So weird, what gives one stress. Two phone appointments with good folks interested in helping you today, the first one paid, the second one a good friend of dad’s who is a motivational speaker and mentor. Reading in the book about Live Visioning and trying to gain wisdom and insight into understanding what areas to target to gravitate towards a path more suited to your ‘hunter mindset’. Signing up with various job services to hunt things temporarily. Amazon already blowing up your phone. Trying to isolate an exercise group that would help you get into a better overall physical shape to sharpen your mind. One you found is free, does Christian fellowship with fitness, and highly recommended by a friend. But…very, very early in the morning. And no women.

One of those is problematic, lol.

But damn if right now you didn’t hang up the phone last and not all of a sudden become instantly aware of your stomach being in knots and a weight being lifted by your lungs. FFS… WHY?

I mean you know these folks. You’re doing what you’re supposed to. Learning, putting yourself out there, all manner of things you’ve done before. It seemed a heck of a lot scarier last time too. And… while you have confidence issues with making mistakes, you’re addressing it – doing what you’re supposed to do. So why all the knots? The deep breath release when you hung up the phone and stress you didn’t even realize you were having?

Nichelle Nichols was gawjuss back in the day. Maybe she’s the reason a small part of you has an odd attraction to black women in good shape that have beautiful smiles. Nothing like with cute redheads, but it was rather difficult for you to not want to ask out a certain supervisor of yours at Xerox back in the day…

So irritating that your favorite episode of the old Star Trek – The Doomsday Machine – didn’t have Nichelle in it. The episode was a classic, and though remastered, you love the original special effects. For the Doomsday Machine itself…not the model used for the USS Constellation. Though the hilarity for how bad the mock up was does sort of get in the way of how menacing the Doomsday Machine itself was.

It was just a windsock dipped in paper mache, with a sparkler within. But it looked to you when you watched it as a kid like a literal Eye Of Fire. That thing, coming at the stalwart Captain Kirk, in between eating freaking planets… It didn’t “scare” you, but wow when you think about the first time you actually felt any tension, it probably came from TV (you were a happy go lucky kid). Darned if it probably came from this episode – the first episode you actually remembered.

The music at the end, as Kirk stared into the Eye of Oblivion with the “my clothes are so tight because of the gravitational field caused by my huge balls” look on Shatner’s face as he stood there, helpless. He’d already won. The Planet Killer was itself doomed. Set the charges and Scotty frantically repairs the transporter to get him out before the improvised bomb goes off, blowing apart the Enterprise’s twin inside the Machine. Spock calmly calling out exceptionally unhelpful suggestions to Scotty as he metaphorically attaches wires with gum and duct tape with not a second to spare. Kirk finally cracks a note of concern “Gentlemen I suggest you beam me aboard” brilliantly. Oh, he gets it. He’s not some “I’m a badass not scared of anything!”, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to give a hint that he’s not completely in charge of the situation, even when it’s the exact opposite.

But the real hero of the scene was Sol Kaplan, who frankly deserved to be a bazillionaire after John Williams basically ripped off the score for “Jaws”. For literally 35 years, in the back of your mind, that sound is what stress/anxiety/you name it… “sounded like”. Literally the only thing that needed remastering was the dorking little model of the Enterprise they banged up for the Constellation since they couldn’t ding the master filming model.

Damn you can still feel it. You love this scene. Especially the music. Because it strikes perfectly in exactly what it was going for. So much so that you almost subconsciously “hear it”? Feel it? in your stomach and lungs even today. As perfect as you find it a fit for the moment in the episode, you actually like it in general. Sounds fun in a weird way. Like you would LOVE to be able to somehow use it in a tense scene in D&D for the players to ratchet up tension to 11… but there’s no way to because of how “in-character” and “out of character” time work. Only way to do it would be to loop it and put it on low in the background, but that would be a little too subtle. “Da na da na da na da na….” isn’t supposed to be subtle in the background… it is IN. YOUR. FACE. AND. ABOUT. TO. EAT. YOUR. PLANET. Lolz

Now?

An Entire week has passed since you left off this draft… well naturally because you didn’t have the pressure of another appointment. Until today. And the knots appear again….

So much to Process. You’re not doing nothing but it sure doesn’t feel that way. The bad news is this is not a recipe for success. But the good news is… It literally can change it in an instant.

Take heart from that. And write more… this is good for you. 🙂

They are beautiful, aren’t they? Sure would be nice. If they were yours, but they aren’t. You don’t know, you just… know.  Too beautiful… placid. Conventional. Why?

Beautiful melodies but in an ethereal (no pun intended) Melody with just enough beautiful, coordinated discordance that it sounds just foreign enough.

It’s really not fair. All manner of things that aren’t fair. Pretty much every aspect of your life that doesn’t have to do with love… unfair. In your favor.

Alcoholism killed your grandfather, From what dad said blissfully before you were born. Jackass wife-beating POS. Although fascinatingly just maybe two years ago dad mentioned that he had paranoid schizo tendencies and once even allowed himself to be hospitalized. Well for a little while. Always thought someone was after him. Hated Jews. The town drunk. Dad was the star running back of the football team and the bastard only showed up wants to watch his son play – and booed him.

Probably could tell even then how amazing the man would end up being and could see nothing but jealousy for him. Drinking himself to hatred of his own son.

A former army cook in World War II. The only picture you ever saw of him was terrifying because of how much he looked like dad – but… like his opposite. Evil doppelgänger. Because dad swore he would never be like him.

How many of your freaking blessings came from the town drunk’s effect on your dad? Bizarre.

Like when Crow mentioned what you had always wondered about Judas since you were a kid… wondering whether or not his duplicity was not just part of God’s plan, But like he had been “assigned” the task to make sure Jesus could die for our sins…

So funny that she brought that up when it was literally something that weighed on your heart when you were a kid but later buried because you always prefer questions to answers.

So, your wife beating jackass grandfather… hysterical because you grew up calling your father “daddy” because he was insecure with being called “dad” because that’s what he called the jackass. So funny that kids at school making fun of you in like the sixth grade for still calling him “daddy” made you have one of the first adult conversations, ask him to call him “dad”.

Who the hell was this guy? Died at age 59 before you were born. Not even sure if mom met him, but probably not because dad would not have cared for that too much. Whatever. Dad even today is terrified you carry the gene of vulnerability to alcoholism that doomed your granddad.

Nope. Blessed. Yet again…

The exact opposite effect. A desire to celebrate. To praise God. To sing. Dance. Love. Inspire.  The idea of hurting anything other than inanimate objects in this state of mind is foreign.

No wonder you can’t comprehend what alcoholism is. The worst thing alcohol leads you to is a hangover after having a wonderful evening enjoying YouTube, remixes of clair de lune, colorful disco balls, and the company of nothing but two cats and a deity.

Blessings.

Why is it this way for you? And yet… so destructive for her?  You’re not a genius but you’re not stupid, either. You understand enough to see the truth… and there’s not a damn thing you can do but be thankful for the toehold of Sunday mornings.

How quickly you would give up this blessing for her to give up her curse… yet another thing you would give...

You’ve been steering clear for a few reasons. Because you didn’t want to stand in God’s way with your own biases. And yet… figuring out what He wants continues to be an exercise in 12-D chess. Just enough unintentional barbs hitting your baggage to push you away.

Come on. Seriously. It’s His time. To speak to her. She is listening isn’t she? She is seeking Him with all of her heart, From Jeremiah 29:13, isn’t she? What do you have to offer? Generic “beginner level” Platitudes from someone who can’t even read the Bible without help to bounce it off of?

Claire de Lune. You do like this version. It’s not your song though. Not your end credits. It will be so beautiful if one day it was hers though… when it’s time. As in long from now. The gorgeous melodies and tones can’t hold a candle to the beauty you see in her soul, so there’s probably something better. End credits for Home. Has she ever heard hers before? It’s so odd, even now what she treats as fact in how she knows you, you still hold reservations on. Which is quite ironic because deep down in the tiniest corner of your soul… something lines up with it.

So what’s with all the doubt? Is it doubt? Or is it something else? An almost instinctive ordering of priority? Do you doubt that there was a past? Or is there a part of you that might acknowledge it but refuse to give attention to it because it opens the door to failing again and being stuck?

Goodness can you imagine what it would be like to have to go around again? Would people even be people a century from now? Would they be born with implants like a Star Trek villain? Born into a collapsed world right out of Orwell where conformity of thought is demanded by those who know better? Maybe even your thoughts could be monitored like social media algorithms do now… and you get your food ration if you agree with what the corporations tell you to agree with? It’s not like social credit systems aren’t being mentioned here and there in authoritarian circles.

LOL, yeah… you were a kid in the 80s, teen in the 90s, saw the birth of the Internet after the first death of communism. even in just the time you have lived you have been so blessed.

The very idea of going around again 100 years from now? Yeah no thanks. Especially when you have your desires set on Being With God. The Next Life.

So beautiful, peaceful, and not likely to be lobotomized by implants, lol…

Beautiful colors… disco ball… 😂 Just a slight blessed buzz… what do you need anything else for? The warmth of the music caresses your shoulders. The echo of the notes massage your spirit. It’s not fair. Of course it’s not fair.

It’s so easy for you. Feeling all the blessings of your life. Two wonderful parents that raised you to know where they came from so you could be thankful for them, realizing you were going to have to fight the part of you that was spoiled. Don’t ever act like you’re home free though – you know how quickly you can fall. How quickly you have fallen.

It’s not like you aren’t one hell of a sinner. Who isn’t? Stay grounded. Thirst for the Word. Seriously – Why would you not? What’s wrong?

What’s wrong?

It’s the music. It’s not your end credits.

It’s not hers either. It is nice and peaceful though. 🙂 Maybe it once was… who knows…

In a past that doesn’t matter unless there’s a part that you could learn from to not repeat mistakes… 🤔

What do you would give… to share this moment with her…

And for the first time in…years… you actually don’t know what accent Love speaks with in said desire…

Lord, please watch over her in her time of need. Comfort her lungs when they tighten without her noticing as stress seeks to strangle her. May the traffic make it a slight pain to swing by the red dots on the way home. Just enough to remind her… to give her a little bit more strength to consider another cat tower…

If your pattern holds true, something will end up happening soon to drive this heart straight to her. As it always does when it finds freedom from growing weak at the sight of her smile.

Last time it was a dream of a mansion and turning away from riches for her; as if wealth could hold a candle to happiness. 😂

 thank you for the wisdom imparted to me that I don’t have to have a clue how your stupid plan works 😂 I just need to have faith in You, and it will.

Let my heart bathe in the warmth of the peace of mind of Faith… it doesn’t have to understand anything to know your Love surrounds each and every one of us… we just need to breathe it in….

And thanks for the cat. 🙂

You prefer questions. Especially in matters of the spirit. The reason is simple – all else equal, you don’t know and will never know while on this earth. If you have a question and come up with an answer, He’s not going to appear and congratulate you for winning the daily double…

And in a universe where you are the creation, you have no idea the tools of the creator.

It’s funny that the Bible says that God created the heavens and the earth. Because of the time Genesis was written in, specifics of today really wouldn’t apply. It’s entirely possible that that only meant the solar system. Or the Milky Way. Or literally everything everywhere. Or just this version of reality. Probably something even more that you can’t even comprehend though. 🤔

So there is the eternal question then… Why? To which there is no real answer other than your cliché response…

One theory your Bible study group wants tossed out was that God is too majestic not to be worshipped… which is at the same time both true and probably still not the answer, lol… 😆 

Right now your running theory is that cliché…. “Why Not?”

One of a million things that has an answer, but it doesn’t matter. Very few of the answers actually matter.  I mean just your favorite analogy of trying to explain taxes to a housecat pretty much covers the idea of human beings attempting to comprehend their creator.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why you put stock in evolution. That our species is supposed to evolve. That we are supposed to “level up”…  and maybe after a few more hundred thousand years, our species might actually evolve to a point where our brains can comprehend the next level in God’s little project.

Maybe that’s at a point when God reveals Himself to us in a way we can understand him in terms other than “God”.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why you love SG-1. The benevolent Asgard were an advanced race of aliens who were friends of ancient humanity and sought to protect them, but the latter were to primitive to understand the former. So the Asgard projected illusions of themselves as great warriors to mimic the Norse gods… Leaving behind on many human worlds chambers of knowledge to test the human descendants.

Eventually one day said human society would advance to a point when the descendants of those cavemen could answer a question of a famous mathematical formula – at which point the Asgard would know they have reached the next step of development and would introduce themselves as what they truly were. 

Maybe it’ll be like that one day. Maybe not. 🤔

There is a reason for all things. God’s Plan. Ultimately that’s always the answer, which makes sense because it’s the most annoying answer possible.

Being able to just let go though… having enough trust in faith… anytime there is a conundrum of questioning what is right just and fair… always knowing “God Is Just”… You have so much less anxiety in your life because you have this faith.

It is rather disturbing though because honestly you do know that nobody’s really that great of a person… The human race isn’t exactly filled with saints and never has been. And even those saints had pasts…

God is Just. Jesus paid the price for our sins. Some people have a problem with that. “Why couldn’t God just forgive us?” “Why did Jesus have to go through all that”, etc.

Which is odd considering this society still holds true to systems of compensation, action and consequence, etc. Many scoff at the idea of offering sacrifices, etc, but it’s honestly no different than supply and demand at the end of the day. Jesus being the ultimate sacrifice ultimately squared it. 

Humanity’s collective sins are nearly infinite. Therefore only an infinite sacrifice would make up for them.

So many questions that made complete sense When you actually asked others wiser than you. Is there more to it than that? Of course. Why on earth wouldn’t there be? 😂

Redemption and peace. Jesus gave everything so we would have them.

Everything makes sense in a way that you just can’t explain to anyone else.  every single line of every conduit on that motherboard of motherboards ties together neatly in some greater construct that is existence.

So many things explained only in terms of your slightly evolved ape brain can understand. What do you need answers for? You wouldn’t be able to understand them. it’s all part of the wondrousness of Faith. You know that answer that annoys you. Faith in Him and His plan.

His plan. Our Free Will. Two things completely linked and separate at the same time.

There’s nothing you can say to help her. Nothing you can do. It’s between her and Him. He is her answer. Keep praying for her. Keep giving distance so He can work without your biases. Hold as true as you can so your prayers carry more weight. If she could only see what you saw in her… If she could only see…

Biggest middle finger you can give it is to hold True.

So hold fucking True.

And… be so thankful of His majesty… even in a week you in your emotional immaturity didn’t like…. 😂

How to destroy all that millions hold as Truth all in one fell swoop. No technicalities. No misinterpretations. No excuses.

No guts, no glory. 😂

The bullseye was painted on a faith’s back by the faith itself. What’s the point? Of this concept? That ceremony? Those ideals?

Salvation. And Home.

At the end of the day, there is no other point in having ‘Christ’ is Christianity.

So simple. Yet such complexity to the understanding. Ensuring that any could recognize it as otherworldly profound depending on their own personal understanding.

A simple-minded Thai rice farmer. An Ivy-League educated PhD candidate. The quest for understanding gives each as much as they may understand.

What ultimately matters the most.

And the way to discount everything it stands for, displayed for all to see… daring any to try.

Warspite would approve. 😂

Something wants you to feel fear. You don’t have a clue what or why. You know it’s the dawning of a new time. So why hold back? It’s not about you. It’s about God, and her. You know the feeling of being in His presence. Just the two of you. How overwhelming it was.

You know you have fear because your mind is downplaying things. Distancing itself even maybe.

How do you know she’s going to “get it right”? If you live in such loving, warm certainty, why wouldn’t you want to be the one to barge in and voice all your concerns? Try to Micromanage her experiences?

You know… be stupid? Lol so easy to answer ones own questions. 😂

If she reaches out to God with all her heart… Seeks the salvation of Jesus… He will handle it.

Your fears are adorable… but worldly. And given your own struggles… It kinda just makes sense to let Him handle it. He is smarter than you most of the time. 🤔

Your fears come from the most caring place in your heart… but they aren’t helpful. They represent not having enough faith in God that you’re worried what might happen.

There’s a duality involved – as there always is. This must be her journey. But she can’t do it her way. You can’t tell her you’d do it differently. But you’re worried she might miss what God wishes for her be insisting on “her way” instead of His path.

Given the past, that’s understandable. But ultimately… This just isn’t about you. And so you wait. Anxiously like a kid at 4am on Christmas morning. You can tell because you’re distracted.

You’re worried she’ll “not do it right”.

What is the right way? Her listening to God. Talking with Jesus, not you. How do you know she’s really listening to God? Not something else?

Because… God. If you have faith in God’s actions, there’s your answer.

For once in your life… maybe the tendency to ignore stress will lead you to do what’s best – shutting up so she can hear God.

Every meal though. Prayer for her. Every few hours. Prayer for her.

Trust God. His plan. His will.

And trust her. Her future will be more joyful than her present… and she is on the path. 🙂

Always liked this guy… So much truth.

Put your shoes far under the bed, so you have to get on your knees to reach them every morning.

Don’t aspire to make a living. Aspire to make a difference.

Put. God. First.

Please be with her. Guide her. She is sacred to me.

Right now the hardest thing on earth… is meaning it when you say you want her to find Home more than her to be with you.

It’s the truth. But just barely. It’s selfish. Be aware of it though. She has no idea what you see here and there in her words and her smiles. On occasion, Heart still fluttering. On occasion, Heart still devastated.

Heart doesn’t matter anymore. She does. Put God first. Then her. Then you. Accept the reality of the situation. Accept what you believe; not what you want. You want to hope? Hey, go for it. But if you fancy yourself a good man… be one. Be True.

Separating the two is hard. That’s fine. It’s when you need to choose that you must be True. Just be True.

It’s not about you, ya only child. Admit your weaknesses so you can address them.

Love. Such a complex thing. Never was before her. Now?

😂😂😂

Our Father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name;

thy kingdom come;

thy will be done;

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation;

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,

the power and the glory,

for ever and ever.

Amen.

Be. More. Worthy. There are no excuses for not knowing this from memory anymore. It’s more important than knowing your name.

Plank. Speck.