Most likely 1986. 86 or 88, one of the two. North Carolina Tar Heels at Clemson Tigers. One of the games you and Dad made it to. Might have been with Earle, maybe not.  You were young; either 9 or 11, and it was a nice November day.

A big crowd is there always was for a Tigers game. 85,000, something like that. You remember the atmosphere; it never changed, despite all though ups and downs the Tigers went through over the years, from the time they We’re out of boiled peanuts at halftime to the time Mike Eppley was safetied in the end zone to give Carolina a one point win to the time they first installed Wi-Fi in the stadium and you could keep track of the stats at your leisure.

The atmosphere never changed. It was always fun, always festive, always stressful, but what you always found was fascinating was when you were near a fan of the opposing team. Takes a special kind of interesting person to go to an away game when you’re not favored to win. Surrounded by the other teams fans there’s a limit on how rowdy you can get. And yet on a few occasions you have someone that’s that special kind of rowdy… 🤣

Then sometimes it’s like 1986 and you have that pair of North Carolina fans that sat in the row behind you just a few seats over to your right. Dad was on your left and something happened that went Clemson’s way. May have been an interception for a touchdown. Doesn’t matter.

The crowd went wild and there was so much sound from that loudness. You heard the North Carolina fan closest to you yelling in disgust but you couldn’t make out what he said. Dad heard, and shot the guy a mean glance. Maybe someone else in the crowd did too. 

The guy leaned into you with a smile on his face and said “I’m sorry, kid; I shouldn’t have said that. Don’t say things like that.” You hadn’t even heard what he said, so you just said “OK” and went back to watching the game.

Well it’s been an awful long time since then and of all the memories you have when you were a child,  well more accurately put… of the few memories you still have from when you were a child… that’s one.

You remember Clemson won the game, and it was a nice day, and what the guy said. Why on earth would you remember that? Why wouldn’t remember the first time you kissed Kelly Jacobs? Why wouldn’t you remember one of a million other things that it makes more sense to remember?

Took you long time to figure it out. But when you did this simple, virtually meaningless moment  you thought of one day in the context of mortality itself.

You’re gonna be dead in 50 years. Sorry to burst your bubble, lolz. so many other people are leaving behind legacies. Many are leaving behind kids. Who will grow up and leave behind kids of their own. What will you leave behind?

I mean you not being here anymore will matter to someone, at least for a little while… until they die. Then at a certain point, everyone who you actually we’re on a first name basis with will be gone. What then?

Name 10 people from the 15th century. If you thought about it you could do it but the challenge alone illustrates the point. If you don’t leave behind children what could you leave? What could you do that will impact the world in the years if not centuries to come?

You have no idea if that North Carolina fan is still even alive today 34 years later. Chances are no one else around that heard or saw what he said to you remembers it. Just you.

Just two human beings with probably a little in common sharing one temporary moment out of billions each will have and for some reason you remember.

And it had a tiny, minuscule effect on you. A belief that you held thanks to mom and dad was reinforced. Watch your language and apologize when you’re wrong.

You already knew this. But there was that affect that changed your life in the tiniest way – being a part of the environment around you that shaped you.

You help shape the environments of everyone that you interact with. And they yours. It might be in the smallest way, but you change someone’s life anytime you interact with them.

That’s what you leave behind. And the sum of the interactions each person has in their life helps shape them, and so on and so forth.

And you have the choice. The choice of whether to try to pass on goodness, happiness, positivity, and love… or not.

You help shape the environments of others, as they help shape yours.

Be mindful of what you leave behind, and take comfort that if you see goodness in this life, it’s because others passed down moments of positivity all throughout the centuries.

What kind of environment do you want to have for yourself? But more importantly, what are you going to leave behind, Atreyu?

 Choose well…

Her left hand…. 🥺

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. But now I have to acknowledge reality.

The only way sending pics of you like that hurts someone is if you know they truly love you.

And you use that love to hurt them.

It’s not just mean-spirited, but abusive. I was just upset. I didn’t deserve that.

Blocking you wasn’t an easy decision, but I decided last year if you ever did that again that’s what I’d have to do. I couldn’t even let myself think about it. There aren’t many more hurtful things you could do to me.

I need to regain respect for myself. I need to come to terms with the mistakes I’ve made and the best way to do that is to stop making them. With you, with Flame, wherever I know better.

Everything I said this morning I meant… but it was wrong. The timing was horrible, and that’s on me.  I handled it first with alcohol and then reacted out of anger. That was wrong.

Maybe we’re all going crazy with all that’s going on. I have no idea what even prompted me to get hammered and lash out. But what’s said was said.

I’m sorry I upset you. And so many things.

My caring isn’t helping; it’s hurting, so… it’s time. If it was just me being hurt, it would be different. It’s not. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is if I’m causing problems for you.

Please stay safe and take care of yourself sweetie. Words can’t describe how much I care about you.

I’m sorry that I gave you my word when I said I would always be there for you. That’s just not possible; at least right now. I’m no good to you if my feelings to you get negative, and that’s started to happen.

I would never even try to hurt someone I hated that way. No, not even him. I never imagined you would hurt me that way a second time.

Don’t ever think that I don’t miss you and wish with all my heart I’d handled the last two days differently.

Orson 🌷

Where have you gone? 

Four floors?  No. three floors and the bottom room. Sort of a man cave, but larger. Nicer. Not a basement but where one would be. You or someone in your family bought the house. It was nice, you got to live there now. Middle floors were square shaped. Bedrooms were nice and on the second floor.

Elsewhere on the second floor was another room, far more convenient to get to. Nice big TV and surround sound stand speakers. It was already set up.

But that bottom floor… built-in massive screen. Either a huge TV built into the wall itself or a projector. Huge speakers built into the walls. Luxurious leather couches set up in the most amazing “screening room”  you could imagine. Built-in cupholders and everything.

All you had to do is set it up. There was a manual, And you were really looking forward to it. Learning how all the speakers interconnected with the receiver and the projector and you would be watching and hearing movies, video games or whatever else you could imagine. 

Days passed. You didn’t go down to that floor to set it up. Anytime you wanted to watch something you just used the one on the second floor. You didn’t have people over as much; so you just didn’t worry about it. 

There was very little to this dream when you had it what 10, 15 years ago? You don’t remember where it went or what even happened.

Actually forgotten entirely until tonight. And for absolutely no particular reason it swells to the surface. 

There was that study that showed that brain damage from sleep apnea was reversible. You’ve been trying to sleep with the stupid machine. Who knows. Maybe for some reason it’s just something you remembered because you fixed a synapse or something.

The upstairs room was brighter. It was nice enough. Smaller, but pretty much what you have now. Come to think about it if you’re going to be dreaming about things, it’s rather lame to dream about a home theater system. Live a little. Dream of a castle floating above Jovian storms, not a stupid entertainment room.

Oh well whatever.

Just odd how much of a dream you remember all of a sudden from when you were younger. Probably nothing to it. Symbolic representation of something your subconscious was thinking about at the time. 

You think your subconscious is on your side. Hope it is at least. You have fought it before; well it tried to warn you and you ignored it.

You’re lying in bed unable to sleep. You stare at the fan. It’s on the slow setting.

You always thought it was funny when you stared at a fan.  The blades moving around clockwise.  but as you stared and let your mind go blank the blades almost seem to reverse in a choppy fashion. What is that?

You don’t have very many recurring dreams or many dreams that you remember to begin with.

Impossible roads that go almost straight up and stop so that you have to make a jump but that’s normal.

Old, decrepit massive church sanctuary. Unstable, but for some reason they are still giving tours of it until it falls apart. Too damaged to be preserved. So much waste.

The house with the nice, unused mini movie theater on the bottom floor.

Leonard Nimoy singing The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins stuck in your head.

Well it looks like sleep is not going to happen. Virtual church tomorrow at 10:30  thanks to coronavirus, and Bill has a vet appointment at 12noon.  Drop off procedure. No other plans.

Breathe. Feel the wind surround you. Bathe in the sun. Feel no darkness.

See the world for what it can be. Your world. Reject the sameness of the ruts you fell into. You are in control of your destiny. Do not adorn yourself with chains. Adorn yourself with dreams.

Have a really weird feeling. Really hope she’s alright.

Nose bleeding out of nowhere. Bill agitated. Odd sounds that seem to flee soon as you notice them.

You haven’t been using distilled water in the CPAP to moisten the air blowing into the sinuses. Celt’s dog walking around Bellerophon’s eminent realm. You know you’re not the only one in the house that’s having trouble sleeping.

All perfectly reasonable explanations.

None assuage the weird feeling.

You need to talk to Him. Now.

Ephesians 4.

And stop forgetting to water Percy.

Just weird. It’ll be fine. Calm and Peace fill your heart. But weird just won’t freaking leave.

Hold her in your arms Lord. Every second I can’t hold her in mine. Please.

She said I thought she must be lying… and yet I can feel her desire to protect me.  She doesn’t see what I see.

Love is an ocean. Shallow in some areas. Deep in others. Sometimes warm, sometimes cold. Sometimes monsters you can’t imagine emerging from the deep. Sometimes bordering a cold, rocky cove, and others a jubilant sandy beach fit for a blissful family.

 There is much to consider here.

Now let’s talk. Idiot over here is lost again…

Lions with struggles fit for Lambs.

Lambs with struggles fit for Lions.

Ironic how much more we can lose in a land of plenty.

Yeah screw it. You know what? You’re going back to this again. You ran across something about games. Reminded you of that amazing little place that you shared with the Crow.

That little bar that was a game place also? Really seemed nice. I mean what wouldn’t that week?

Why the hell, Atreyu? Why the hell can’t you get past it? I mean right now it’s forgivable… you can’t date when you don’t have a job. When you don’t have a job it’s an insult to the fabric of your being. Your purpose is to be a man and that means being a fucking man. Having a fucking purpose. Earning a fucking living.

And yeah, given the circumstances it’s important to get your medical issues solved before getting another job.

But you still can’t date. Because you still aren’t worthy. And you know what? You are so thankful for that view. You have standards for yourself. Standards that you must meet before finding someone to share your life with.

Oh you absolutely despise materialism in women… but the reason for it is just a part of your soul. You are useless until you can care for others that you love.

Useless.

Well that sucks doesn’t it? You feel that pain? You damn well better.

You’re not a man right now. You’re a boy.

And any woman that’s worth a damn would pass on you until you get your shit together.

No excuses.

None.

It doesn’t matter. You’re still in love. And thus… still embarrassed.

So why on earth did you grow that new heart? So far it doesn’t seem to be any different. You know that it is, but right now it doesn’t seem that way.

Whatever. Fuck it. Right now you have a good excuse. You couldn’t imagine dating anyone else anyway. Take it and go with it. For right now….. you have a decent excuse.

And that excuse is….. your existence is meaningless until you can provide for Someone you care for.

And don’t you fucking forget it.

Now, find out what the hell is wrong with you. The way the universe works if you continue on your path you’ll die alone for some absolutely, truly, inconceivably mind-bogglingly stupid reason.

Get your shit together. It’s just not happening. Destiny no longer exists.

Deal with it.