isn’t. And if you can’t even have glory, do what you must to protect your family.

They found her and raised her a few years ago. Buried the remains of the last crew with confederate honors, with only historical reenactors available to try to give them a proper funeral. Though nowadays someone would probably scream “war crime”. 😒

Yeah, even the toughest, meanest battleship bulldog would be forced to to admire that kind of bravery.

But regardless of how the war went, The age of sail was at an end. Technology ruining everything again. But what were you going to do. The period of time between wooden and steel hulls was just odd. Thankfully no significant wars took place at sea so those hybrid ships could be spoken of and glorious terms given how freaking ugly they were.

The turn of the century was an interesting time. The bull in a China shop that was the American president that had lead the charge at San Juan Hill was in the White House and wanted to showcase the great new American fleet.

Beautiful beautiful ships were painted white and sent around the world to ports of call, most notably to Japan, whom America had opened up for trade decades earlier and was now a legitimate competitor in the Pacific now that America had a little empire of its own to defend.

No one at the time knew what the term pre-dreadnought was, but that’s what those ships were. Bristling with guns of multiple calibers, some in turrets and others in side cases, they were slow, coal-burning representations of top-of-the-line technology that was about to be made obsolete. But they looked great.

Congress didn’t even want to pay for the Great White Fleet to be sent around the world. Teddy had enough money to send them halfway across the world so he said he do it and then Congress could explain why they were stuck. So he got the rest of the money.

America was an up-and-coming rising power. But the top dog in that day was the British, Masters of the sea for over a century thanks to Nelson and a commitment by the country to have a navy big enough to equal the second and third largest navies on earth combined.

It was 1906 when Admiral Jacky Fisher‘s revolutionary ship – HMS Dreadnought – was commissioned making every other ship on the planet obsolete instantly.

No mixed gun main battery. All or nothing. Ten 12 inch guns in five dual turrets. Thick armor. And just enough speed to outrun anything it couldn’t outfight. which at that point was pretty much coastal batteries.

The only way Dreadnought was in trouble was against five or six ships that had those 12 inch guns.

Naturally, every other nation had to follow suit. HMS Victory to CSS Virginia to HMS Dreadnought all within 50 years.

Well Fisher wasn’t done. The ships of the line prior to Dreadnought were retired as nations built their own “Dreadnoughts”. Germany built their Nassau class and America’s first were the South Carolina and Michigan. All built along the same lines. Slow lumbering giants all with about a dozen massive 12 inch guns.

But as these floating fortresses went to sea, the prominence of cruisers and subs began as an additional concern for nations. Sure, Big dreadnoughts ruled the waves, but far flung empires needed merchant ships and to keep the commerce flowing… especially Britain, being and island country that owned a quarter of the worlds land and ruled a quarter of its people.

Cruisers were faster than dreadnoughts and could easily devastate even a convoy of merchant ships. Sure you could have destroyer escorts, but they came about mainly to shoo off subs. There was really no defense against cruisers going up and down a trade lane and sending convoy after convoy of valuable wartime supplies to the bottom.

Something had to be able to kill them and the Dreadnoughts were too slow. Fisher then answered with his other great invention.

All ships were tradeoffs between armament, armor, speed, and endurance. So take a dreadnought, lengthen it so it can go faster and give it cruiser armor. You’ve got the big guns and endurance of a battleship, the speed to catch cruisers and armor just enough to protect against their gunfire.

Battle cruisers. Damn these ships were beautiful. And the mission was perfect. Long and lean, you would hunt down those commerce raiders like a cat hunting mice. Protect the defenseless merchant ships that were the lifeblood of an economy and be speedy and powerful on the ends of a battle line.

You even had the only guns powerful enough to fight battleships besides other battleships… but only at great risk. When you had no other choice. Fisher claimed “speed would be their armor”.

Cruisers were toast. The battle cruiser had slightly better armor but powerful engines and battleship guns. With that speed they even had a huge advantage against torpedoes, but usually just cruiser level protection if one of them hit.

Fucking torpedoes. There ought to be a law.

Eventually the Great War started and the Brits got to take on that German fleet the Kaiser had built to rival theirs.

At the Battle of Heligoland Bight, The Royal Navy baited the Germans in the waters right outside their main base at Wilhelmshaven. British destroyers harassed the patrols until they came out and RN light cruisers were there waiting for them. German heavy cruisers then responded and in the Wild melee, British battle cruisers under Beatty Swept in and devastated anything else that had been sent. By the time German battleships could even try to get on station, the Brits were long gone.

Even better was the Battle of the Falkland Islands that same year. The German Pacific squadron led by Admiral Graf Maximilian von Spee had the armored cruisers Scharnhorst and Gneisenau (the first ones) with a few other ships and had been terrorizing all trade in the South Pacific and at the Battle of Coronel destroyed the ragtag British elements that could fight back just off the coast of Chile. The British ships were so outgunned that the commander left the old battleship Canopus at their base at the Falklands because he was better off without her; she was just to slow.

But the devastation reached London and it was time to see what these ships could do. It wasn’t very often that the Royal Navy got torched by anyone, But they had the perfect tools for the job. Ten days later Admiral Sturdee took the battle cruisers Invincible and Inflexible out of Plymouth, bound for the long journey to the Falklands.

The journey was long because they had to conserve coal, but no other ships could do it that fast. After 26 days they arrived at the Falklands.

Admiral von Spee had just so happened to have planned a raid on the British colony and arrived the very next day. Must’ve been one hell of a surprise.

The battle cruisers could both outgun and outrun the German raiders. To say it was a decisive victory would be an understatement. To this day December 8 is still a celebrated day in the Falklands.

Battle cruisers excelled at the role they were designed for. But at Jutland two years later, their weaknesses were revealed. Used in the battle line screening the British battleships, Invincible, Indefatigable, and Queen Mary all exploded from hits like they were cruisers against The German battleships they didn’t realize they were up against.

Lessons were learned and the three battle cruisers the British were building all incorporated them. Armor was re-distributed. Belt armor was shown priority. Being merely two knots slower was well worth the extra protection.

Those three battle cruisers were the only ones to survive the Washington Naval arms limitation treaty and the only in service during World War II.

Hood and Repulse would not survive it. The former blown up by the ghost of Jutland and the latter sunk in the Pacific right alongside the battleship Prince of Wales by the newest bane of existence for proud ships… bombers. Only Renown survived the war.

Japan had a few battle cruisers, but armored them up to battleships just before the war.

America tried to make some battle cruisers but that treaty killed that idea. Two of the poor things Lexington and Saratoga were turned into aircraft carriers. Later on they tried building a few war time large cruisers, the Alaskas, but by that point the technology had made the “fast battleship” possible. Between battle cruisers getting more armored and battleships getting faster, The concept pretty much came to an end.

And then everything else changed. Carriers. Missiles. Satellites. The only thing close to a battle cruiser was the big monster Kirovs the Soviets built in the 80s. Fast, armed to the teeth with massive anti-ship missiles, and lightly armored (as most ships are these days)… they call it one, despite the fact it was built to try to help knock out carriers instead of merchant ships despite the fact it was built to try to help knock out carriers instead of merchant ships. But it certainly wasn’t in the normal cruiser category.

Lean and mean. The British named some of their battle cruisers Lion and Tiger – for obvious reasons. The only thing they needed to fear were the bulldog battleships that could take 15 inch shells as well as give them.

But even then those battleships feared the battle cruisers’ guns as well. Steer one of those long ships right and you might just Pierce his armor before he can pin you with his own gun fire.

Unique situations. Unique responses. Daring and bravery. You want something so you make what do you need to make to take care of business.

And the solution may not work for everything… but it helps to have a lot of tools in the chest.

Fast, rapid response if needed… almost like a heavy cavalry unit at sea. Hmm. No wonder you like them so much.

twitter.com/catsdotexe/status/1393989770527842304

Joy isn’t just a gift from God. It’s armor, fortifying us against pain and anger; depression and ennui.

Anyone can laugh and smile; be in a good mood. Even amazing here and there. But as with all things, some things are permanent conditions while others are like passing clouds.

Like so many other things that are really worth it in the end…

It’s not a frame of mind. It’s a state of being. 🙂

Thank you.

For two wonderful parents each raised by one hardscrabble mother that taught them the meaning of love and family..

For those parents that raised me and taught me to love You, So that even when I would later stray from you I would know the way home.

That they taught me with their own actions the American dream. How working hard, making good decisions, and associating with good people were the three keys to having a successful life.

That the three keys to success at any job was to work hard, make God your partner, and making your boss look good.

That no matter how much or how little you have, having a clean life requires having a clean house.

That family is important no matter how large or small.

For a childhood where the small lessons were learned right along with big and painful lessons.

For the scars of a mutilated face that calmed rampant hyperactivity and slowly healing them over the next few years even when I didn’t notice.

For paranoid mom and dad watching me dehydrate got me to the doctors office in record time. For the old doctor picking up extra hours that happened to recognize viral encephalitis in time to treat me before the brain damage paralyzed from the waist down.

For me to be able to dance at my prom. And any other time it suits me.

For a quiet early life all things considered.

For making me decently smart. Enough to handle myself but not enough to get me in trouble.

For the wisdom to come to this beautiful city and campus. And for the dear and wonderful friends I met along the way.

For finding a creative outlet for my free time that didn’t involve frats and parties.

For the pain and depression that I somehow managed to have even I was at one of the happiest times of my life.

For it to drive down my grades and set me up for an impossible comeback.

For my heart getting broken so my tears led me back to you.

For you standing in my Studio apartment and filling it with your presence… and the guarantee you gave me.

For me waking up the next morning without a hangover considering how much I drank.

For every single coincidence that fell into place all the way down to a professor in marketing accidentally quizzing us One extra time and choosing to drop a quiz result.

For the terror in my heart when I learned that thinks to a technicality I missed I wouldn’t be able to graduate without authorization of one of the meanest deans you’d ever put on this earth.

And for that scowling look in her eye after grilling me for what could not have been less than 15 minutes when she said “I don’t know why am doing this. Here” and chose not to put a big dent in my life.

For that beautiful spring day.

For the tears welling in my eyes right now.

For the realization Just two years ago sitting at this spot that none of it was about graduating, accomplishment, or success. That it was all about A lesson I could not have learned any other way – how real you are and how much you love us.

For the opportunity to actually offer some help to mom and dad‘s Business even though because I caused a few headaches as well.

For the arrogance I slipped into after. Because you had another lesson to teach me and it might have had to take just as long.

For being too good to start out at the bottom of a business when I had already been an office financial manager.

For rejection after rejection by potential employers that I didn’t understand.

For the stupidity I’m thinking I deserved to live downtown in $1000 a month one bedroom apartment without a solid anchor of a good job.

For the realization but I was going to lose my independence and have to spend my 30th birthday with my tail tucked between my legs living with my parents, regressing into absolute defeat.

For those two dolphins I saw in the harbor on my last walk around the city before going into exile.

I mean it. Thank you for the damage that has been done to me. That has helped make me who I am.

Thank you for forgiving me and for letting me forgive myself for betraying the lessons I had learned when I helped make and kill who I think would have been my daughter.

For Dave‘s choices that led him to need a roommate at a rate I actually could afford barely working on retainer in Columbia and selling my possessions to establish a toehold back in Charleston.

For a good solid year of that unique combination of stubbornness and humility that kept me going for a year until a new guy at a job firm was closing out old resumes and thought I would be a good fit at Xerox.

For the lesson I am still in the midst of learning based on how you operate that began when I took it. About comfort and stagnation and that life is a treadmill; staying comfortable and not pushing yourself makes you go backwards as the rest of the world goes forwards.

For getting fed up of not having many friends here that followed you And what must’ve been an amusing look on your face as you smiled down to me and gave me the brilliant idea that I might want to go back to church to find some.

For good people at my old job that saw to it I got a chance I had a place when I would learn all kinds of different lessons about life finally having a bad job experience.

For that May 14 four years ago when it once again fell on a Sunday and for the first time in years I dealt with the terror of being unemployed again; the tears in my eyes as the organ blared “A Mighty Fortress” with the congregation in song for the first and only time I had heard it live… and knew that you meant to reassure me in a way I could never explain to anyone else.

For weathering 2020 while recovering from damage all along that stubbornness did to me by not listening to a doctor that happened to annoy me. Because simply saying screw em, i’ll do what I want is not a good strategy when it comes to life and health decisions.

For the stupidity of believing after over a decade of not finding love that I was too old and crusty to be able to fall in love again after I broke heart after heart because I just didn’t care as much as the women did.

For the ecstatic highs and devastating lows of re-learning what being in love was.

For the desire that I admittedly must nurture to take stock of the blessings you have given me and know the obligation of sharing them with others.

For the rest of the lessons I’m still in the midst of learning.

For a good friend in a time of his and his family’s need to ever so coincidentally coincide with my need to find another day career path but one that coincided with what I truly want to do in life despite me not having a clue how to embark upon it.

For this really nice cigar. On a really nice unseasonably cool night in May.

For the gift of good health throughout my first 44 years, and the realization that I won’t always have it.

For so much more than I could ever Hope to remember no matter how long I stay in this beautiful cistern.

For the realization that I am blessed Beyond measure because you have taught me to learn even from my bad experiences… and make them part of turning me into a better person.

For the realization that I never need to let that go to my head. Then making good decisions in life always seems to require a combination of confidence and humility. Knowing that change is best done voluntarily before it is eventually forced upon someone.

For the understanding that the more I want answers the less I will be able to understand them.

For so many things. And especially…

Thanks for the cat.

Good for getting feelings out. Writing stuff and not sending/posting. Letting feelings marinate for a little while Before putting them out there. Great way of letting sadness or anger or any other temporary tone out, and only sending after a few hours if you still feel that way.

Ironically of all places hearing about that technique from freaking Family Guy. Really hope it’s Actually a thing. 😂

Tomorrow is May 14th. 21 years later. Just doesn’t seem to have the impact it used to, and in all honesty that’s probably a good thing. Really looking forward to not meaning so much because other dates are far more worth celebrating.

But tomorrow you will have your cigar and talk to God in the cistern. Lots of stuff as always. For several years now it’s been a holding pattern. Fears. Concerns. Patience. For nine years it was feeling stuck at an easy but low end job. And then the high stress bad fit. And last year wow locked down and unemployed.

This is the first year you’re really gonna be at the beginning of something. Starting out small. Expanding as you expand it. No one else is going to do it for you. Exciting. For the first time in a decade… exciting. The other thing you always prattle on about, well… yeah it’s a train wreck but when is it not?

That part will be normal. but at least you will no longer be paralyzed. It’s odd… looking in the news and all around you it’s bad news, but things in your life seem to be actually looking up. Environment is healthy. Just spending more time around the folks thanks to them helping you at work… that positivity. Really starting to make a living building possibility itself with a friend as he raises his young family.

Things just feel different. Even though you have felt more distant from God lately… you’re looking forward to tomorrow night. Hanging out with the old friend. The Holy Spirit. The part of God that’s stuck on earth being a guardian angel. Doesn’t get a Testament and doesn’t even get a name. In the past you called him the “drinking buddy”; though now that seems inappropriate.

You’re growing up. Slowly but surely. Taking your time. Somethings just are more important and somethings just aren’t as important.

No matter what feeling the warmth in your life again instead of a cold distance will do you well. Good long chat. Prayers for those you care about. Dodging the campus cops so you can smoke your cigar in peace now that they have that ridiculous no smoking policy on campus. 😂

Been thinking about that old old game boy game. Radar mission. A copy of “Battleship”. But with a separate mode so they could have their own game. The sound effects always stuck with you. To this day that’s what you hear in your mind when a missile is fired. The uplifting music of when you have almost won.

Will have to embed it later. Sleep calls. And even that’s doing better. You are so blessed. And want to share it with someone so bad.