There’s phases in life it seems. When either your world was open, closed, or shifted for some reason. Moments when everything was anew; a new world began as an old one ended, and as time progressed usually that ending was long in coming it seems.

Often times these phases or eras go outside with other moments, sometimes overlapping or underlapping slightly, but still in the grand scheme could probably be defined as the same.

You bought your house in 2011, and Bill showed up in 2012. Looking back at things you can remember that year, but still bill is synonymous with the house. Each part of this era of your life.

That overlapped with the Xerox period of…well… professional laziness from 2009-2018 and TOP from 2018-2020. The job angle is just one aspect of growth that a new phase or era will bring. You’re not really sure if that comforts you or not.

1995 was probably the biggest of these changes, leaving an insulated a Christian home in Lexington to pile in the dorms at CofC. Only child finally gets a roommate. And instantly two. You handled that part actually pretty well. A lot of hangups, but you got past them.  that was the one year at the Lodge, then two years as an RA in a campus house. They feel like two such a distinct different time periods. Amazing how much just your surroundings can determine that.

Eventually you got your own apartment downtown and began that period of what would end up being decadence (by your standards). Two more years of college, but you got a computer with infamous AOL and that truly opened up the world for you. Just the idea of instantly striking up a conversation with someone on the other side of the continent. Text and pic only (via email or something?  can’t remember) but still you met interesting people and kind of forgot most of them from those days.

That was what, 98? Sounds about right. Gateway computer. The above Phoenix image was the background you put on it. LOL customized the sounds for each action. Two years at that studio apartment on King Street and three more in the one bedroom across the hall. After college it was working for mom and dad’s galleries during the week. Good old FFP on the weekends. 

Different periods seem to run together… similar apartments and friends and life. Though there was definitely that game changing moment when you graduated, really you were still that “person” / “in that life” from ’98 till what, 2003?

Then there was a lot of chaos that didn’t really end until you got the gig at Xerox six years later. Chances are in a few years you were lump TOP in with that period of time since it’s still the same house. Same cats. But wow things have changed since 2011.

Well… really? Events have happened. But really how different are you than you were when you moved in here? You still really needed to re-discover that confidence that served you well until it turned into arrogance in the mid ’00’s like you do now.

2019 was abject chaos. Amazing highs and amazing lows. Never has a year like it. 2020 so far has been the exact opposite. Entire months have passed with literally nothing happening in your life, waiting endlessly for things to happen that you said in motion as other people seemed to dawdle.

2020 has definitely been a bitch so far, But you have to remind yourself that the world doesn’t exactly see too much of a distinction because of how many times the earth has revolved around the sun and 2021 isn’t magically guaranteed to be any better or worse.

And yet you feel the vibrations of some thing within you. Almost like an engine starting to hum. You’ve already gone through a lot of changes in your social life; 2019 saw to that. A new era is on the horizon and you feel it. Rebirth.

It can be annoying. Often you wait until you are backed into a corner to face change coming down the pipe. You usually do fine when you have to though. Now it’s interesting because you’re trying to just take a shot in some random direction by taking classes again. Finding some job to just tide you over until you get a certificate and use the time in between to let God guide you back into where you want to be in a career.

“Getting a job”. That hasn’t been your mindset in 20 years. You’ve focused on having a career. And to be honest you still are… But part of that is going to have to involve just finding something to do to bring money in. Scares you. Feels like a step back. And frankly it is. But you trust that it’s just a step back that will involve two more steps forward soon enough.

Rebirth. You’re never going to have the confidence you did when you were 18 or 23, the two times you keep looking at in your life when you really had your head on straight and the sky was the limit. But the reason is because you are wiser now. The confidence that you are building you hope will equal those days, but it will have to be different. 

 No… it’s not a step back. It’s a step forward on your journey through life. And you’ve already been through many situations where you gained so much by getting so torched, lolz…

Damn, you just wish you could have that confidence again. That idealist, young stupid confidence of a 23 year old kid  that had just conquered his world. Only if you years later you would realize how small that world was compared to the one you were going into. Naïve bliss.

But that… was the beauty of it. You didn’t know what awaited you. But you were ready to encounter it. Just like Picard told Q before his arrogance was smashed by the Borg. Not long after, life was miserable by your standards.

Rebirth. You’ve gotten to the point you can feel it coming. Let’s face it… just the idea of going back to school… lol… a tiny part of you is going to be a kid again. 😂

You don’t know where it’s going to lead, and maybe the sky is going to be the limit again. Only this time you will know what to expect coming down the pipe afterwards – and be able to adapt to it instead of getting hit by a freight train when you are confronted with the reality of a ho hum job.

Adapt – or adaptation will be forced upon you. You’re not the only one that has the problem of waiting until you’re forced to act… but you’re getting better at it. Wiser. Maybe it’s just the beard. But for whatever reason you realize… Rebirth is coming. And soon.

You have a lot of fear of it. But that fear is slightly outweighed by your hope for it. There is no shame in taking a step back to take two steps forward. What’s important? What matters?

God is seeking to preparing you for the next phase of your life. There is a reason why. Even in this dark year… you know tomorrow is going to be better. 🙂

No wonder you are letting many of your hopes run wild. 😂





In no particular order.

www.youtube.com/watch

So loved.

Don’t ever forget.

That’s all. 🌷



Business Applications Solutions Specialist. Requirements: accounting applications, Microcomputer spreadsheets, Microcomputer database, Microcomputer word processing, Advanced microcomputer applications, microcomputer multi media concepts and applications. each course with its own prerequisites. 15 credit hours.

Significant need for career shift; greater need for individual job satisfaction and income. Return to actual career. Need to give more. Be more to give more. Provide more. How you’re wired; a need to matter. Why not?

It pissed you off so much the year you graduated to learn that more black men went to prison then to college the year before, 1999. Started you off with a desire to work in financial aid at a college. Your college. Help folks be able to afford a future in such a way that they’re not screwed afterwards. You tried so hard to get into that field; Used networking connections; Played the game, and then finally discovered how much contempt you had for it. Who you knew. Not what you know. Goodness though… the kind of people that you could know. But the game sickened you, so you turned your back on it. Chose to fight and scratch and claw. Even then you took the easy route. Not that it wasn’t a good thing to help the folks out in the business for a while. You were the bosses kid, so there was no reason to expect anyone to like you. You came in late, but you also stayed late when you needed to. Not a lot of people have spent all night at the office before. Contributed to the arrogant phase. Ironic. If you weren’t so hell-bent on trying to be humble, you might not have gone through that.

It’s not like they’re worth millions; they aren’t. They have enough to live comfortably And they’re going to make sure you’re okay. You’re set. Well, set enough since you never had kids and you have no one else to provide for.

But there’s…what burns in you. What you really can’t stand. The idea of being set… Oh, don’t kid yourself, it’s reassuring… But sitting around and not making anything of yourself just isn’t possible. You desperately want to provide for someone. At the very least, yourself. You just feel some calling to do more or be more. That’s not a credit to you; it’s a credit to the folks.

And you know what you want the most. Build a company from the ground up? Eh. Not for your sake. Help others in waltzed their dreams? Now we’re talking.

You’re not the fighter from D&D. Not the priest. Not the paladin or the Ranger. God help you… you’re the Bard. Can’t do shit on your own. Big bonuses to the group, though. It’s even the way you played Halo with the guys. Mason amazing on defense if he has the rocket launcher. Matt devastating if he has the sniper rifle. You let the other guys worry about the kill counts, you took it upon yourself to be the guy that got the weapons to those that could use them. Never lost one of those LAN matches.

Sucks for you out here in the real world, doesn’t it? You can’t do shit without other people. And you want to do so much. And if you can’t figure out how you can fit in… maybe you could just do so much for just one person.

Though true you form even then though, you can’t do shit without them. You don’t want to talk about it. But the idea of people not wanting to be more… Fine. But why the hell are they proud of it? Because far too many are, and you cannot comprehend that. You’re 43. You can’t respect that anymore. You see absolutely no reason to sink down when you have everything you need to rise up and try your best to carry people with you. It wounds you so deeply. Whatever. You could tell her everything and she still wouldn’t know. You know because you already have. On three substances and she still couldn’t find what she found when she came to church. And then a desire to go back down that path of emptiness? What, rolling the dice on cocaine three or four times wasn’t enough? Thank God she didn’t hear what actually came out of your mouth. But she didn’t get anything, so take comfort in that. 

Enough. Just shut up and let it be enough. Let the pain and anger dissolve away. You want so much more for her. But that doesn’t matter if she has no interest in more for herself. Still up to her. You just know the kind of person you are striving to be… and understand the world for the way it is. Sets your stomach in knots and you don’t need that. Even now… just breathe.

Just breathe. He has a plan. For her, you, and everyone else. And there’s not a damn thing you can do for her or anyone else until you are true to the only thing you can control… your role in His plan for you.

Okay. Alright. So how would a business applications solutions specialist Address the problem of not knowing the right career?

Pfft… you don’t have a clue. You’re just played the game the way you ought to have from the beginning and met a friend of your dads who was in a position to toss out some advice. And that advise lead to a course outline. And you don’t have a clue. You really don’t and it’s kind of funny. 😂

But you’ve prayed. And tried to learn from your mistakes. And you feel like this is the path. You really have no idea what to expect. And honestly at this point you finally are confronted with actual consequences for your actions in the one area that you can’t be “set” in… Time.

You just have to do something… and this seems like the path you asked to be led to. And you’re sick of waiting. You know this is going to lead to something. Because you have good faith in your heart, and eternal optimism even if it’s foolhardy. 

Don’t waste one minute when you have found a trail to follow. Doesn’t even have to be a path yet, much less a plan.

Be patient. Nothing worth it happens on our schedule. 🙂

You don’t understand. You just don’t understand. It’s okay you guess, you don’t have to. First instinct is to go grab a couple of shots yourself and vent, but He already knows how you feel. Second thought mixes with a developing headache and the fact you didn’t get any sleep last night and suggests otherwise…

You are used to the thorns on the rose when it comes to her, you just really wish you could separate your feelings so you don’t get hit by plunging fire out of nowhere. No longer crushing but still hurts like a son of a bitch.

The good news is you’re not here because you’re some lame “nice guy pining for girl with loser”. You did have a question about that, but answered it. That’s just lame; and you have some self-respect at least. Last thing any decent woman wants is a pushover. As much as you don’t like getting into arguments with her, you think she understands that.

Doesn’t mean those feelings went away… but you know the certainty in your heart despite what you don’t understand… but on a night like this that doesn’t matter.

Do what you’ve always done… get what you’ve always got. 

Understanding the reality of the situation means you can forgive yourself for being cut by the thorns. But it can’t be about that. Just collateral damage now… still hurts though; No shame in admitting it.

Maybe you’re literally wrong about everything about her and she’s just winding things down to destruction. That would devastate you in ways you couldn’t even imagine. You really don’t know what purpose you would have or have any faith in yourself to matter regarding it. Light that shines brightly within you, and failed when it mattered.

Do what you’ve always done… get what you’ve always got.

She wants God to reach out with “extra effort” to her. Creator of the heavens and the earth. Alpha and Omega. Endured horrific torture Physically, emotionally, and spiritually tormented before dying for our sins.

But she deserves “extra”. So here you are, feeling like her happiness and Home are your greatest desire in life, Only to have that definite chopped liver feeling…🤔

Either you’re sincere and it is your mission in life to see her happy and make her way Home – even if not with you – or you really are just a lame idiot who still just put his love for her ahead of God’s will.

It’s not like your cognitive processes have ever been where they needed to be since you’ve known her. Whatever; you’re fixing that. Soon you’ll be back in that rare form that’s eluded you the past few years and back to fighting off arrogance…

Maybe then you’ll be wiser and have what it takes to challenge her to find more in life. Take a shot on better. Even if your heartfelt wish for her is that “extra”… Even if she asked for 80/20… She has eventually got to do her part and take that shot. Whatever it ends up looking like. Wherever it ends up being.

Do what you’ve always done, get what you’ve always got.

So be thankful. Wear the mask and heal. Be more than you are.  But never forget… as with literally all of God’s children, she is in charge of her choices.

And one day, you just hope she chooses… Happiness. And Home.

Whatevs. Mask. Sleep. Pray. Grow. Whatever role you are playing, you need to be better at it.

And Lord… thanks for the cat. 🙂

Imagine a storm at night. And there’s a flash of lightning that gives an immediate, yet wholly incomplete picture. In that instance you see something and have a sense of recognition, but only of the spot your eyes were looking the instant of lightning illuminated it.

And to describe it? Words won’t work. Only metaphor would. In 21st-century parlance not unlike how people in different centuries would describe the barely recognizable.

Earworm. Ironic. Appropriate though. You knew this week would be hard. Memories of a year ago. Happiest you’ve been since…. well… who knows…

Now…everything in your life is different. Collapsed. Except the feelings you have for her, and those she has for you.

You struggle to improve. For her. Even if you come up empty… she inspires you. You love being in love with her. It makes you capable of more. Pushing harder. Fighting longer. More. Always has.

And you know she wants you to be more as well. Even if not for her sake, for yours. Makes hard change easier. And so long as you’re not chasing a lie, you’d welcome the inspiration.

But there is only one way for you to love a woman – to love her more than you love yourself. Your dreams. Your life. None of them are worth nearly as much when you’re alone. They are replaced by yourselves, both your dreams, and both your lives. Making love as one spirit, one body, one shared dream. Anything for her but the three rules she already knows you can’t break; so fundamental they seem absurd to even mention.

And… that’s why you must hold true. To God’s wishes, not yours. You feel in your very soul… that the two of you are wasting what precious time you have together. And when she said she probably only had 20 years left… it hit like a freight train…

You still don’t understand now. You still feel certain, but you have been humbled too many times… and it doesn’t even matter if you hold true to what you really want. Her. Finding home.

Words cannot describe how amazing it could be to have both, But you don’t deserve that, especially now. Recover. Learn. Grow. Be more. And one day you might. Pray she does the same. and who knows, you might be right.

Until then… Let her inspire you. Your Muse. And do your best to put Him first. Him, and Home.

They sang A Mighty Fortress this morning; as always encouraging folks to sing at home. You couldn’t. Tears of joy. Saw a glimpse of what you couldn’t explain in a million years. Him. Working.

Please don’t get in the way. How could you ever deserve her love if you did?

How could you deserve anyone’s? 

That’s it. Standards. You need them to be who you’re meant to be… for whatever purpose that is. You like having them. You feel they make you a better person. And she makes you want to hold true to them.

And during this uncertain time in your life, you need them more now than ever.

Rest. Remember blissfully resting in her arms. And rest…

There’s nothing to worry about. Cute redhead woman you met on Twitter. You had one or two Hangout dates few years back; they went okay… but she’d lived north of Seattle, so… undateable. Originally from Minnesota and then Orange County, Then Seattle. The opposite side of the continent. Of course it was as. Single. Cute. Christian. Loved cats. Star Trek. She was great. 6-7 years older than you with a daughter starting college, but that meant she had no time for losers… former air traffic controller lol. If she was anywhere nearby she might be perfect. But she’s not. She’s in Vegas now. Why? Weather. She says the humidity of Charleston would “fro” her hair. Whatever. Carnal side always loved crazy 80’s hair, lolz. 😊

You tried assuring her that Charleston indeed had redheads, but it was a lost cause from the beginning, lol…

But…. come on, Atreyu… nothing conventional seems to do it for you, does it? 🤔😕😔

You can’t do normal. Conventional. Good woman. Lives nearby. Meet. Smile. Laugh. Rinse, lather, repeat, and Ring.

Can’t do it. You’ve tried.

Parking spaces. Taken. Handicapped. Or too far away.

Melissa. Greek for “Bee”. Lol whatevs; you don’t make the rules. Been a while since your last vid date. Apparently she’s having trouble finding dates in… Las freaking Vegas. Well…. a suburb. But still. Sorry, not sorry.

Grandad “Adventures in Bigamy” himself – well, the more ethical of the two – finally settled down in Vegas after decades of choosing to abandon… Mom. Sweetest, kindest, most humble woman that Tennessee ever produced.

Yeah that’s the kind of “gentleman” that ended up in Vegas. Died from a gunshot in an alley. Sad… but figures.

And with that….. the requisite attention given to any potential baggage is henceforth complete.

Bee (you guess…) Now she wants to vid again. Tough for her to run into new friends. Definitely understand that. Friends. Yay. Not at all like that erotic dream you had where she showed up.  That one dream. One dream… compared to…more with others. It’s not like you remember that many of them anyway. But the one with her was oddly…graphic… but Bizarrely in a wholesome, loving way. You realize that she was a stand-in in the dream for your eventual wife. Older…maybe even a little insecure in her age… oddly enough because Bee’s not.

You don’t have time for 25-year-old girls that follow Cardi B religiously on Instagram and don’t have a clue who Connery is…

Not that you’re going to do well because it wasn’t that long but that dream was… interesting. A wedding night. Before you gave up the abstinence you held to for so long. As you have always known you would be pretty fucking carnivorous, but it was almost like she was anxious at how you would take her… and when you saw her it dawned on you that she was yours… in a way that you have never imagined someone belonging to you as you would belong to them… And her in all of… what the rest of the world may even call “averageness”…. was so fucking DIVINE, making you sink to your knees to devour her the second you got a chance. Was it Bee? Or was she just a Stand-in? Only dream you’ve ever had about her but it’s also the only dream you’ve ever had about a wedding night.

You…. don’t put much stock into it.  The very idea of her even flying out to visit and stay in a hotel is far-fetched. Whatever. All you know is that in your dream, she tasted like what you imagine cocaine to taste like, and you couldn’t even finish before you desperately wanted your next fix.

By that point… was it even Bee?

You honestly don’t know. All you know is she was a good woman, and that’s the kind of woman you need to end up with.

You have had plenty of opportunities to reward hot skanks with your stupidity and you have chosen not to comply. For all you know that might have actually been part of God’s plan that led you to 17 years of abstinence.

Given how fucking shallow you were back in those days…. whatever… chances are it’s very likely. 😔

Don’t feel bad. You weren’t a bad person then and you’re not one now. But in the past you were more carnivorous; while now you seek to find The One to devour every night.

Bro… you have got to get in shape. You know what the deal is. For fuck sake, every aspect of your life is geared towards being there for others. Don’t fight it. Embrace it. Love it. And whoever she is, make damn sure she loves it too. You feel more alive. Three months. Better than most of the men in America… So. Keep. It. Going.

Keep filth out of your fucking brain. Work out and eat right to be a fucking machine. Whoever she ends up being… you literally have no right to let her go a day without thanking her lucky stars that she found you.

And if it’s not good enough, FIX IT. She will give you time. Guidance. Love. 

Give her everything. Body. Mind. Soul. Literally anything and everything that you are but does not belong to God… is hers… as she does the same. Your feminine body. Your lustrous womanly hair. Your devastatingly powerful womanly body. Belonging to you as everything you are belongs to her.

That terrifies you… but thank God the only reason it does is because you know you’re not ready yet. And whoever she is; she isn’t either.

Both you and her have work to do. You can’t inspire her… But you can find something to build on in your current atrophy…

Whatever… you don’t even care anymore. You need more Bees.

Hopes… for your other half… as beautiful as they are… serve no purpose.

Fix it. Be honest about your struggles with those who care; all the way up until they hurt both of them and you.

Do not give yourself to hate. Instead give warm regards to a world where those you would hate don’t exist.

You need to be a good enough person not to hate at all. And one day… with God’s help… you will be.

It’s just a video chat. The shots you down earlier tonight still mix with the Adderall in your system even now that it’s 8:15 in the fucking morning on a Tuesday morning. Sympathy pains for Crow you guess, but thank God you realize you needed to avoid her the last few days.

Given her anger…. and yours? The new heart can handle her rage so long as it doesn’t cross that line. All you know is that your frustration deepened… when she opened fire. To be honest you handled it just fine last time; new heart is tough as fuck. But you could feel regret from her even though she didn’t remember what she stabbed you with.

No reason to give her more tension. Only a jackass turns an argument around on someone else rather than taking responsibility for what they do – or fail to do – in life.

God… please… give her strength. Wisdom. Wherewithal. Guidance. As with every day. Please hold her in your arms, Lord…every second I can’t hold her in mine. And if one day I’m blessed enough to hold her again, hold both of us to you and heal us of the pains of our pasts.

Convo with Bee will be great. Grounding. Won’t lead anywhere. It’ll be fun though.

Though Lord – don’t you even for one moment in your divinity forget…

….thanks for the cat. 😊