Thank you.

For two wonderful parents each raised by one hardscrabble mother that taught them the meaning of love and family..

For those parents that raised me and taught me to love You, So that even when I would later stray from you I would know the way home.

That they taught me with their own actions the American dream. How working hard, making good decisions, and associating with good people were the three keys to having a successful life.

That the three keys to success at any job was to work hard, make God your partner, and making your boss look good.

That no matter how much or how little you have, having a clean life requires having a clean house.

That family is important no matter how large or small.

For a childhood where the small lessons were learned right along with big and painful lessons.

For the scars of a mutilated face that calmed rampant hyperactivity and slowly healing them over the next few years even when I didn’t notice.

For paranoid mom and dad watching me dehydrate got me to the doctors office in record time. For the old doctor picking up extra hours that happened to recognize viral encephalitis in time to treat me before the brain damage paralyzed from the waist down.

For me to be able to dance at my prom. And any other time it suits me.

For a quiet early life all things considered.

For making me decently smart. Enough to handle myself but not enough to get me in trouble.

For the wisdom to come to this beautiful city and campus. And for the dear and wonderful friends I met along the way.

For finding a creative outlet for my free time that didn’t involve frats and parties.

For the pain and depression that I somehow managed to have even I was at one of the happiest times of my life.

For it to drive down my grades and set me up for an impossible comeback.

For my heart getting broken so my tears led me back to you.

For you standing in my Studio apartment and filling it with your presence… and the guarantee you gave me.

For me waking up the next morning without a hangover considering how much I drank.

For every single coincidence that fell into place all the way down to a professor in marketing accidentally quizzing us One extra time and choosing to drop a quiz result.

For the terror in my heart when I learned that thinks to a technicality I missed I wouldn’t be able to graduate without authorization of one of the meanest deans you’d ever put on this earth.

And for that scowling look in her eye after grilling me for what could not have been less than 15 minutes when she said “I don’t know why am doing this. Here” and chose not to put a big dent in my life.

For that beautiful spring day.

For the tears welling in my eyes right now.

For the realization Just two years ago sitting at this spot that none of it was about graduating, accomplishment, or success. That it was all about A lesson I could not have learned any other way – how real you are and how much you love us.

For the opportunity to actually offer some help to mom and dad‘s Business even though because I caused a few headaches as well.

For the arrogance I slipped into after. Because you had another lesson to teach me and it might have had to take just as long.

For being too good to start out at the bottom of a business when I had already been an office financial manager.

For rejection after rejection by potential employers that I didn’t understand.

For the stupidity I’m thinking I deserved to live downtown in $1000 a month one bedroom apartment without a solid anchor of a good job.

For the realization but I was going to lose my independence and have to spend my 30th birthday with my tail tucked between my legs living with my parents, regressing into absolute defeat.

For those two dolphins I saw in the harbor on my last walk around the city before going into exile.

I mean it. Thank you for the damage that has been done to me. That has helped make me who I am.

Thank you for forgiving me and for letting me forgive myself for betraying the lessons I had learned when I helped make and kill who I think would have been my daughter.

For Dave‘s choices that led him to need a roommate at a rate I actually could afford barely working on retainer in Columbia and selling my possessions to establish a toehold back in Charleston.

For a good solid year of that unique combination of stubbornness and humility that kept me going for a year until a new guy at a job firm was closing out old resumes and thought I would be a good fit at Xerox.

For the lesson I am still in the midst of learning based on how you operate that began when I took it. About comfort and stagnation and that life is a treadmill; staying comfortable and not pushing yourself makes you go backwards as the rest of the world goes forwards.

For getting fed up of not having many friends here that followed you And what must’ve been an amusing look on your face as you smiled down to me and gave me the brilliant idea that I might want to go back to church to find some.

For good people at my old job that saw to it I got a chance I had a place when I would learn all kinds of different lessons about life finally having a bad job experience.

For that May 14 four years ago when it once again fell on a Sunday and for the first time in years I dealt with the terror of being unemployed again; the tears in my eyes as the organ blared “A Mighty Fortress” with the congregation in song for the first and only time I had heard it live… and knew that you meant to reassure me in a way I could never explain to anyone else.

For weathering 2020 while recovering from damage all along that stubbornness did to me by not listening to a doctor that happened to annoy me. Because simply saying screw em, i’ll do what I want is not a good strategy when it comes to life and health decisions.

For the stupidity of believing after over a decade of not finding love that I was too old and crusty to be able to fall in love again after I broke heart after heart because I just didn’t care as much as the women did.

For the ecstatic highs and devastating lows of re-learning what being in love was.

For the desire that I admittedly must nurture to take stock of the blessings you have given me and know the obligation of sharing them with others.

For the rest of the lessons I’m still in the midst of learning.

For a good friend in a time of his and his family’s need to ever so coincidentally coincide with my need to find another day career path but one that coincided with what I truly want to do in life despite me not having a clue how to embark upon it.

For this really nice cigar. On a really nice unseasonably cool night in May.

For the gift of good health throughout my first 44 years, and the realization that I won’t always have it.

For so much more than I could ever Hope to remember no matter how long I stay in this beautiful cistern.

For the realization that I am blessed Beyond measure because you have taught me to learn even from my bad experiences… and make them part of turning me into a better person.

For the realization that I never need to let that go to my head. Then making good decisions in life always seems to require a combination of confidence and humility. Knowing that change is best done voluntarily before it is eventually forced upon someone.

For the understanding that the more I want answers the less I will be able to understand them.

For so many things. And especially…

Thanks for the cat.

Good for getting feelings out. Writing stuff and not sending/posting. Letting feelings marinate for a little while Before putting them out there. Great way of letting sadness or anger or any other temporary tone out, and only sending after a few hours if you still feel that way.

Ironically of all places hearing about that technique from freaking Family Guy. Really hope it’s Actually a thing. 😂

Tomorrow is May 14th. 21 years later. Just doesn’t seem to have the impact it used to, and in all honesty that’s probably a good thing. Really looking forward to not meaning so much because other dates are far more worth celebrating.

But tomorrow you will have your cigar and talk to God in the cistern. Lots of stuff as always. For several years now it’s been a holding pattern. Fears. Concerns. Patience. For nine years it was feeling stuck at an easy but low end job. And then the high stress bad fit. And last year wow locked down and unemployed.

This is the first year you’re really gonna be at the beginning of something. Starting out small. Expanding as you expand it. No one else is going to do it for you. Exciting. For the first time in a decade… exciting. The other thing you always prattle on about, well… yeah it’s a train wreck but when is it not?

That part will be normal. but at least you will no longer be paralyzed. It’s odd… looking in the news and all around you it’s bad news, but things in your life seem to be actually looking up. Environment is healthy. Just spending more time around the folks thanks to them helping you at work… that positivity. Really starting to make a living building possibility itself with a friend as he raises his young family.

Things just feel different. Even though you have felt more distant from God lately… you’re looking forward to tomorrow night. Hanging out with the old friend. The Holy Spirit. The part of God that’s stuck on earth being a guardian angel. Doesn’t get a Testament and doesn’t even get a name. In the past you called him the “drinking buddy”; though now that seems inappropriate.

You’re growing up. Slowly but surely. Taking your time. Somethings just are more important and somethings just aren’t as important.

No matter what feeling the warmth in your life again instead of a cold distance will do you well. Good long chat. Prayers for those you care about. Dodging the campus cops so you can smoke your cigar in peace now that they have that ridiculous no smoking policy on campus. 😂

Been thinking about that old old game boy game. Radar mission. A copy of “Battleship”. But with a separate mode so they could have their own game. The sound effects always stuck with you. To this day that’s what you hear in your mind when a missile is fired. The uplifting music of when you have almost won.

Will have to embed it later. Sleep calls. And even that’s doing better. You are so blessed. And want to share it with someone so bad.

Dream about Running In The Mall

Slow in interior. Nearly flew around when I was exterior. Mall was old but bustling. Started out decrepit but got bigger and more packed. Saw Tape World. Waldenbooks. Big basketball game was going to be played there. My friends were waiting in line to watch me play football. I was the first backup QB. More.

To say the least.

Point just might be rather deep.

Definitely worth considering.

Online dating is really weird. Can’t just check one or two of them and browse. You see someone’s profile and their picture and it’s either No or Nervousness.

Some weird sense of awkwardness. Reading about women that may or may not be interested in meeting. Catching up on “Likes”. Maybe it’s different if you were going around and “liking” them. Not that that ever accomplishes anything. Nothing accomplishes anything.

Crow sounds like she is still mad at you, go to the life of you you have no idea what for. And chances are deep down neither does she.

The box finally got there. You weren’t expecting a thank you, but she gave you one and then got quiet. Probably the best thing that could’ve happened. You are still going to hold true to contacting her on 1 June. Who knows.

One week in. This month still sucks. No matter how beautiful it is outside. It’s May in the holy city and still all you want to do is share it with her.

Well you better find someone else, because in the six years you chased her she never chose to try to share a holy city Spring day with you.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s under no obligation to. But it does tell you what you need to know about where your head really needs to be regarding who to find a relationship with.

Let the anger go away first. For your own sake. You’ll get through this. And her situation is no longer any of your business… if it ever was.

Stop missing her. And then find another impossible task.

I miss you. This month is going to be rough. I still want to be there for you. And you can get a hold of me if you need me. But it’s still so…you know.

It’s harder for me. You have been the focus of almost all my romantic desires for six years. That’s the other reason I need time, but you already know that. I know you have a special place for me in your heart and that brings me great joy, but… insert obvious cliché…

Still…not mad…just… whatever I am at you. Frustrated. Disappointed. Sullen. Not who I am at all as a person and especially not as a friend. I wish I could communicate my perspective. I didn’t know what else to do.

Then again the perspective is a little different than I’ve put out there, mainly just the stuff you already know that I want to keep unspoken. And then there’s the arrogant side of me that I don’t like and want to keep you away from.

Trying to figure out how to use him to be honest. Like Kirk in the original series episode the enemy within. That has been a balancing game for 20 years, and as I look back on those 20 years I feel I’ve almost always gotten it wrong given where I am in life.

I need to harness part of that bastard and put him to work. But the two of you would not get along. That’s the only child / never has to worry / takes things for granted part of me you tend to rail at when you’ve had too much…

It sucks because I kind a need some of that back, lolz 😂

Suffice to say when I think about you, what I really wanted for us, etc… I feel depressed. Rejected. For a while heartbroken. That part of me was offended. And honestly as deep as those feelings went… I actually meant it when I said I could be fine if you were with someone else. Someone that treated you well. Gave you the happiness I wanted you to have.

But the fact that you chose him over and over and over… yeah, offended is the right word to use. The more he emotionally abuses you, the more you insist on staying with him. You will eventually see that in time, though.

Maybe that’s another reason it’s good we’re quiet. You don’t have to worry about me pestering you if you actually did really throw him out. You could find someone else.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to say a lot of things I actually have been holding back. Things you would not have read without getting mad and reacting to. Pressures I never wanted to put on you.

I don’t know. Maybe this is just an opportunity to get away from each other and I don’t need to think about you any minute I don’t have to. But dammit I miss you. There’s no point in farming, or Herriot, or anything that reminds me of you.

You don’t know how good it made me feel when I could look at you on video and tell you that I loved you. It felt warm. My whole body. One of the last times just saying it seeing your face started making me hard. But it is what it is. And I can’t love you that way anymore.

You know what’s really weird? In a lot of ways… it would’ve been better had I never met you. I wouldn’t have spent six years chasing rejection. Being so emotionally invested in someone else. Spending so many nights unable to sleep from worrying about you.

But even if it would’ve been better for me, there’s no part of me that isn’t glad I met you.

This month is going to suck.

Miss you. Be well, sweetie. 🌷

A lot of yard sales today. The original eBay. Would have been a good idea for you at some point had you not been hit by the mold a few months back.

As frustrating as it was, the house is a lot nicer now. Far less clutter. Less chaos. Having company over doesn’t incite a panic. It doesn’t really matter if you have that much stuff so long as you just organize it well.

Funny how so many aspects of life come down to balance. Work/sleep/live is just the beginning.

Funny how you miss some imbalances. And how fast.

GNz11. The furthest thing that can be detected by modern science. A dwarf galaxy 32 billion light years away in a universe only 13.77 billion light years old. Impossible until you actually stop and think about the expansion of the universe itself. If science is right about red shifting.

Everything spins, doesn’t it? Orbits. Gravity is but one form of attractive force. What if the physical universe itself is merely a manifestation that our senses are capable of translating to us?

We have five senses. The brain interprets the inputs of those five senses and that’s how we know what rock feels like, blue looks like, Banana pudding tastes like…

Only those five windows to the greater world of existence beyond us. We never really stop and think about things outside the realm of those senses even though we are fools if we believe those are the only five windows possible to the world outside our bodies.

They don’t even provide us evidence of oxygen. Our oh so amazing human intellect has to do that. And we take that amazing human intellect to draw conclusions on the universe and reality that insist upon fitting into ‘boxes’ of our design. We insist upon the idea that thought cannot be touched. How could we know if our senses were not fine-tuned enough to touch it?

Thought manifests upon the brain. Stress has tangible effects on the body. Surely there is a physiological explanation the bows to conventional notions of why this is, but does it actually makes sense? What are thoughts in a physical, biological sense if not simple chemicals in the brain, and yet it is a well-known fact that stress has physical physical effects on us.

Why?

Does it make us breathe differently? Induce fight or flight responses in such a way to make the heart behave differently? Why is it so hard to contemplate the idea that thought is… more…

That though has more a tangible effect than we can perceive with our five windows that offer no guarantee that when I see the color red, someone else sees it as if it is blue to them and they call it “red” because that’s just what they see? How would they know the difference?

Thoughts swirl around in our heads and we can identify them – in fact we must – without those five windows. Might dark matter itself

What are dark matter and dark energy? Per science no one really knows; they are terms created to explain the mathematical realities of the universe as we know it and aspects of it that we can’t understand. We can’t see or touch dark matter or dark energy.

We can’t possibly be wrong about how gravity works or universal laws as they have been established up to this point, so we put on our little shortcuts that “we just can’t understand yet” in our model as if it has any right to be called the final model of understanding as the Ptolemaic solar system when it comes to the grand scheme of human understanding in however many millennia are species lasts.

If one listens to modern science it’s almost sad that all the horizons are being filled in by our current brilliance in understanding everything about the universe. Ironic that this goes against the very nature of the scientific method but why nitpick?

Maybe it’s just human nature. After all we have our five windows and our brilliance, both of which are simply understood, never needing to be questioned.

So there is that drive to look beyond… to understand the vastness of reality itself, which our five windows somehow will give us full view of. And even adding a sixth or seventh wouldn’t alter the fundamental equation.

Cats can’t comprehend taxes. Human beings can’t comprehend the universe. Much less the reality that is beyond it. The universe is the only part of reality that we can actually perceive with our windows.

It’s the only part the skeptics even allow themselves to contemplate being there because nothing else can be “proved” to or by our current level of evolved ape-hood.

And yet here we are… insistent that we see what we don’t. That what little we don’t know we’re eventually going to figure out.

We are truly an arrogant species. Narcissistic. Truly our greatest curse. It is said that pride is the worst of all sins, mainly because it justifies the rest. it is the centerpiece that all of our failings ultimately orbit… a black hole so deadly to us because we can’t see it and it’s so easy to pretend isn’t there.

I don’t want to look beyond. I don’t want to pretend for one second I could understand what is beyond. I love the bliss of ignorance. The kind comfort of “why not?” that becomes so easy when you have faith in something greater than yourself.

The inner peace. That everything is unfolding as it ought to, and the tiny aspects that we have power over can represent pre-determination and self-determination at the same time.

Why not?

What’s the point of looking beyond when it requires taking the eyes off the reality one actually has power over? To insist the universe is a way it’s not because that’s just what one wants to believe, as if we know what’s best from literally anyone’s flawless track record of amazing decisions in life.

What makes love different than gravity? Why our five windows of course. Because they are absolute. Authoritative. And we are never wrong – how can we be when we always just say “well we’ll figure out how it fits in at some point.”

And it will always just so happen to fit what we want to believe anyway… what a marvelous discovery.

Narcissism thy name is humanity.

When we can see a Galaxy further away than the age of the universe would allow and still demand to see beyond…

…God is real. The universe could not have been created by something without a sense of humor.

https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/hotel