The queen. The legend. The voice of love itself. You couldn’t help but like this song when you were a kid, but when it came on the speakers at the park when you were at work, you couldn’t help but dance. Frankly you still can’t. The lyrics as true now as they were then. Dammit. Whatevs. It’s The Supremes at the top, and Diana Ross. So many great songs of hers filled the car throughout your journeys, but this one was the first and best that latched on to you and wouldn’t let go. Your tastes in music in the 80’s actually stayed consistent – they were most all you knew – but it was the 90’s when everything began to get disjointed. You didn’t care. This came out in 1966 but it’s 90’s to you, and always will be. To be treasured. You wore out the tape.

So many Billy Joel songs, but this narrowly beats out Uptown Girl. Trying to keep it to just one song per artist. This one just seems subdued, but meets exactly what one would want from such a great rhythmic song. Aside from an almost invisible bass, the song is completely vocal. Billy Joel singing all of the parts overlaid. Lighthearted fun. Even the first attempt at karaoke you ever made. Fortunately that was just with a single machine at Flame’s house. She thought you were great. You pretended you weren’t off key.

Whatever. It’s your list. A shame Billy Joel won’t perform this one live anymore after he split with Christie Brinkley. Played in your head constantly at that first job, especially when you worked the tracks. But back then you cruised the park with a broom and dustpan, Adderall neurotically guiding you to rack up raise after raise attacking any trash like it was the Second Battle of the Marne. Odd that you were never close to that guy going after that girl…it was just the song. Whatever. It was great.

Listerine antiseptic. It says what it does, it does what it says. Right out of the Cool Mint Listerine commercial. Just fun. A carryover from middle school that never ran of out style in your retro music sphere. You felt it had a confident sound, and you loved fast-paced rhythms. You felt like swinging through jungles, but running through the woods had to suffice. That would have been sweet though.

In the mornings after you picked up your friend to go to school, in the Walkman when running, on the way to work, you name it. This. Specifically the live version. Heavy beats with flowing rhythm. Bordering on… gasp… country. But especially running. Blaring in your head silently during meets as you burst out of the woods. At the home Cross Country course that part always gave you a boost, which you sorely needed at that point during the meet.

Hauntingly beautiful. Used to remind you of Flame, but now it just reminds you of the youthful optimism you once had…and yet always can have. First ran into it in the movie. Without any Soundtrack (none was released…a heinous crime) and long before YouTube, there was no way to listen to it other than in your mind. Rewinding the tape at that part to listen over and over. You could play it in your head. Still can. Helps sometimes even today. It is never too late to do what you always could have done…

Occasionally something actually contemporary slipped through. Hanging out with the guys on the Cross Country team saw that happen on occasion. This one popped up on the Walkman as you ran the practices alone during class prep period on Fridays that Coach authorized since you needed to work Friday nights.

Driving around with Flame post-accident. You both loved the song, but in time, it began to be overplayed. Eventually, it came on one too many times for your taste and you turned it off. She asked why; you both liked it. You explained. She adopted the same attitude immediately. Not good. You knew even then.

It’s not your fault. With this beat and how easy it becomes an earworm, this was going straight into your favorites. So easy to run to and establish a rhythm with. So annoyingly fun. Seriously, you can’t listen to this song and sing along and not have fun. The second you heard it, you knew both the bad news and good news. Earworm. Early and often. That you’d just love. Reminded you of right angles. Building. You have no idea how though. Just wonderful.

Frankfurt, Germany. Last night of European history vacation with Dad over spring break. Headphones. Couldn’t sleep. Had loads of fun but was ready to come home. Another day and you would have gotten homesick. Got you excited for the prom. At least dancing. Senior year was finishing up and you were Charleston bound. Dreams of good times with great friends you hadn’t yet met.

…………………………………

There were so many. Songs. Memories. Places. Associations. This time was an era in your life, well defined. Bizarrely well-defined to be honest. Prior to the first job at the fun park, Cross Country, and being dragged out of your shell, it was more Aerosmith and Def Leppard. A weird stage from 92-94 as you were finally coming out of massive introversion from your accident and finally gaining the slightest level of independence. And then when Fall 95 hit, everything changed as you were away from home for the first time and your whole world opened up – for better and worse, as it is with growing up. Oddly enough, that’s when your interests widened to discover The Ventures, Enya, and a world of music tied to various sources of gaming. Soundtracks, Scores, and a world of creativity, along with the crashing realization that the rest of life would not be as easy to sleepwalk through and succeed at as high school.

Senior Year. You miss that time. Even more, you miss that you. Confident, capable, energetic. ESTJ. All American attitude. Winning smile. Maybe a bit too innocent, but not necessarily naïve. You’ve only felt like that – really felt like that – once in the past many years. In an airport. Before nervousness kicked in. The open realm of possibility – of knowing the future was going to be bright. Of enjoying the ride, but ready to return to what you dreamed the wonder of tomorrow would be like.

Find that kid. He can help. 🙂

You need sleep…

Sometimes it’s difficult to take an objective in battle. More often, it’s even more difficult to hold it. Especially when the battlefield is within one’s own mind. God knows this; that’s why the Holy Spirit is here and not in Heaven. We need God in our lives to win these battles, but even more importantly… to hold what we have won.

Some of our greatest weapons are counterintuitive. Peace. Joy. Temperance. Even humor. We don’t think of these as weapons because we don’t really understand what spiritual warfare is. We want to fight; that’s a world we understand. But ultimately conventional mindsets taken into a spiritual warfare are akin to bringing a knife to a phaser fight. In orbit.

In good old D&D, It was always interesting when a group had to travel through the Astral Plane on some adventure.  A silvery, shimmering plane of existence of pure thought.

Strength and dexterity scores were replaced by intelligence and wisdom scores. Suddenly the wizard’s fists hit like iron and it was the ostensibly powerful knights that would charge monsters only to find themselves getting pummeled when they swung their sword and didn’t have enough strength to pierce the monsters’ hides.

There are an awful lot of hills we can take in battle and then have all manner of struggle holding them. Especially when we are unfamiliar with how the battles are fought.

Maybe the first step is always remembering we had the strength to take the hill to begin with. Sometimes we might have to take it again. But He is with us… which is everything. With Him we can overcome any spiritual foe. Without Him, we are a knight being crushed on the Astral Plane.

Peace. Joy. Temperance. Those bastards haaaaaaaaate them. 😂

Conventional wisdom would tell us they are defenses – not weapons. They’re probably a bit of both, but thinking of them as weapons might be really useful just because it makes us realize the difference in the kind of battle we are fighting as we fight. 🤔

 Just some thoughts…



More than anything you want to profess your love for her. Not a try to sooth your feelings or fears. Because because it’s literally who you are and what you are meant to do. How you are meant to feel. Only twice before have you been “in love”. And neither in the last 20 years. Each the flights of fancy of youth.

But you know this is different. Not just more mature but… more aspects of love that age brings. There is a great desire for passion, but it doesn’t seem like it at first. Because there’s so much more to the love than just pass them like there used to be when you were younger and more filled with hormones and foolishness. There’s so much more to love now. Where passion is merely one part of True Fulfillment.

A more holistic aspect. You can actually see the world around you and know that there is so much more to the company of a fellow human being that you wish to join with and share her adventure through life. Oh, there is a desire for passion… words cannot even describe… But passion without meaning is nothing but the folly of youth. 

You literally want to delve into her darkness and help her fight her demons with your bare hands. You want to hold her and heal the wounds she never ought to have suffered. It makes you curse what happened to her even more… The pain that she has suffered and that has wounded her so deeply. But then again she wouldn’t be her – the one you love now otherwise. Yet again… Tapestry.

So there’s no way to know. But love… somehow means more. It means that you care for her well-being more than your own. And you never ever wonder why you are with her. On the contrary, you wonder what on earth she is doing with you because she is your better half, even if she can’t even comprehend it. She feels lucky she found you. You feel lucky you found her.

So storybook...

No wonder. You’ve delved into the creative aspect of storytelling for 24 years. Love it. Literary tropes.  understanding how heroism in the West differs from one millennia to the next.

Arthur versus Achilles. Nelson versus Themistocles. Who are you amongst such legends? No one. Literally no one.

You literally just want the basics. A woman to love. Cause to fight for. Kids would be nice, but you forfeited that long ago. 

What would you give for her? Obviously the answer isn’t “anything” because you’re not young and stupid anymore. You are older and a little bit less stupid.

If “she” doesn’t know what she wants, she isn’t ready to want you. Hysterical that you learned this lesson in college and even before graduation had it hardwired to dismiss such women. It was never your job to rescue anyone from Stockholm.

You’ve moved past many. It’s a simple and good rule. You just weren’t prepared for a woman that broke the rules.

Whatever. You have chased her for five years, going on six. You know she’s the one. But she settles. And you won’t. If you lived in the same city, the issue would have been decided in your favor long ago.

Will you still pine for her in 5 1/2 more years? By her claim, her time is more limited than yours. The arrogant part of you screams at you to ask “why are you wasting our time???” and honestly you do need to listen to him more often… just not here.

There’s even that dark part of you desperate to find meaning where you can’t find any… that wonders if it’s all an act; some sick game. To what end you don’t know other than to hurt you somehow. But it’s nonsensical and borne only from pain. Even more, it’s insulting to her. So stifle your paranoia. She loves you.

You console yourself with the fact that right here and right now, nothing could happen without her committing  over a month to see you, and her job would not permit that. Won’t be that way forever. Things will normalize soon. You will be back in the swing of things and able to date again soon too.

And you will try your best, as you did before. Yay. 🙄

But your problem is…very clear to you.  In relationships, there are people who reach and people who settle. Sometimes both reach and sometimes both settle, but usually it’s one of the other. At least according to a show you enjoyed once. 🤔

Call it pride, call it arrogance, call it anything you want. You have absolutely no interest in settling. What would it even be like – dating to settle? 

Crown? The only reason you don’t seethe at her lies is because she’s not around to seethe at. She killed herself with alcohol. Crow hates the reference so you don’t use it… but you can’t help but wonder if the former was His preparation for holding true through the latter’s trials. You don’t know. Can’t even care. Situations honestly are so radically different, even though the obstacle is the same.

Whatever. Maybe you’re just wrong. You Can’t even comprehend it but maybe you are. Maybe despite trying to purge arrogance in your heart you left too much… but that doesn’t make any sense.

Nothing makes sense. You’re either right or you’re wrong. But what you need to get through your thick skull is that it doesn’t matter. 

She matters. And no matter what you think… you have got to start putting things in the right boxes, because if you are wrong… you’ll never know and die alone. 

It’s either that, settle, or wait – pretending you don’t “know” what you “know”. And assuming you’re not wrong, it never would’ve even entered your thought process prior to when you bet everything on her and went out on that limb only for it to collapse and crush what was left of your old heart.

Whatever. Put your trust in God. He knows what’s best for her. May His Will be done; not yours. You’ve already given her one heart. Your new one is better armored, but how eager you are to give it to her as well…

That’s got to change. And to soothe your certainty, maybe only for the time being… but it has got to change. 

You will never Settle. Ever. But if you’re wrong… it wouldn’t necessarily be settling, would it? Whatever.

You’re tired. So tired. You can’t keep doing this. When she hurts you and she’s not even trying… your heart is in too deep. It is either not meant to be, or not meant to be for now...

So get your head out of your ass and realize it.

His Will. Not yours. His. And quit being so damn melodramatic. If she’s right, it’s beneath you; if not… still a good idea.

Stop babbling. Sleep.

All hands on deck. Call to arms. Beat to quarters. Whatever you prefer. 2020 hit everyone badly and you for one spent it reeling. Fears of cognitive damage. Inability to master learning as you once did. Feelings of helplessness and fears of failing Him abounded.

Bright side: that was everyone. More or less. Everyone had nemeses that were stronger last year. And reality rarely confines dark times to our little pet Measurements of time. What will make 2021 better than 2020?

ROFLMAO…. you have no idea.

So might as well go in fighting.

For what you want. For what you dream possible. You have no direction. Nothing to fuel your greater nature. Woe was you in 2020. Woe was everyone.

Now is time to fight. Your hopes. Your dreams. You’ve walked the wrong way on a mountain trying to climb it and FINALLY felt that anger. That sweet, beautiful anger that defines the standards that you insist you hold true to and had fallen from.

And you beat that mountain. But that rush. That feeling. That passion. In that moment of abject stupidity and failure after already failing the day before…

That long forgotten companion. Screwed up on a report? Stay late to beat the crap out of a problem hounding you. Fucking FIGHT.

For a win when you feel you’re losing. When you’re wounded, be it physically, spiritually, or cognitively.

For your dreams. For your loves. Be who you fucking ARE again, Atreyu. And no, it’s not going to happen tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after.

Pound that drum. Every. Single. Day. For what you believe in. For what you desire more than air to breathe.

For her? Yes. She is you. In your very veins. You must be ready. And you will be. She doesn’t need potential. She needs fucking Warspite.

So be Warspite. NO. BE CONSTITUTION – you’re not in the mood to admire one of her majesty’s subjects, whose spirit could only have come from a former life as a proud American champion.

LOL does it matter in a world where all are children before the God of the Universe?

Yes. It does. It matters to fight for what you believe in. Even if you’re scared to death. ESPECIALLY if you’re scared to death.

This is the year you will rebalance. Or begin to. As God sees fit. For your sake. For the sake of those you Love. For His purpose – and everything in between.

You can’t read. Fuck it. Read anyway.

You can’t study. Fuck it. Study like a scared Senior with something to prove.

You can’t succeed. Fuck it. Laugh as you do it anyway.

You can’t hold her in your arms. Fuck it. You Will. This Year. Whoever She is…. It’s time to fight for her.

You have been your lesser half too long. 2021…. whatever it brings you… is another time. Another opportunity.

You know who you are. Quit hiding. You have the Old Ironsides you choose to, and the tenacity that Warspite would shine upon you – IF……

YOU. CHOOSE. TO. SEIZE. THE. DAY.

And today… Is a good day to seize! 😊

Praise be to God. You are beyond blessed and that blessing won’t share itself…

Seize. The. Day. 👊😊

#1:



So much noble sentiment. So much you get. So much you see clear as day. So much is part of you. Sometimes it makes it difficult to see parts of the horizon you sailed past long ago. The questions you asked; the certainty you sought. It wasn’t nearly to the level of others, but you did have those questions. The difference was the times in your life where you saw plain as day the Truth and could only comprehend what it meant for you when it did. That was enough. 

Even now you really don’t feel much pulling you towards church and fellowship; two things that you know are very important to you in your journey. That’s gonna have to change. Covid’s making too many people comfortable being hermits. You’re not really the gregarious guy jumping into crowds, but you sure need to miss the normalcy of other people. Small groups. Friends. Etc. it’s who you are, and who you will be as soon as everything gets normalized again.

In the meantime take heart from the miscellaneous bits of inspiration and draw strength from them. 

You are out of alignment now and there’s no reason to pretend otherwise. Things will be fine soon, just focus on what’s important And let Him guide you – and remember you’re not immune to anything. 🤔

Try to rest. Big week ahead.

We all have some, especially once you pass 30. Things that make ordinarily rational and kind people go off on weird tangents… that really made no sense until you consider the greater context of things in peoples lives.

Well you certainly haven’t felt cold, callous, or petty on a while. Give yourself a little credit though. At least you realized it the second it happened. You felt that cold, Unfamiliar feeling… and yet could recognize it instantly.

You… but not. A part of you wounded long ago. It healed, maybe it was just a flicker of something else...

Flame’s oldest daughter got robbed. She was freaking out. First instinct was prayer as always, for Him to be with someone in need.

And holy crap if the first thing that popped into your head wasn’t baggage. 😔

She left you. Five years off and on is a lot when you’re 22. After getting out of college you were planning on proposing, but some jackass who lived an hour and a half closer weaseled his way into her life and she left. She got knocked up and was married before the end of the year.

And now the kid’s a sweet 20 year old in the army reserve working to be a baker’s assistant. Good for her. Flame is proud of her; For good reason even on top of that level where any parent would be proud of a good kid.

And when it comes time to reflexively pray, you find that part of you that’s one rat bastard. All of a sudden it was hard to pray because it was her kid with jackass. Was it supposed to be your kid with her? Probably not. But old wounds bubbled up to the surface. You remembered how much it hurt. The deep pain you suffered that was nothing really in retrospect…. it was just the first time, and oh did it hurt…

Now, so many years later none of that matters. You’re a different person, you’ve grown a lot; older, wiser, and more mature. You giggle when you think of how childish you were, but you were still a kid. That’s normal.

You just weren’t expecting that cold hand to reach out and try to rob you of empathy. It was crazy. For a second you literally didn’t give a shit. It has nothing to do with you. She has beyond nothing to do with any issues that happened back then; nothing could possibly be her fault, and yet here you were… Having difficulty praying for her when she was robbed thanks to momentary bitterness from 20 years earlier.

Fascinating.

You really don’t like her talking about her kids for many reasons, but it was easy for you to handle when you thought she was happy all these years. Now you find out she was miserable six months in and it’s only gotten worse since. And there has never been one ounce of interest on your end to even jab at her for leaving. Good Lord she has suffered far longer from horrible treatment than you did even when overly dramatic 22year old you cried yourself to sleep missing her.

Chances are it wouldn’t of worked out had y’all stayed together back then (because it didn’t), But it doesn’t change the facts on the ground.

You’re a jackass. Well, that corner of you is. It would be so much different if you did have kids of your own. You had been itching to take Celt and her daughter to see the lights for months. You got to cosplay as a parent, lol. 

Wife. Kids. Picket Fence. Being a Griswold. All denied. Maybe that cold that got in the way of praying wasn’t a residual bit of leftover pain from being an immature kid… maybe it’s the fact that Christmas is tomorrow. Thank God you still have two folks to go and visit, but damn if you just so want to bring your fiancé to visit. Or your little kids. Just once. Or hell, your fiancé and her kids from a former marriage – if it was any one but Flame’s.

See that cold, petty jackass?  See him? What, you think you’re too good to not be victim to callousness? Pettiness? Screw you for not being my daughter?

Deep down… given your baggage… you actually do have an excuse to have it. Seems to be the story of your life that the things you want the most so many others have and don’t appreciate.

It’s sick. Twisted. You’d treat your wife beautifully. You’ve waited too long to treat her any other way. You feel like you’d be an amazing dad; you had wonderful examples. Teaching and learning at the same time. Instilling discipline while fostering creativity. And instead you watch dysfunction in women’s lives all around you.

And if you had a wife and kids… these doldrums would be over – by necessity. That’s rocket fuel to a good man who needs a cause. You’d have different problems, sure, but those kinds of problems you struggle with much less than the ones you have now. 

Envy. You hate it. Don’t usually get bit by it. But no… it’s not different because you want something good, to benefit others, etc. Thank God it overplayed its hand and you saw it… now you know you’re battling it.

We all have that part of us that’s petty and bitter.  My goodness it is so much easier when it just comes across as wrong as it did so you see it for what it is… and then wonder how often it tricks you when you don’t see it.

Whatever. You prayed for warmth. Forgiveness. While giggling, lolz… hey if you can’t laugh at yourself when you do stupid things? And when the soul was clean, prayer for Flame’s girl were as natural as if she actually was yours.

All of this is so minuscule. So trivial. There are so many people out there with so many bigger problems. But admitting where are you are weak is the first step in understanding where are you are strong.

You’re not really sure about in the future if you’ll ever even meet her kids in person. That bitter guy inside has no interest in meeting them, even though they mean the world to Flame.

Goodness knows if they disrespected their mother the way she claims they do on occasion… in front of you? Yeah you’d open your mouth and Granny would come out…😡

You don’t even mean to think about them. It’s your wife and kids you want to think about – but there’s no one there. You certainly don’t regret not having kids with the wrong woman; seen it. It’s ugly.

The right one though… wherever she is, chances are kids aren’t a possibility anymore. Whatever, that’s fine. It’s not like you deserve one.

Acknowledge the wound. Recognize that it’s deeper than you realize. Can deeply bother you in conversations if you’re hit the wrong way. First step is to admit the problem. You don’t know where it goes from here…

But at least that one rat bastard can’t hide anymore. 😊

Don’t really care right this second either. Your 43rd Christmas as ‘the kid’ begins tomorrow. And both of your parents are still alive, so you’re a jackass if you complain about it.

One of these days you’ll at least be able to hold your other half in your arms. She will be all the family you really need. Might not be as you envisioned it when you were a kid, but… things just weren’t meant to be that way. Thank goodness you didn’t make a mistake with someone not right for you though.

It could always be worse. Now go find ways to make it better. And next time just enjoy the fact the little girls were thrilled to see the lights; Don’t let it beat you up so much.🙂

So weird, what gives one stress. Two phone appointments with good folks interested in helping you today, the first one paid, the second one a good friend of dad’s who is a motivational speaker and mentor. Reading in the book about Live Visioning and trying to gain wisdom and insight into understanding what areas to target to gravitate towards a path more suited to your ‘hunter mindset’. Signing up with various job services to hunt things temporarily. Amazon already blowing up your phone. Trying to isolate an exercise group that would help you get into a better overall physical shape to sharpen your mind. One you found is free, does Christian fellowship with fitness, and highly recommended by a friend. But…very, very early in the morning. And no women.

One of those is problematic, lol.

But damn if right now you didn’t hang up the phone last and not all of a sudden become instantly aware of your stomach being in knots and a weight being lifted by your lungs. FFS… WHY?

I mean you know these folks. You’re doing what you’re supposed to. Learning, putting yourself out there, all manner of things you’ve done before. It seemed a heck of a lot scarier last time too. And… while you have confidence issues with making mistakes, you’re addressing it – doing what you’re supposed to do. So why all the knots? The deep breath release when you hung up the phone and stress you didn’t even realize you were having?

Nichelle Nichols was gawjuss back in the day. Maybe she’s the reason a small part of you has an odd attraction to black women in good shape that have beautiful smiles. Nothing like with cute redheads, but it was rather difficult for you to not want to ask out a certain supervisor of yours at Xerox back in the day…

So irritating that your favorite episode of the old Star Trek – The Doomsday Machine – didn’t have Nichelle in it. The episode was a classic, and though remastered, you love the original special effects. For the Doomsday Machine itself…not the model used for the USS Constellation. Though the hilarity for how bad the mock up was does sort of get in the way of how menacing the Doomsday Machine itself was.

It was just a windsock dipped in paper mache, with a sparkler within. But it looked to you when you watched it as a kid like a literal Eye Of Fire. That thing, coming at the stalwart Captain Kirk, in between eating freaking planets… It didn’t “scare” you, but wow when you think about the first time you actually felt any tension, it probably came from TV (you were a happy go lucky kid). Darned if it probably came from this episode – the first episode you actually remembered.

The music at the end, as Kirk stared into the Eye of Oblivion with the “my clothes are so tight because of the gravitational field caused by my huge balls” look on Shatner’s face as he stood there, helpless. He’d already won. The Planet Killer was itself doomed. Set the charges and Scotty frantically repairs the transporter to get him out before the improvised bomb goes off, blowing apart the Enterprise’s twin inside the Machine. Spock calmly calling out exceptionally unhelpful suggestions to Scotty as he metaphorically attaches wires with gum and duct tape with not a second to spare. Kirk finally cracks a note of concern “Gentlemen I suggest you beam me aboard” brilliantly. Oh, he gets it. He’s not some “I’m a badass not scared of anything!”, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to give a hint that he’s not completely in charge of the situation, even when it’s the exact opposite.

But the real hero of the scene was Sol Kaplan, who frankly deserved to be a bazillionaire after John Williams basically ripped off the score for “Jaws”. For literally 35 years, in the back of your mind, that sound is what stress/anxiety/you name it… “sounded like”. Literally the only thing that needed remastering was the dorking little model of the Enterprise they banged up for the Constellation since they couldn’t ding the master filming model.

Damn you can still feel it. You love this scene. Especially the music. Because it strikes perfectly in exactly what it was going for. So much so that you almost subconsciously “hear it”? Feel it? in your stomach and lungs even today. As perfect as you find it a fit for the moment in the episode, you actually like it in general. Sounds fun in a weird way. Like you would LOVE to be able to somehow use it in a tense scene in D&D for the players to ratchet up tension to 11… but there’s no way to because of how “in-character” and “out of character” time work. Only way to do it would be to loop it and put it on low in the background, but that would be a little too subtle. “Da na da na da na da na….” isn’t supposed to be subtle in the background… it is IN. YOUR. FACE. AND. ABOUT. TO. EAT. YOUR. PLANET. Lolz

Now?

An Entire week has passed since you left off this draft… well naturally because you didn’t have the pressure of another appointment. Until today. And the knots appear again….

So much to Process. You’re not doing nothing but it sure doesn’t feel that way. The bad news is this is not a recipe for success. But the good news is… It literally can change it in an instant.

Take heart from that. And write more… this is good for you. 🙂

They are beautiful, aren’t they? Sure would be nice. If they were yours, but they aren’t. You don’t know, you just… know.  Too beautiful… placid. Conventional. Why?

Beautiful melodies but in an ethereal (no pun intended) Melody with just enough beautiful, coordinated discordance that it sounds just foreign enough.

It’s really not fair. All manner of things that aren’t fair. Pretty much every aspect of your life that doesn’t have to do with love… unfair. In your favor.

Alcoholism killed your grandfather, From what dad said blissfully before you were born. Jackass wife-beating POS. Although fascinatingly just maybe two years ago dad mentioned that he had paranoid schizo tendencies and once even allowed himself to be hospitalized. Well for a little while. Always thought someone was after him. Hated Jews. The town drunk. Dad was the star running back of the football team and the bastard only showed up wants to watch his son play – and booed him.

Probably could tell even then how amazing the man would end up being and could see nothing but jealousy for him. Drinking himself to hatred of his own son.

A former army cook in World War II. The only picture you ever saw of him was terrifying because of how much he looked like dad – but… like his opposite. Evil doppelgänger. Because dad swore he would never be like him.

How many of your freaking blessings came from the town drunk’s effect on your dad? Bizarre.

Like when Crow mentioned what you had always wondered about Judas since you were a kid… wondering whether or not his duplicity was not just part of God’s plan, But like he had been “assigned” the task to make sure Jesus could die for our sins…

So funny that she brought that up when it was literally something that weighed on your heart when you were a kid but later buried because you always prefer questions to answers.

So, your wife beating jackass grandfather… hysterical because you grew up calling your father “daddy” because he was insecure with being called “dad” because that’s what he called the jackass. So funny that kids at school making fun of you in like the sixth grade for still calling him “daddy” made you have one of the first adult conversations, ask him to call him “dad”.

Who the hell was this guy? Died at age 59 before you were born. Not even sure if mom met him, but probably not because dad would not have cared for that too much. Whatever. Dad even today is terrified you carry the gene of vulnerability to alcoholism that doomed your granddad.

Nope. Blessed. Yet again…

The exact opposite effect. A desire to celebrate. To praise God. To sing. Dance. Love. Inspire.  The idea of hurting anything other than inanimate objects in this state of mind is foreign.

No wonder you can’t comprehend what alcoholism is. The worst thing alcohol leads you to is a hangover after having a wonderful evening enjoying YouTube, remixes of clair de lune, colorful disco balls, and the company of nothing but two cats and a deity.

Blessings.

Why is it this way for you? And yet… so destructive for her?  You’re not a genius but you’re not stupid, either. You understand enough to see the truth… and there’s not a damn thing you can do but be thankful for the toehold of Sunday mornings.

How quickly you would give up this blessing for her to give up her curse… yet another thing you would give...

You’ve been steering clear for a few reasons. Because you didn’t want to stand in God’s way with your own biases. And yet… figuring out what He wants continues to be an exercise in 12-D chess. Just enough unintentional barbs hitting your baggage to push you away.

Come on. Seriously. It’s His time. To speak to her. She is listening isn’t she? She is seeking Him with all of her heart, From Jeremiah 29:13, isn’t she? What do you have to offer? Generic “beginner level” Platitudes from someone who can’t even read the Bible without help to bounce it off of?

Claire de Lune. You do like this version. It’s not your song though. Not your end credits. It will be so beautiful if one day it was hers though… when it’s time. As in long from now. The gorgeous melodies and tones can’t hold a candle to the beauty you see in her soul, so there’s probably something better. End credits for Home. Has she ever heard hers before? It’s so odd, even now what she treats as fact in how she knows you, you still hold reservations on. Which is quite ironic because deep down in the tiniest corner of your soul… something lines up with it.

So what’s with all the doubt? Is it doubt? Or is it something else? An almost instinctive ordering of priority? Do you doubt that there was a past? Or is there a part of you that might acknowledge it but refuse to give attention to it because it opens the door to failing again and being stuck?

Goodness can you imagine what it would be like to have to go around again? Would people even be people a century from now? Would they be born with implants like a Star Trek villain? Born into a collapsed world right out of Orwell where conformity of thought is demanded by those who know better? Maybe even your thoughts could be monitored like social media algorithms do now… and you get your food ration if you agree with what the corporations tell you to agree with? It’s not like social credit systems aren’t being mentioned here and there in authoritarian circles.

LOL, yeah… you were a kid in the 80s, teen in the 90s, saw the birth of the Internet after the first death of communism. even in just the time you have lived you have been so blessed.

The very idea of going around again 100 years from now? Yeah no thanks. Especially when you have your desires set on Being With God. The Next Life.

So beautiful, peaceful, and not likely to be lobotomized by implants, lol…

Beautiful colors… disco ball… 😂 Just a slight blessed buzz… what do you need anything else for? The warmth of the music caresses your shoulders. The echo of the notes massage your spirit. It’s not fair. Of course it’s not fair.

It’s so easy for you. Feeling all the blessings of your life. Two wonderful parents that raised you to know where they came from so you could be thankful for them, realizing you were going to have to fight the part of you that was spoiled. Don’t ever act like you’re home free though – you know how quickly you can fall. How quickly you have fallen.

It’s not like you aren’t one hell of a sinner. Who isn’t? Stay grounded. Thirst for the Word. Seriously – Why would you not? What’s wrong?

What’s wrong?

It’s the music. It’s not your end credits.

It’s not hers either. It is nice and peaceful though. 🙂 Maybe it once was… who knows…

In a past that doesn’t matter unless there’s a part that you could learn from to not repeat mistakes… 🤔

What do you would give… to share this moment with her…

And for the first time in…years… you actually don’t know what accent Love speaks with in said desire…

Lord, please watch over her in her time of need. Comfort her lungs when they tighten without her noticing as stress seeks to strangle her. May the traffic make it a slight pain to swing by the red dots on the way home. Just enough to remind her… to give her a little bit more strength to consider another cat tower…

If your pattern holds true, something will end up happening soon to drive this heart straight to her. As it always does when it finds freedom from growing weak at the sight of her smile.

Last time it was a dream of a mansion and turning away from riches for her; as if wealth could hold a candle to happiness. 😂

 thank you for the wisdom imparted to me that I don’t have to have a clue how your stupid plan works 😂 I just need to have faith in You, and it will.

Let my heart bathe in the warmth of the peace of mind of Faith… it doesn’t have to understand anything to know your Love surrounds each and every one of us… we just need to breathe it in….

And thanks for the cat. 🙂