What was she like that night? You had built it up so much in your mind… there’s almost no way that date could live up to those expectations. Three years you had waited, just to take care girl you liked out to dinner. And somehow it was perfect. She smiled the whole night. Laughed the whole night. You both had fun the whole night. You didn’t fall into a rut of negativity once the whole night. Even the stuff you agreed on being negative about together. 🤔

You both just… had a nice, fun, enjoyable night together.

And don’t sell yourself short – you know she was a little nervous too. 🙂

With all the buildup she was probably a little worried about meeting some kind of expectations you had.

But that night was just a night of transcendence. You’d been head over heels for her for a while, had so many long, depthful conversations, and you had plenty of reason to find her… enchanting.

But as much as you had spent time with her and all manner of form, it did not prepare you for the magnificent woman you took out to dinner that night.

And as the gentleman it was on you to take her out on the town. Her smile. Placid. Loving. Kind. Just…elegant…

That night… everything was magical. You never in a million years expected to be able to truly identify with Cinderella.

You will never understand why.

Why God gave you what you’d dreamed of – literally – more than once… just… nevermind…

Nevermind why you love her. She has no idea just who she is. And why.

Elegance of her kind actually… changes you when it comes to her. You aren’t you around her, despite your word to her to always be honest. Your sarcasm and prickliness you’ve buried in her presence. And it feels it’s almost as it ought to be.

But why?

Answer’s both cryptic and obvious. Which means only one thing.

Whatevs. You’re statistically past halfway to the grave and you know based on recent trends that… you don’t have as long as most folks think you would.

God’s put you here, and you chose to stay when He would no longer ask you to.

Why?

Because you’re you, she’s her, and God’s God.

If she only knew… what she meant to you, and more importantly… why.

Well…nevermind. It’s likely for the best. Treasure the memory of that night. Treasure every moment with her. Every memory.

And hope… Pray… Beg… for her to find happiness. True happiness.

By her own admission, she battles daily with her own ego. If only she could see herself the way you see her. Maybe… just maybe… she could understand.

Was it all an act that night? Nope. 😊

And the fact that it wasn’t speaks volumes to you.

Now, sleep. One more sleep-apnea-fueled battle against death with a stuffy nose for 8 more hours. Maybe you’ve served your purpose in life, and it’s time to go home. Maybe not.

All you know is… you will never be the same after that wonderful night…

…no matter what.

Something’s wrong

And you don’t know what it is. Some kind of resignation. Chest pains are getting worse. You don’t really feel like doing much thinking. Much writing. Tough to use a CPAP with your sinuses torn up. Stupid thing won’t fit when the nasal passages are stuffed. It’s not like you care. Yep somethings wrong all right. You don’t feel like praying about it, so that’s obviously the first thing you need to do.

Figure your shit out. You matter to some people that mean the world to you. Fucking act like it.

I know the answer is no.

During happier times this year – for me at least – we talked about it, and I was so excited.

Spending Christmas with mom and dad every year is nothing but happiness. Nothing but love. Kindness. And yeah, amazing food.

A lot has changed since July. The way you felt about me. The way I felt about you. And I know that given the current circumstances it’s probably impossible.

If you want to visit this Christmas, I would love to have you. No strings. No “feelings”. Just us sharing our holiday with you.

It would be no trouble; you have my word on that.

I just wanted you to know.

🌷

Ripples? Do you see any?

Never been broken that bad. 🤔 Something to give thanks about.

The Storm is weakening…

Figured it would in time.

You’re not sure what it means. You’re not any wiser, sadly. If there was a lesson hopefully you learned it and it didn’t escape you in the night. Only one way to find out though.

…In time. 🤔

For now, keep the hatches battened. You’re pulling as hard as you can. And you get one wish at least; you’re still here in the midst of chaos.

Battered, but not brutally broken. So what kind of love do you deserve?

None. You deserve nothing. No one “deserves” anything. Thank goodness we don’t get what we deserve, lolz 😂

Why would you deserve anything? What did you do? Cure cancer? Give someone a kidney? Save a kid in a burning building? The things you do that benefit the world around you, you get paid for.

The nice things you do for friends are rewarded by friends doing nice things for you.

Why would you deserve more? You have been given so much. You feel it’s the right thing to do to give to others because of it. Do you deserve more for that? Lol no, of course not! Otherwise don’t help and call it a wash. 🤣

What about bad things? You’ve done bad and stupid things – everyone has. What do you deserve because of them?

Well… the consequences, right? What else? Do you deserve to have the right to just do them and not face consequences? You guess maybe if you did more good things… you know maybe give more to charity… mentor disadvantaged youth… try to be more generous with what little time and money you have… spend less time alone, wishing you were with someone you love…

Interesting…

Maybe that’s why.… 🤔

Trust in God. If there is any benefit to others from you being in this world it is because of him. If not… well, idiot you’re not doing it right… 🤣

Get well soon, Atreyu. It starts again in the morning…

Strength

Not sure whether or not to be concerned. Your past really wasn’t tough. Sure seemed tough at the time and it was not all smooth sailing…

… but now that you’re older, you realize that any strength that you have has come from learning from people wiser than you… and trying to put things into perspective.

Or… maybe you’re just not a strong person. You don’t particularly care to think that but just be aware that you might not be able to handle some things as well as you think you can.

Being strong doesn’t mean not having to deal with fear, project confidence, be a jerk, or having to act the badass, lolz…

And there’s all kinds of different strength out there. For various situations and various kinds of people.

Too often we get so wrapped around the idea of being strong that we forget to actually be strong.

Like weight lifters that don’t care about the shoulders because stronger shoulder muscles aren’t as noticeable. Looking strong doesn’t mean being strong.

Dunno. Odd that you like the expression of the picture, but have to then immediately address whether or not it applies to you.

Self reflection and introspection is always helpful though. Grounding. And oddly enough, even peaceful.

Perhaps sometimes it takes strength to admit to weakness… 🤔

Pretending

You have as much patience as you do Adderall in your brain. And it’s always going to be different when it’s someone else’s kid. It’ll be more fun; less serious, and less consequential.

Certainly not anywhere close to the headaches that you want.

But at the end of the day, you so want them.

You so want that stress. You want that pressure. You want that responsibility.

You freaking idiot. You have absolutely no idea the depth of understanding that you don’t even have on the subject.

But in that there is a certain level of comfort because no one has a clue when they first start down that road either.

There was absolutely nothing that had any meaning beyond just chillaxing and playing checkers with the little one.

But for a good hour or so, you got to pretend. Pretend you were a dad. The checkers/chess/8 other game box set. You had forgotten about it until you went through your room looking for stuff you could bring out to entertain her with, and you found… *that* play set. You managed to forget you still had it.

December 2013. You had finally found a church that didn’t piss you off, found a good Bible study group, and they were doing toys for tots for Christmas. Fresh into the new church you were gung ho about jumping in with both legs. Went to target looking for toys. Saw the Checkers box set, put it in the buggy, decided to keep looking. Picked up apples to apples as well. Some other thing you saw and the ages listed. One was for kids up to age 11. Eleven.

All of a sudden hit you that yours would’ve been 11. You always felt like you would have had a little girl. Such a promising trip to Target instantly ruined. You just took the two games to the register and left. Didn’t even deliver them. Nonsensical across the board.

What others think doesn’t make a dent in that pain. But thank God that pain you’ve suffered from for years and years has finally begun to heal.

That made pretending so much easier.

You really enjoyed it.

It gave you a headache…

… but it’s not one you minded, wanting to share a moment trying to add value to the life of a little one.

You had no idea how deep that wound was. And now, sometime soon… you never will! Lolz

Good nights sleep inbound….. 🙂🙂🙂