As always.

Friday nights…

More Psalms. The tough ones. Book III. Regret. Forgiveness. Love.

Please forgive my trespasses, Lord. I fall short, but must never cease trying. I felt horrible about it even before it was over. I just wanted Flame to leave. The last day I didn’t want anymore of it, and just wanted your grace to forgive my guilt.

Forgive me so that guilt may leave me; it obstructs me on a night I need a clear voice. 

Please let beloved Crow find You, Lord. Please help her find tomorrow. Her angry taunts plagued me all day. I pray for her to choose tomorrow, and have terrible fears that she will leave. But there is nothing I can say, and her anger won’t subside.

Please hold her in your arms every moment I can’t hold her in mine. I don’t care if she hates me forever, just give her more time to find you. And please let my mind be at peace.

I’m not responsible for any of the corners closing in on her; the cancers in her life and her decisions led her there long before we grew close... but sometimes it sure doesn’t feel that way.

If given the opportunity I wanted to be part of her finding that which has alluded her for so long.

She knows how much I want for her, how much I want to be with her, and what I would give to make her happy…

…and for over five years, I have been crushed as she has chosen the cancers over what I wanted to give her. Or at least what I wanted her to find.

But I am nothing when it comes to what I want for her in finding You, and my love and pain has blinded me far too often. Now it has been joined by my frustration. And here we are.

Take whatever you need. Save her. Please. I don’t even care how. Give her something. Anything. To guide her to you.

That has never been me. I am no guide. Merely a fellow broken traveler that leads himself astray too often. Only you can guide her – and only if she is willing to give You a chance.

Please let her anger be with me, not you. I didn’t wrong her, but that isn’t good enough. Just be with her. Hold her. Guide her. And please do the same for me.

Even in what seems like it might be the darkest hour… I have faith in this woman. To be courageous. Wise. Strong. Happy.

Her brightest days are yet to come, filled with love and laughter; caring and understanding. 

Even tonight. Even now.

I read the words from Psalms 91 as if she could hear them.

Because I have faith in her.

—

I will say concerning the Lord, who is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust:

He himself will rescue you from the bird trap, from the destructive plague.

He will cover you with his feathers; you will take refuge under his wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield.

You will not fear the terror of the night, the arrow that flies by day, the plague that stalks in darkness, or the pestilence that ravages at noon.

Though a thousand fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, the pestilence will not reach you.

You will only see it with your eyes and witness the punishment of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord – my refuge, The Most High – your dwelling place, no harm will come to you; no plague will come near your tent.

For he will give his angels orders concerning you, to protect you in all your ways.

They will support you with their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the young lion and the serpent.

—

Please. Hold her in your arms tonight, Lord. Bless her as you have blessed me. She is sacred to me.

She has always been.

In Jesus’ name, amen.



She just doesn’t know

what she does to me.

All I know

is that I love it

when she makes me feel this way.

She is magnificent.

I only wish

she knew how.

Billy Joel was a prophet.



Just so tired. The cloudy, chilly days begin to give way to warm, sunny days of renewal. Moving forward is all around you. A 44th birthday approaches. Another notification for another book for tomorrow. Start out small. Humble. As with any new job. But just so tired. Become less tired. Find new energy. Find new life...

It’s a new day. For you, and more than one of those close to you. Every day will have highs and lows, but a new day is a new day. Notice the context.

“New Day”… is a term of optimism. Interesting. 🤔

Blessings bestowed on us. Things to be thankful for. Answers for questions on decisions needed to be made.

Start off strong. No reason not to. And give thanks for every New Day to God. Let Him guide you. Across seas stormy and steady. Breathe deep into the mask. Sleep will come. Cool breezes. New ideas.

The sky is the limit. 🙂

It really is. Maybe the only thing that’s easy. So easy you have to be careful.

Telling her that you love her. It just… feels so good.

It’s not just something you say. Sometimes you try to pass it off that way, make it less formal. “Love Ya” is a good go-to. But even then, it just feels so good to say it to her. Not just because it’s true, or feels natural – even though both are the case.

Sigh. You really need to be careful.😕

Keep the order straight. The Dove comes first. Then the Azalea. Then the Rose. Quit forgetting. Please quit forgetting. You are not what matters. Her finding Jesus – and Home is. It matters so much.

Because you love her so much.

Aaaaaand that’s what we call a feedback loop. Which means only one thing – LOL yeah you’re gonna need His help on this one. 😂

It’s not like you don’t have feeling for anyone else. You care for Flame a great deal. But you haven’t said those words to her since she found you again outside “part of you always would”.

You don’t know what to think about that. So remember what you heard this morning, and try to get closer to Him in your daily life. Try to invite Him into everything you do.

In supply side economics, people always fixate on the political aspect and not the economic one.

Basic layman’s economic understanding is the line where demand meets the supply, and you move along those points on supply curve. The lower the supply, the higher the price. So logically you would want to maximize the yield. If the first number is the Number of people willing to buy something at the price (represented by the second number)…

1×9

2×8

3×7

4×6

5×5

6×4

7×3

8×2

9×1

You charge five dollars. Five people will buy it. Maximizes the inflow.

But that’s moving along the points on a static curve. When you focus on shifting the whole curve itself… that’s when things start getting amazing. 🙂

Maybe that’s what happened with your heart. Maybe not. But focus on helping her shift the whole curve, not just find more comfortable points along it.

Because it feels so good to tell her you love her.

🕊🌷🌹



The queen. The legend. The voice of love itself. You couldn’t help but like this song when you were a kid, but when it came on the speakers at the park when you were at work, you couldn’t help but dance. Frankly you still can’t. The lyrics as true now as they were then. Dammit. Whatevs. It’s The Supremes at the top, and Diana Ross. So many great songs of hers filled the car throughout your journeys, but this one was the first and best that latched on to you and wouldn’t let go. Your tastes in music in the 80’s actually stayed consistent – they were most all you knew – but it was the 90’s when everything began to get disjointed. You didn’t care. This came out in 1966 but it’s 90’s to you, and always will be. To be treasured. You wore out the tape.

So many Billy Joel songs, but this narrowly beats out Uptown Girl. Trying to keep it to just one song per artist. This one just seems subdued, but meets exactly what one would want from such a great rhythmic song. Aside from an almost invisible bass, the song is completely vocal. Billy Joel singing all of the parts overlaid. Lighthearted fun. Even the first attempt at karaoke you ever made. Fortunately that was just with a single machine at Flame’s house. She thought you were great. You pretended you weren’t off key.

Whatever. It’s your list. A shame Billy Joel won’t perform this one live anymore after he split with Christie Brinkley. Played in your head constantly at that first job, especially when you worked the tracks. But back then you cruised the park with a broom and dustpan, Adderall neurotically guiding you to rack up raise after raise attacking any trash like it was the Second Battle of the Marne. Odd that you were never close to that guy going after that girl…it was just the song. Whatever. It was great.

Listerine antiseptic. It says what it does, it does what it says. Right out of the Cool Mint Listerine commercial. Just fun. A carryover from middle school that never ran of out style in your retro music sphere. You felt it had a confident sound, and you loved fast-paced rhythms. You felt like swinging through jungles, but running through the woods had to suffice. That would have been sweet though.

In the mornings after you picked up your friend to go to school, in the Walkman when running, on the way to work, you name it. This. Specifically the live version. Heavy beats with flowing rhythm. Bordering on… gasp… country. But especially running. Blaring in your head silently during meets as you burst out of the woods. At the home Cross Country course that part always gave you a boost, which you sorely needed at that point during the meet.

Hauntingly beautiful. Used to remind you of Flame, but now it just reminds you of the youthful optimism you once had…and yet always can have. First ran into it in the movie. Without any Soundtrack (none was released…a heinous crime) and long before YouTube, there was no way to listen to it other than in your mind. Rewinding the tape at that part to listen over and over. You could play it in your head. Still can. Helps sometimes even today. It is never too late to do what you always could have done…

Occasionally something actually contemporary slipped through. Hanging out with the guys on the Cross Country team saw that happen on occasion. This one popped up on the Walkman as you ran the practices alone during class prep period on Fridays that Coach authorized since you needed to work Friday nights.

Driving around with Flame post-accident. You both loved the song, but in time, it began to be overplayed. Eventually, it came on one too many times for your taste and you turned it off. She asked why; you both liked it. You explained. She adopted the same attitude immediately. Not good. You knew even then.

It’s not your fault. With this beat and how easy it becomes an earworm, this was going straight into your favorites. So easy to run to and establish a rhythm with. So annoyingly fun. Seriously, you can’t listen to this song and sing along and not have fun. The second you heard it, you knew both the bad news and good news. Earworm. Early and often. That you’d just love. Reminded you of right angles. Building. You have no idea how though. Just wonderful.

Frankfurt, Germany. Last night of European history vacation with Dad over spring break. Headphones. Couldn’t sleep. Had loads of fun but was ready to come home. Another day and you would have gotten homesick. Got you excited for the prom. At least dancing. Senior year was finishing up and you were Charleston bound. Dreams of good times with great friends you hadn’t yet met.

…………………………………

There were so many. Songs. Memories. Places. Associations. This time was an era in your life, well defined. Bizarrely well-defined to be honest. Prior to the first job at the fun park, Cross Country, and being dragged out of your shell, it was more Aerosmith and Def Leppard. A weird stage from 92-94 as you were finally coming out of massive introversion from your accident and finally gaining the slightest level of independence. And then when Fall 95 hit, everything changed as you were away from home for the first time and your whole world opened up – for better and worse, as it is with growing up. Oddly enough, that’s when your interests widened to discover The Ventures, Enya, and a world of music tied to various sources of gaming. Soundtracks, Scores, and a world of creativity, along with the crashing realization that the rest of life would not be as easy to sleepwalk through and succeed at as high school.

Senior Year. You miss that time. Even more, you miss that you. Confident, capable, energetic. ESTJ. All American attitude. Winning smile. Maybe a bit too innocent, but not necessarily naïve. You’ve only felt like that – really felt like that – once in the past many years. In an airport. Before nervousness kicked in. The open realm of possibility – of knowing the future was going to be bright. Of enjoying the ride, but ready to return to what you dreamed the wonder of tomorrow would be like.

Find that kid. He can help. 🙂

You need sleep…

Sometimes it’s difficult to take an objective in battle. More often, it’s even more difficult to hold it. Especially when the battlefield is within one’s own mind. God knows this; that’s why the Holy Spirit is here and not in Heaven. We need God in our lives to win these battles, but even more importantly… to hold what we have won.

Some of our greatest weapons are counterintuitive. Peace. Joy. Temperance. Even humor. We don’t think of these as weapons because we don’t really understand what spiritual warfare is. We want to fight; that’s a world we understand. But ultimately conventional mindsets taken into a spiritual warfare are akin to bringing a knife to a phaser fight. In orbit.

In good old D&D, It was always interesting when a group had to travel through the Astral Plane on some adventure.  A silvery, shimmering plane of existence of pure thought.

Strength and dexterity scores were replaced by intelligence and wisdom scores. Suddenly the wizard’s fists hit like iron and it was the ostensibly powerful knights that would charge monsters only to find themselves getting pummeled when they swung their sword and didn’t have enough strength to pierce the monsters’ hides.

There are an awful lot of hills we can take in battle and then have all manner of struggle holding them. Especially when we are unfamiliar with how the battles are fought.

Maybe the first step is always remembering we had the strength to take the hill to begin with. Sometimes we might have to take it again. But He is with us… which is everything. With Him we can overcome any spiritual foe. Without Him, we are a knight being crushed on the Astral Plane.

Peace. Joy. Temperance. Those bastards haaaaaaaaate them. 😂

Conventional wisdom would tell us they are defenses – not weapons. They’re probably a bit of both, but thinking of them as weapons might be really useful just because it makes us realize the difference in the kind of battle we are fighting as we fight. 🤔

 Just some thoughts…



More than anything you want to profess your love for her. Not a try to sooth your feelings or fears. Because because it’s literally who you are and what you are meant to do. How you are meant to feel. Only twice before have you been “in love”. And neither in the last 20 years. Each the flights of fancy of youth.

But you know this is different. Not just more mature but… more aspects of love that age brings. There is a great desire for passion, but it doesn’t seem like it at first. Because there’s so much more to the love than just pass them like there used to be when you were younger and more filled with hormones and foolishness. There’s so much more to love now. Where passion is merely one part of True Fulfillment.

A more holistic aspect. You can actually see the world around you and know that there is so much more to the company of a fellow human being that you wish to join with and share her adventure through life. Oh, there is a desire for passion… words cannot even describe… But passion without meaning is nothing but the folly of youth. 

You literally want to delve into her darkness and help her fight her demons with your bare hands. You want to hold her and heal the wounds she never ought to have suffered. It makes you curse what happened to her even more… The pain that she has suffered and that has wounded her so deeply. But then again she wouldn’t be her – the one you love now otherwise. Yet again… Tapestry.

So there’s no way to know. But love… somehow means more. It means that you care for her well-being more than your own. And you never ever wonder why you are with her. On the contrary, you wonder what on earth she is doing with you because she is your better half, even if she can’t even comprehend it. She feels lucky she found you. You feel lucky you found her.

So storybook...

No wonder. You’ve delved into the creative aspect of storytelling for 24 years. Love it. Literary tropes.  understanding how heroism in the West differs from one millennia to the next.

Arthur versus Achilles. Nelson versus Themistocles. Who are you amongst such legends? No one. Literally no one.

You literally just want the basics. A woman to love. Cause to fight for. Kids would be nice, but you forfeited that long ago. 

What would you give for her? Obviously the answer isn’t “anything” because you’re not young and stupid anymore. You are older and a little bit less stupid.

If “she” doesn’t know what she wants, she isn’t ready to want you. Hysterical that you learned this lesson in college and even before graduation had it hardwired to dismiss such women. It was never your job to rescue anyone from Stockholm.

You’ve moved past many. It’s a simple and good rule. You just weren’t prepared for a woman that broke the rules.

Whatever. You have chased her for five years, going on six. You know she’s the one. But she settles. And you won’t. If you lived in the same city, the issue would have been decided in your favor long ago.

Will you still pine for her in 5 1/2 more years? By her claim, her time is more limited than yours. The arrogant part of you screams at you to ask “why are you wasting our time???” and honestly you do need to listen to him more often… just not here.

There’s even that dark part of you desperate to find meaning where you can’t find any… that wonders if it’s all an act; some sick game. To what end you don’t know other than to hurt you somehow. But it’s nonsensical and borne only from pain. Even more, it’s insulting to her. So stifle your paranoia. She loves you.

You console yourself with the fact that right here and right now, nothing could happen without her committing  over a month to see you, and her job would not permit that. Won’t be that way forever. Things will normalize soon. You will be back in the swing of things and able to date again soon too.

And you will try your best, as you did before. Yay. 🙄

But your problem is…very clear to you.  In relationships, there are people who reach and people who settle. Sometimes both reach and sometimes both settle, but usually it’s one of the other. At least according to a show you enjoyed once. 🤔

Call it pride, call it arrogance, call it anything you want. You have absolutely no interest in settling. What would it even be like – dating to settle? 

Crown? The only reason you don’t seethe at her lies is because she’s not around to seethe at. She killed herself with alcohol. Crow hates the reference so you don’t use it… but you can’t help but wonder if the former was His preparation for holding true through the latter’s trials. You don’t know. Can’t even care. Situations honestly are so radically different, even though the obstacle is the same.

Whatever. Maybe you’re just wrong. You Can’t even comprehend it but maybe you are. Maybe despite trying to purge arrogance in your heart you left too much… but that doesn’t make any sense.

Nothing makes sense. You’re either right or you’re wrong. But what you need to get through your thick skull is that it doesn’t matter. 

She matters. And no matter what you think… you have got to start putting things in the right boxes, because if you are wrong… you’ll never know and die alone. 

It’s either that, settle, or wait – pretending you don’t “know” what you “know”. And assuming you’re not wrong, it never would’ve even entered your thought process prior to when you bet everything on her and went out on that limb only for it to collapse and crush what was left of your old heart.

Whatever. Put your trust in God. He knows what’s best for her. May His Will be done; not yours. You’ve already given her one heart. Your new one is better armored, but how eager you are to give it to her as well…

That’s got to change. And to soothe your certainty, maybe only for the time being… but it has got to change. 

You will never Settle. Ever. But if you’re wrong… it wouldn’t necessarily be settling, would it? Whatever.

You’re tired. So tired. You can’t keep doing this. When she hurts you and she’s not even trying… your heart is in too deep. It is either not meant to be, or not meant to be for now...

So get your head out of your ass and realize it.

His Will. Not yours. His. And quit being so damn melodramatic. If she’s right, it’s beneath you; if not… still a good idea.

Stop babbling. Sleep.